Mineminemine

IQ result

2008-02-23T15:17:00.001-06:00

You are gifted with the natural fluency of a writer and the visual and spatial strengths of an artist. Those skills contribute to your creative and expressive mind.

Insightful linguists can take complex concepts and articulate them to just about anyone. You have a gift with words and insight into processes and the way people think. These talents enable you to explain things clearly to people.

Helen Keller is a great example of an Insightful Linguist. Blind, deaf and mute, she was still able to put things together in her mind and to understand complex ideas. She could do that because she was able to conceptualize ideas internally. Though she could not literally see, she had the visual and spatial skills necessary to understand patterns on an abstract level. She learned to read, write and ultimately became a writer on issues of social justice.

You have an uncanny ability to work your way out of sticky situations using your talent with words. Crossword puzzles, debates — you're particularly well equipped to come out on top since you can read people well.

Like Charles Dickens, your verbal skills go far beyond having a good vocabulary. Dickens' genius was in the artful and descriptive way he crafted sentences. Also Dickensian, is your keen eye for detail and your adeptness for identifying the best way to express an idea based on your given surroundings and circumstances.

Your ability to communicate your vision clearly will take you far. So enjoy being perceptive, and make the most of your abilities as an insightful linguist.

What are you?
http://web.tickle.com/jumpto?test=uiqogt&c=50652

The Worlds Worst Blogger....me

2008-02-23T08:58:00.002-06:00

So I am like the worlds worst blogger. It's been over a year since I updated this. Ack! Anyway to update the major themes in my life.

The law suit was settled. I won....kinda. The other insurance company decided back in October that I was justified and had indeed been injured. However, the police limit was the absolute minimum required by law, and that is all they had to pay out. SO, half of that went to my lawyer, and all the expenses came out of my part of the funds..... so it didn't even cover the cost of my lost time at work, much less any of the bills. So basically I had to eat all the cost associated with this wreck. I managed to haggle with the medical people and pay my bills off for a fraction of the amount owed. What did I have left at that point? about $600.00. Oh gee! Hold all my calls I'm going on a shopping spree.... NOT. So even had I gotten the full amount, and not had to pay any bills from it or any lawyer fees... It would not have covered the expenses related to this wreck, would not reimburse me for my lost wages, or much less pain and suffering. I fought for three years for this??? Wait a minute, the only ones who benefit from law suites are the lawyers. But at least now it is over. That is about the only positive thing that came from all of this... it's done.

Back over last summer I was accepted into and started the upward mobility nursing program at my local college. So I am almost finished with it at this point. Provided all goes well, I will graduate with my associate degree in May. From there I will be able to take state boards for my RN. That's mainly why this blog has not been updated till now. I haven't had time to sleep, much less blog. The RN program is difficult than the VN program ever thought about being. Much of it is independent learning, busy work, paper work, and things designed to ensure I never have a free minute. The instructors don't lecture worth a damn, and there is an incredible amount of required work that must be done, "on your own time." Which is short for, "you have no life outside of nursing school, so give it all up now." I have begun to believe a great deal of this is some sort of head game designed to test how badly we want that RN, and how much junk we are willing to tolerate in order to get there.

My house is totally destroyed, and I can no longer see the horizontal surfaces. Over the past ten months things have piled up so badly, I am not sure if I will ever see the bottom of it again. The 12 yo is doing the laundry at this point, I have quit my job in order to concentrate on school, the husband is tearing his hair out, and the 11yo is wondering "what does mom look like again?." And this week they have the nerve to bring in speakers to talk to us about the BSN program.... LOL Like I ever want to go into a class room again. Are they nuts? It took me 5 1/2 years to get up the courage to go back for this. If I wasn't delusional I'd be just as happy to stay an LVN, and not deal with this headache in the first place.

I know I probable sound like a horrible person, but this a safe place to vent all these negative feelings. This way, I don't blow up in real life, and nobody gets their feels hurt or smacked around. See, I can be reasonable.

Mom, God love her, is pissy cause I am not giving her enough attention. She keeps comparing nursing school to the cosmetology course she took back in the late 60's - early 70's. I want to snap her head off when she does that. They are NOTHING alike. Some how giving someone bad haircut does not compare with having to keep someone alive. My heavens, my dad retired this last march, he's been home, under her feet for almost a year now, and she still is ticked off cause I am not paying her enough attention. How self absorbed and narcissistic can one person be?

Oh, we lost our 14yo manx kitty in november. He had cancer and had to be put to sleep. Last September the girl child rescued a kitten from the softball pratice fields, and he has turned to be a fur covered terrorist. Osomba Bin Kitty is named Dusty, and rotten and spoiled and he is a complete handful to deal with. For christmas we got the boy child a puppy that he promptly ignored in favor of his video games. Have no fear, the puppy decided I am his person and I am busy spoiling him rotten.

Anyway, that about hits all the highlights.

peace

Old Friends

2007-01-21T22:06:00.000-06:00

Funny how the holidays get ppl together that haven't talked in a long time.

One of my oldest and dearest friends, from high school, and I got back together and started hanging out again. My mom and dad had a Christmas party that I attended, and invited J to come hang out with me. She did, and we fast picked up our friendship again. It's been several years, she was busy or I was busy, and we just sort of fell out of touch. We only live a few miles from each other, but it might have well been thousands for the amount of time we had previously been able to spend hanging out. She has a child and I have children, so life is hectic and chaotic to say the least. But we rediscovered each other, and how much fun it is to just be around each other, watch moves, have dinner, just be in the same place at the same time. It's really cool. Not to mention that she is one person that has known me longer than my husband, I can tell anything to, and she has never been judgemental or hypocritical to me. I can actually trust her, unlike some of my friends. So I guess we are more close than any of my other friendships, barring the hubby, despite being apart for so long. I'm just exicted to have her in my life again. One of those fundamental people in my life that I love dearly, and really does my heart good to get be around her.

A great many people that I call friends, I dont hang out with, or let into my homelife. I jealously protect my homelife, it's my santuary from the world and my security. But J, I feel safe having her around, even if all I am doing is basic home stuff, like laundry. Just someone to keep my company when Cop Hubby is working, or just someone to watch a movie with. Cop hubby will watch a 'chick flick' with me, but it's not the same as with a girlfriend.

Anyway, as far as the lawsuit, I am still waiting, will be calling soon to see how goes it.

night all.

okay.....just waiting for the other shoe to fall

2006-12-20T22:21:00.000-06:00

Well, monday actually was tolarable. The opposing lawyer didnt ask me a fourth of the things that my lawyer prepped me for, as a matter of fact, he seemed very outgunned and unprepared. I am hoping that's good for me. Seems like they once again found the guy that caused the car wreck, he's only bailed twice now. But my lawyers got ahold of him today. I cant wait to hear how that went. I am hoping they ate his lunch. It was a shock to me, after only an hour and a half, the other lawyer says, "well, we;re done. That's it." I was shocked, and so was my lawyer. He said I did well, and seems to think that Allstate will be putting money on the table trying to settle. That would be awesome.

My lawyer also contacted WM whom was the person that took me into the ER the night of the wreck, and asked him for the details of the ER visit. I got a bit of a run down on the conversation, and it just varified the things that I had said already. In addition, my lawyer asked WM to find out about the wrecker driver that towed off Mr. Can'tdriveforshit's car, and get contact information. WM drives a wrecker for his shop now, so he as able to track down the other driver in a matter of hours. Work number, cellphone, and contact information.

As MW's boss and my lawyer have been working on part of the background information together, I did find out that after the deposition on Mr. Nodrivingidiot, that my lawyer was in a good mood. I'm hoping thats good for me. We had my car repaired at WM's shop, and the boss and my lawyer have been working together on other cases for a while now, with alot of success. The boss guy is someone that my brother worked for at one time, and I have known, as an aquantance for a while.

So in the morning I am hoping to call my lawyer and see how things went today. I'm just dying to know. I've been told that I will be provided with a transcript of the depositions at some point. Hmmmmm...wonder if I offered to pay extra I could get it rushed to me. LOL. I so want to know the other side of this story.

At the scene, I was so messed up, that I couldn't concentrate very well. But I do remember the other driver and his passanger speaking to each other in spanish, and I stated that in the deposition. That was good, and my lawyer wanted to work on that, says it makes them look like they had something to hide. I dont know, I dont speak spanish. But getting that tow truck driver's contact information, and getting his name on the wittness list, it's some kind of head game, pressure tactic to make the other driver admit to things. So, maybe that is good. I duuno.

In other news, the kiddos got to see santa tonight. We had fun, ate pizza, and got some pictures taken up at the church. They looked so darling, it was very cute. The boy even smiled all pretty for his picture. Momma was very pleased. They each recieved a stocking of goodies and a stuffed animal.

The girl child decided to take hers to a little boy that is having a bad time. His dad is a jail, mom is entering rehab in the morning, and he just got placed with relatives (our good friends across the street, another cop family, and the girl's best friend's family), he would not be having a Christmas, but the friends are now scrambling to make it Christmas for him too. The girl child's idea, and I am so proud of her for being so thoughtful. We asked granny to make the little boy, age 6, a christmas stocking with some goodies in it. How screwed up, 5 days before chirstmas, and getting your world turned upside down. But at least the H-family is doing everything they can to try and help the little guy. T watched our kids today while we went shopping, and our boy and the new addition played video games together all afternoon. So it went well, as well as could be expected with messed up mom stopping by to disrupt the little guy every time T turned around.

Thank God for small miricles. Our kids have it so much better than they even understand. I'd like to keep it that way. They'll figure it out someday and be thankful for the life we are giving them. (I hope!)

well, that's about it for now. I'll try and give an update when I know more about the lawyer.

roller coster rides and other fun things.....

2006-12-14T20:26:00.000-06:00

I forgot yesterday, but we put up christmas lights. my pretty white icicle lights were not working, only 3 out of the 6 strands were lighting up, so I went up to wally world to buy some new ones..... only one set in the whole damned store. I get home, and they are the blinking lights... the other sets dont blink. ACK!!!!! Soooooo back to wal mart, now to buy six whole new sets of the multi color icicle lights. But we got them on the house. They are not what I wanted, but the kids are happy that we are now somewhat decorated for the holiday. We got the tree up a day or two ago, and set out the christmas candy holders. All that good jazz. Now to just get into the mood....hahahahaha

well, I had to go into houston today. OMG!! I hate traffic. I hate not knowing where I am or how to get around. It was foggy, so we had to leave O Towne early. A great family friend, almost aunt, went with me for moral support. We got into town in time to have lunch with her gentalman friend, and then get to the lawyers office. Auto accident on the 610 loop of course, so 30 minutes late, we get to the office. The lawyer was another 30 minutes behind us. And then four hours of intense prepping later. He basically grilled and roasted me over open flames, so I would know what to expect from the opposing lawyers. But he at least told me the best way to answer questions without stepping over my own feet so to speak. Lawyers have got to be the scum of the earth. He was actually being nice to me. I am soooo dreadding Monday, when I have to answer this stuff in front of the 'enemy.' They puposefully try to make you look like an lying idiot, nothing but corprate whores. freaking lawyers. So after 5 pm and my little girls christmas program starts at 6, can you say screwed? My mom had to get the kids home from school and get them ready for the program. G was working, and couldnt get off of patrol until 6 sharp. So my beautiful little girl had her first band concert without me. I hate myself. I missed her concert for some stupid car wreck. She's doing okay with it, it all went well, and G got there in time to see most of it. But I missed the whole thing.

I dont drink, but on the way into O towne, I stopped and purchased myself some mudslides and sour apple schappes. I intend to get wasted tonight. my nerves are shot and I am so freaking depressed. It really is a good thing they these kids need me. I am in tears and I feel like the whole world is a bad place, and people are just hurtful and mean. I know it sounds childish, but its the best way I know to express the way I feel right now. Those are the only words I know that even half way cover it.

Then I get on the net, and the patho teach has given me an A for her course. An A.. guess all the extra credit work paid off.... but I really didnt expect this.

I just..... my head hurts. on one hand I would love to just take a long walk off a short peir, on the other, I just am incredibly pleased. I passed and not only passed, I got an A.

Let's see.... laible? Manic depressive..... need more sleep and less stress. I want a VACTION.

out.

Survivor has nothing on me, dude.

2006-12-13T23:00:00.000-06:00

Well, I know its been a while. my life is insane...I am scheduling the nervous breakdown for something in 2010, when I have time. (yeah right, like I am ever going to have time.)

Mommy dearest had yet another TIA, another trip to the ER just to have it resolve itself once her blood pressure was undercontrol again. Turns out she was only taking her HTN med when she felt bad. Can I strangle this woman now? Ya know, patient teaching to a 60-something year old stuborn jackass, is about useless, might as well talk to the wall for all the good it is gonna do ya. So the CNP RN, tells her to take her meds as prescribed, and sends her home to follow up with her family doctor. BTW, she promptly ignored him and continues to do things 'her way.' The medcine makes me feel draggy, and it makes my blood pressure too low for me. What part of "take your medications as prescribed," do you not understand?

Guess I should just keep my mouth shut. The sooner she sends herself over the edge, the sooner I can move back to Alaska, and get out of this hell hole in Texas. I have to wait her out. The way she is going, not taking her meds, getting psycho on the phone with bill collectors, and in general nuerotically trying to run everyone else's life, the faster she will send herself into a major CVA. My only hope, do it right the first time, go for fatal and leave the vegatative state alone. BTW, yes, she is a DNR. I refuse to make her go through a code. She may be the worlds biggest bitch, but she is my mom, and I will not allow her to be tortured. She doesnt want any heroic measures, fine with me. My brothers and sister are the ones that dont get it. Luckily I have already explained, and mom has made her wishes known to dad, so the sib's can stick it in their ears.

Topic change.

Tomorrow I met with my lawyer to go over the facts of my case, and get ready for the deposition. Can you say nausea and vomitting from stress induced ulcers?

As for the last two classes before upward mobility: Health assessment B, Pathophsy B.

Guess now all I have to do is to take the entrence exam and wait for my application packet to be finialized. LOL I'm not under any stress........

(dont let the men in the white coats take me away. They're coming to take me away. ) Anyone else here remember Doctor Dementoe? I miss that program. Okay so I have a few loose screws, doesnt everyone?

time for another smoke, then bed. I have to drive into Houston tomorrow..... I hate that town. Too many ppl and too much traffic. Did I mention that I miss Alaska?

laterz all.

Ol' Bill was right, kill all the lawyers....

2006-11-14T16:13:00.000-06:00

This car wreck that almost killed me, the lawyers for AllState want to make me look like a liar. Saying the my fractured ethmoid sinus bone was in no way related to me smacking my head around when their client made and illegal left hand turn only one car length in front of me, leaving no room to maniver and avoid his stupid non-driving butt. So what? the broken bone fairye just plopped down and broke my sinus bone out of the thin blue air?

So comming up in December I have to go give a deposition to the insurance company lawyers.

ah so much to do, and so little time.....

goings on.....

2006-10-24T21:30:00.000-05:00

Well, it's been a little while since I posted. Remiss I know, but only so many hours in a day, and way too many responsiblities.

Dang it, I want be a kid again!!!! Just go to school, someone else has to worry about meeting the bills, driving the car, getting to things on time, and making things work.

So the job, things are crazy and uncertain. I dont like uncertain. I want some security in my job. BUT, our lovely corprate office has decided that our work productivity is too low and they have to cut more people from the staff. WTF!!!!!! We're already working a skeletan crew, especially on nights. Who else are you gonna cut and still provide SAFE care to our patients? Our unit is making money, and have a high patient satisfaction, but even if it's not broken yet, lets see if we can screw it up. Stupid pencil pushers. We are already top heavy, way too many chiefs and not enough indians. The actually bedside nurses and aids are running like mad, while the administration is busy coming up with more demands on our time, more paper work, and less and less help. ACK! I am only human, no where in the job description did it say I had to be wonder woman or super girl. I left my cape at the dry cleaners 'kay.

Anyway, so the lawyers have not gotten back in touch with me lately, so I am gonna have to call them. Yuk. It just depresses me when I have to talk to them. I just dont know if anyone is actully going to fight for and belive in me. I just dont have the confedence in the process. I dont want to have to sue someone, but here I am having to do this hateful thing. The insurance companies are like the mob, you pay them for protection, EVERY month, and then in an emergancy, they put the blame on the victim, and tortur him/her. I know I am bitter at this point, and have lost faith in the system.

I work hard, two jobs and go to school much of the time. Drive two kids back and forth to after school activities, keep the house, take care of my parents, and now have to do battle with Allstate. I am so freak'n depressed.

oh well, gotta go watch a movie with the family. "Over the hedge."

out.

Update on the update, or, Life as we know it

2006-09-28T07:38:00.000-05:00

Well, the mom type is going to be fine. A bleeding hemrrhoid that the doc cauterized and a case of diverticulitis. Just means there's some things she wont be able to eat anymore cause they are hard on the intestine, like nuts, whole corn, ya get the idea. She's out of the hosptial and back to being her mean self. Not that she ever stopped being mean, but ya know, gotta at least pretend they are nice people while in the hospital.

As for pathophys and health assessment, so far a 96% in both classes. WOOT! I was stoked. This two classes are about to drive me to drinking, stuff I have already had about 10 times at least!

Yesterday was over cardiac funcion....grrrrrrr. I started my nursing career working on a telemetry floor. So reading ECG are and everyday thing, and you have to know what is going on with the patient, cause you have to treat the underlying cause.... So lecture yesterday was like have dental work done. dohhhhhh, ya mean there is some kinda thingy that make the heart pump, and with it dont work, well, that's bad right? *beating head again*

Not to be tooooooo mean, but the class is full of 'baby nurses' they just graduated in August from VN school, most still just GVN's. I hit the unit running over four years ago, and wasnt excatly cut much slack, so had to learn fast. I know they need to know what they dont know, but when thin, blond, big boobs, valley girl, GVN starts asking STUPID questions, I would rather pull out my own fingernails than have to listen to her talk.

But as in most things, I smile, nod in the appropriate places, and just vent here when I get home. I know I must sound like a nut case on this blog, but really it's theraputic, I vent here, so the rest of the world is safe and sound, and I just smile at them and nod yet again.

;)

Update

2006-09-26T22:14:00.000-05:00

Well. My mom was admitted to my hospital last night around midnight. They stick her on the floor I worked four years ago, Cardiac floor, and did a procedure this morning. Upper GI this morning showing nothing that would cause such extensive bleeding. GO FIGURE, it is bright red blood doc.... dont ya think it would be coming from the lower section of intestines or colon? dohhhhhh!!!!

So tomorrow they do the lower GI. I got to spent the afternoon getting her to drink 4litters of Colyte, that was soooo fun, *sarcasim* Gee, can we do that again?

Mom has a high sensativity to all things anesthetic, so they used Phenegran to knock her out. She was gorked all day! So here I am, forcing colyte down one end, trying to keep her from falling going to and from the bathroom, changing her gowns when she doesnt quite make it, and trying to stay out of the way of the floor nurses. I know them, they can be bitchy when freaked around with. The one taking care of mom today was a CNA when I worked there. *rolls eyes* she didnt impress me then either. of course with all the running back and forth, still passing blood clots, and the phenegran, mom manages to pull her IV site out. Of course the ER put in her AC anyway, so it set the pump to beeping each time she bent her arm. Hence new IV time. I left the room, just couldnt sit there and not come un-glued on someone. They are also running Q8* H/H on her, already have her typed and cross matched. I'm just waiting for the call in the middle of the night that they have to transfuse. Dad and I signed all the consents before we left, "just in case."

I am not a happy camper, tomorrow I have class all day. It's something I cant miss, I missed last week because I was so very sick. Not a way to make a good impression with the director of the upward mobility program. Dad said he'd be there, it would be okay.

Mom has a hx of her heart stopping with any type of sedation, and just cause the phenegran worked today just fine, doesnt mean it will in the morning. Does this ever get any better?

stuborn, hard headed, bitch

2006-09-25T18:36:00.000-05:00

SO, the lovely mom person calls early this morning. Me, still sick as a dog. She wants to know how I'm feeling, cuz she needs some medical information. (grrrrrrr...am not a MD, only an LVN dam it!) She's developed a bright red rectal bleed complete with clots. I tell her to go see our family Doc. She says she doesnt want to go into the doc office. Seems that yesterday, they took my dad in to get a suspicious mole removed, while waiting, the office manager come in and wants $100.00 up front, cuz insureance didnt cover the last pre-cancer spot removed from dad. And the office manager didnt have time to call the insureance company, they were short handed, mom and dad just needed to pay an additional hundred bucks before the procedure could be done. This is after the $25.00 co-pay that everyone has to pay up front, before being maked down for an appointment slot.
So she doesnt want to go in to see doc, cuz office manager was rude to them yesterday!!! Mom says she doesnt have the money for that, but she can go to ER as soon as dad gets home from work...WTF!!!!!! ER?!?!?!?!?!?!?! That costs 4 jor 5 x as much! She says, she has insureance to cover it. (banging head against brick wall) Granted, she needs to seek treatment. I dont exactly have a scope to cram up her bottom to check where the bleed is coming from and fix it. And from the phone conversation, it was like she wanted me to somehow magically get a MD and fix her problem. THEN comes the guilt trip about how she doesnt matter, and how she doesnt work and therefore doesnt contribute to the house, so we would all be so much better off if she did hemrrhage to death. (gritting teeth, bitch) Like I have any control over some freaking office manager and like I have any way to repair a rectal bleed, OMG, I'm a nurse, not a freaking wizard! How am I suppose to help with any of this?
So I call the doctor office and ask to have the FNP or MD call me back, I know them both by name and work with them from time to time. They are both busy, so the RN doing NP clinicals calls me back, agrees that mom needs treatment, but has no way of helping if mom refuses to seek treatment. Can I strangle this woman! I called mom back, mind you, from my own sick bed, and told her I could get her in to see the doc if she would go, she refuses, states again that she will go to ER.

I freaking give up!!!!!!!! Bitch! How am I suppose to fix things for an irrational person? How to reason with neurotic people? Can you say manipulative?

So I crawled back into bed and cussed for a while, felt like throwing things and finally went back to sleep.

arggggggg, fuck, piss and vinegar, grrrrrrr, bitch.

The Class, lawyers, and softball

2006-09-23T17:42:00.000-05:00

Ya ever notice that the hospital only wants to send you to classes, updates, semeniars when your arse deep in alagators?

I went to my ACLS renewal class yesterday. Went pretty smoothly, even if it did take all day. So my night shift for last night was canceled, but I still have to flip flop and do one tonight. No wonder my sleep cycle is screwed six ways to sunday.

Currenly with the week being taken up with college courses, I work the weekends, one weekend days 7a to 7p, the next nights 7p to 7a. Which way was up again? And dont even start trying to assess my orientation, cause I have no idea what day it is with this crzy schedule. Ha hahahahaha, good thing my patients are mostly 'pleasently confused,' makes two of us.

Anyway, on top of college, renewals, and updates, in services... yada yada yada....

I finially got a packet from my lawyer. They found the guy that hit me and nearly killed me in a car wreck two years ago. We are going to have to go to trial from the looks of it. The lawyer sends me a pack of some twenty pages of Discover. Basically they want to know every move I have made, every MD I have seen, my tax records, my education background, every place I have lived, etc etc etc for the last five years!!!! Everything but my shoe size and measurements. The lawyer also said that the other lawyer is prolly investigating me... WTF. I did nothing wrong!!!!!! I was on my way to work. Their client turned in front of me, and almost killed me.... good thing I had a seat belt on. As it was 7 days in patient and nasal/brain cavity perferation repair surgery, three months off work, and untold muscle pain, nasal pain, CSF loss induced migrains, and turning my world completely upside down!!!!!! Now they want to make me out to be at fault, and some sort of liar. OGM!!!! Lawyers... all the jokes... Ol' Will was right, kill them all. Scum sucking, low life, lying SOBs.

Anyway, time to get ready for work. The kids want a few minutes of my time. I have to hear about the girl childs softball game.. THAT THEY WON today. (is amazing, they were making the bad news bears look good.) And She made an out and a double play today! WOOT!

laterz

The phone call!

2006-09-22T21:23:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, shortly after my last post...where I thought the only way possible for me to feel better would be for me to "make a celestial discharge," my phone rings!

And who is on the phone that means sooo much to me, that on my "death bed," I come back to life to speak to for over an hour? My girlfriend in Dallas. This is a wonderful lady, very artistic, loving, and caring. I felt better just talking to her. Then she leaves me a note on my yahoo 360. :)

I feel all warm and fuzzy! she still cares about me. I was kinda worried there for a while. We had a bit of a disagreement over my picking up smoking. She has had many losses in her life due to cancer, and it really upset her when I picked up the habit. So we hadnt really been talking in months. Actually only about 3 or 4 times since this disagreement almost a year ago. So I was terrified that I was getting completely rejected. One of my really big fears when it comes to a 'girlfriend,' is that she will get bored with me and tell me to shove off.

Relationships with other women have always ment a great deal to me. It seems like a woman can bond more closely at times with the physical aspects getting in the way less. So of the very few women I have been attracted to and the even fewer that I have had relationships with, I am completely, totally, and hopelessly in love with them.

A little bit of background. My first girlfriend approached me, we were in high school, and we really didnt have a clue as to what we were doing. But I still have a copy of every letter she ever wrote to me. She is now in a committed three way relationship with a woman and her husband. It works for them. I try to stay out of it. She thinks I abandoned her when I went to Alaska, I kinda did. For that I feel guilty sometimes. I was very young and was trying very hard to be what was expected of me to be.

I have since learned that I just dont fit into that mold completely. I have learned that while I love my husband, sometimes I just need another woman in my life.

So the lady that has my heart, and has for the last several years, called yesterday. She still loves me!!!!!!$%%*$&$($(%*$($($)$($*$ I had been kinda mopping around and brewding about it for months, unsure of our status. Now I think that maybe there is a chance! I know I have to quit smoking. I have been trying to do that anyway. My hospitial is going no smoking for the whole campus in Nov anyway. I have been to my doctor and am on a medication that is suppose to help, and she has recommended hypnosis. I'm thinking seriously about doing that. I want to quit.

The last four days of being ill, I've only had about 6 smokes total, because I was so sick, I didnt want to go outside. I dont smoke in the house, or in front my kids. It's a stupid habit I picked up due to nerves, a bitchy work enviroment, and trying to stay awake for night shift. So the work enviroment is at least somewhat better, my nerves are still shot to hell and back, and staying awake on night shift is always going to be a pain in the arse.

Anyway, diet and weight update, I have now lost 50 lbs total, and have eased up on the calorie intake restriction... I think that was the trick to coming off my plateau. I was being too strick and my body thought it was starving.... lemme tell you...not possible. So I am still taking the martial arts class, when feeling well. AND muscle does wt more then fat, so maybe I am building muscle too! More muscle means faster metabolism....faster metabolism means I may get to my goal weight.

Anyway, she loves me, she loves me, she loves me!!!!

Down day

2006-09-21T13:29:00.000-05:00

So I have an upper respiratory infection. A pretty nasty one at that. Gee.... cant imagine where I picked that up from. *thinks* maybe the hospital?

My doc put me on a Z-pack, and some decongestants about three days ago, so why do I feel like I am getting worse and not better? :(

Anyway, the girl child earned her green strip in martial arts last night, and G is going up for his tonight. Me? I been home all week hacking up a lung.

Suppose 'ta be going to a recert class for my ACLS tomorrow. That'll be fun, oh joy. *sarcism*

well, off to crawl back into hibernation untill I feel human again.

on a true calling...

2006-09-19T13:24:00.000-05:00

Having read over the blog of a fellow nurse, I decided it was time to voice some of my thoughts on what I do, and why I do it. http://mediblogopathy.blogspot.com/

Although hers is almost a complete opposite of my unit, this lady voiced it very well, and I encourage folks to check her out. Very insightfull. Her blog is linked in the title of this post.

I work in a Long Term Acute Care unit. LTAC for those familiar with it. We take care of the sickest of the sick that no longer qualify for ICU. My particular unit has the highest acuity of all of the simillar units in our system. We get the folks that measure hospital stays in weeks instead of days. Long term venalator weaning, stage III and IV decube ulcers, multiple diagnosis management, long term IV antibiotics and sometimes those patients that have no other placement options, those are ours to have and protect, to serve and defend. We defend them against infection, against disease processes, against loneliness sometimes, against themselves sometimes, and we do the best job we can with the medical tools and information that we have.

Due to the critical nature of our patients, they usually only hire nurses with ICU experience. I managed to get in with cardiac telemetery experience and some impressive grades in nursing school. But out of the approximately 40 nurses that we have in our pool, only 4 are LVN's, myself included, so I am pretty blessed to be here.

So to get to the point, we see alot of death in our unit. Most of these patients are medically complex and have very little in the way of 'reserves' left by the time they get to us. Many of them have been chronically ill, in and out of treatment for years, or have such an acute illness it has drained the energy from them almost completely. Sometimes we have a miricle happen. The vent patient that we though would die in the first few nights that is finially weaned off, and weeks later walks out of our hosptial under his own power. Those are so rare and held so dear to my heart. More often it's the family of a critically ill loved one that just says a thank you for taking such good care of mom or dad, that's what touches my heart.

I like my unit because normally I actually do have time.... time to devote to making those extra special rounds, seeing to it that pt 304 gets the chocolate Boost because that's her favorite. Time to know the names of pt 314's kids, and what they all did/do for a living. Time to listen, and time to let them know that they are special and someone does care. Somedays they do far more for me, than I could possibly have the expertises to do for them. A smile here or a nod of the head there. That's my passion.

I remember a story that I heard once, I think it was in a sunday school class....

a man was walking along a beach in the early morning, walking between the tide lines. The beach was covered in thousands of star fish, and the man was steadily picking up a starfish at a time, and throwing them back into the water. A jogger passed by the man, and told him he was a fool, the sun would be up and kill all the remaining starfish in a few minutes. The man said, "I know that," and continued to rescue the starfish and throw them back into the ocean. The jogger shook his head and told the man, "what's it matter, you can't save all the starfish, they'll just die when the sun hits them." The man continues to pick up the little sea creatures and throw them back to safety. The jogger watches for a while, unable to stand it, he asks the man why. The man replies, "I can't save them all, but this one I can, and it matters to this one."

It matters to THIS one. That's a thought that goes through my head alot.

later all

Ack, call me a follower, 100 things about me

2006-09-12T10:21:00.000-05:00

I've seen this type of list on every active blog I've been on. But it is such a great idea that I thought I'd try it.

1. Nursing is one of the ways I define who I am.

2. My favorite single digit number is 7.

3. I've been married twice, the first time around was a hugh mistake, but it led me to where I need to be and allowed me to learn about who I was and want I wanted from life and my partner, so my starter marriage had a purpose.

4. That first marriage was when I as 17, newly graduated from high school.

5. I spent 9 years living in Alaska before moving back to Texas to help take care of my elderly mother.

6. I have two children, and daughter born in 1996, and a son born in 1997. They are only one year and 17 days apart in age.

7. I met my husband of 13 years while living in Alaska.

8. I hate video games.

9. My son has PDD, Asperger's Syndrome form of autism. So I am a mom to a special needs child.

10. My daughter is incredible bright, in the high achiever program at school and wants to be a doctor when she grows up. I am incredible proud of her for just being the wonderful, happy, loving, generous, beautiful little girl that she is.

11. Said daughter plays softball, so I am a softball mom/taxi service.

12. My children are more important to me than the family I was born into.

13. I married at 17 the first time to get away from my birth family.

14. I graduated high school early, and then turned down scholarships in order to get married that first time.

15. I want to grow old with my current husband, he is my BEST friend as well as my lover and husband.

16. G, the hubby, talked me into marrying him, I didnt want to get married again. *smiles* His rationale was that his military VHA and BAQ pay would increase if I would agree to marry him instead of just living together.

17. I love my mother, but she is an angry, depressed, controlling, self asorbed bitch. Yet, I still seek her approval.

18. My husband hates my mother, and I often get stuck in between wishing to please my mom, and keeping peace with my husband. He resents her treatment of me.

19. I get along wonderfully with and love my mother-in-law and sister-in-law more than my birth family.

20. I enjoy woodworking and building things.

21. The first 'real' job I ever had was as a maid cleaning other peoples houses.

22. Following jobs includes, door to door vacuum cleaner sales, car sales, telemarketing and finially working in a hardware store.

23. Before Nursing, the hardware store was the job I enjoyed the most. On weekends I taught do it yourself classes and almost went into management for the store before decided to go to college.

24. I entered college after much encouragment from my husband to follow my childhood dream of being a nurse.

25. Currently I have over 100 college credit hours. But only a certificate of completion for the nursing program Licensed Vocational Nurse. LVN for short.

26. It took me over 8 years to earn that certificate because I was attending college part time, raising children, and working full time.

27. I earned every hour of my college time myself, no one gave it to me. And I am very proud of that. So no else has any claim to my accomplishment.

28. I have many hobbies that I dabble in, accumilate all the tools for, become very good at, and then lose interest in.

29. I've been a life long reader for as long as I can remember. I like to buy my books, and collect them, rather than just borrow them from the library. That way, I can re-read them anytime I get the urge.

30. I'm addicted to technology.

31. I carry a PDA at work so I can look up drugs and medical facts instantly when a family member or patient asks me a question.

32. I started smoking after I became a nurse. Sad, I know.

33. My husband hates that I smoke, and I hate that he doesnt wear a bullet proof vest.

34. I have two older brothers, and an older sister. 13 years older than me, 10 years older than me and 8 years older than me. I was an after thought. Almost like a second family for my parents.

35. My mother has been married mulitple times, and I am my dad's only biological child. He adopted my mothers other kids when they got married, so all her children would have the same last name. He has never treated any of us as less than his children.

36. My children are the only grandkids on my hubby's side, and two of the only three on my side of the family tree. They're spoiled rotten.

37. I miss my children's babyhood.

38. After our son was diagnosied as Autistic, my husband had a vesectomy, and I had my tubes tied, so we would not be having any more children. It wouldn't be fair to our son, or any other possible children, because the boy requires so much time, energy, money, attention, and patients.

39. Our daughter, the older child, gets short changed at times due to her brother's condition. She's very understanding and has grown to understand why as she has gotten older. I still feel guilty though.

40. My husband being a cop scares the snot out of me at times. He's stable, has provided our family with security, a good living, a nice house, nice cars, and plenty of his attention. But the fear of losing him, him personally, scares me more than losing everything else this family owns.

41. I miss Alaska.

42. I really miss Alaska. That's home to me. Even with all the cold and harsh conditions at times, it's home.

43. I hate southeast texas and all the ignorant, uneducated ideas I have to deal with here. Culture shock, because it's like being time warped back 20 years into the bad ol' days.

44. Stupidity should be fatal.

45. Because of stupidity, my husband will always have job security. People keep doing dumb things to get arrested for.

46. I love Reese's Peanut Butter cups.

47. I once gave up coffee for lent. The biggest single hardest lenten season I have endured since starting to observe the pratice.

48. I have a learning disability, Dyslexia.

49. I can type almost as fast as I can think, and I spell better on the computer than in hand writting.

50. I am a terrible speller.

51. I like to make handmade gifts at Christmas to give to family and close friends. It shows that I took the time to do something, rather than just spend money. More love involved, I think.

52. I am obsessive compulsive about alot of things.

53. I stil cry at emotional movies and TV programs.

54. I am currently taking a mixed martial arts / self defense class.

55. I hold an Advanced Cardiac Life Support certification. It means I get 50 cents more an hour to be lilable for peoples lives. Kinda scary that peoples lives are only worth 50 cents an hour.

56. I grauated nursing school Phi Theta Kappa. ((they think I'm smart, and I'm not about to let THEM find out the truth. muhhhhhhhh))

57. I have to work twice as hard as everyone else on academics, due to my dyslexia.

58. My brother with the over 140 IQ is essentially unemployed, alcoholic, pot-smoking, didnt finish high school, gave up this then 13 year old daughter for adoption, bum, and Mom still likes him the best. WTF?????

59. Hubby said if afore mentioned brother ever gets caught DUI, he's running him in and enjoying every minute of it. I told him 'Good.'

60. I like the band 'Bowling for Soup,' and got to see them in concert this last summer at the skate park in my home town.

61. My daughter got me interested in the band, I took her to the concert, Jared touched her hand, and she was insane about it for the next week. Their CD goes into the player inthe car every time we get in and go ANYWHERE. I'm getting tired of that CD. Wish they would release a new one. Have to wait two more months.

62. I like shopping on ebay.

63. I love the spider lillies that come up uncultivated in my yard every fall. I think they are beautiful. Wish I could get to grow IN the flower bed, instead of by the fence.

64. In Alaska, I had raspberry bushes and patunia's in my garden, here in Texas I have a wild rose bush, spider plant, wonderint jews, and cannas. All low maintance plants. I want a garden without all the work.

65. my favorite holiday is halloween.

66. I grew up baptist, but now attened Catholic church with my husband and children. Me, I believe that its all between me and God, the flavor is irrelavent.

67. I'm not an attend church every time the doors are open type of person, I feel my spirituallity is personal, but I do attend services when I can.

68. One of me favorite foods: Sliced Granny Smith Apples dipped in a mixture of peanut butter and honey. yummmmmmm.

69. Prolly my favorite double digit number 69, but not for why you think. It's in one of my identification numbers, makes it easy to remember.

70. I dont like math. I can do it, as long as it's not some complex algebraic formula that Einstine would cringe at, just hand me my PDA.

71. I play Runescape online. But not as often as some people in my house.

72. Managing money is hard for me. The more money I have, it seems like the worse I am. During those 'poorer' times the hubby and I have endured, I did better at holding the checking acount in check, than when we are making good money. Somebody explain that to me? Shouldnt it work the other way around?

73. I collect monopoly stuff. The different speical edition board games, coffee cups, kick-nacks, Johnny Lightening monopoly themed cars, and christmas orniments.

74. I also have the Hallmark Star Trek orniments going back to the orginal one in 1990 or 91. I had all of them expect the very first one, and then last year hubby paid large dollars for the first one for me as a christmas present. It was the most unexpected thing he's ever given me. I'd wanted it for years, but looked on with envy due to the price. ((there goes that money management thing again.))

75. I use to watch the orginal Star Trek TV show with my day. It was a bonding thing for us. I think that is where my love of technology stems from. Dad is a TV repair man, among other electronics, so gizmos and thingamagigs are in his blood. Guess some things breed true.

76. When doing laundry, I use a kitchen timer to help me keep up with when it is time to switch loads around. It takes approx one hour to wash or dry a load of laundry, and then about 15 minutes to fold or hang it up. Sooooo, for each load of laundry my family generates in a week, it takes 2 hours and 15 minutes to get it clean, dry, and back into dresser and closets. That's alot of man hours(....er....woman hours in this house) just so they can say, "Mom, I have nothing to wear."

77. My cell phone bill is more than my home phone, and even when at home, I'll pick up the cell to call people.

78. I hate homework and projects, but I put alot of work into and do it anyway.

79. After I get my RN, and am making the big bucks, I plan on have a tummy tuck and liposuction, or maybe even a complete body lift. So I can have my pre-baby body back.

80. One of my teenaged dreams was to get to go to Paris France. It's yet to happen, but maybe after the tummy tuck.... *smiles*

81. I want to send my parents on vaction to Haiwii before they get too old to enjoy it.

82. I also want to be able to buy a grave marker for G's father. I really wish I could have met the wonderful man that helped raise my hubby to be the man he is today.

83. I think time travel would be so cool, but only as a tourist. If you actually went back and changed things, like the TV and movies show, I think it would actually mess up more stuff than it fixed. a la "Butterfly Effect."

84. It's my opinion that it's silly to think that humans are the only intelligent life in the entire vast universe we live in... the other beings may even be smarter, they're avioding us aren't they?

85. Dishonest people really piss me off.

86. Being sick makes me grouchy and demanding.

87. I make a lousy patient when sick, and my hubby hates it, cause he's usually the one having to tend to me.

88. I tend to stress out about the future.

89. Most of the things I worry about always work out in the end, even if it takes what seems like forever to do so.

90. I like the taste of green tea.

91. My favorite Disney character is Tinker Bell.

92. After looking thru my closet, I discovered that I buy alot of gray colored clothing. Black seems too harsh, and I am so not a bright primary color person. My auto is also gray. Guess it just tends to blend into the background better. So I own alot of gray.

93. I love the sound of the rain, but I dislike thunder storms.

94. I like to sleep when it rains.

95. My favorite time for making love seems be around 2pm. The kids are at school, and if our schedules permit, we have both slept late, had a nice lunch and are feeling all warm, and cozy.

96. Normally I have a high sex drive. I like it, and I'm not ashamed of it.

97. I dislike the sound of my own voice recorded and played back. I think I always sound stupid.

98. I've been in three very bad auto accidents in my life. In two I could have easily died, but I was wearing my seat belt.

99. When I do die, I want my brain to go to Autism research, donate any organs or tissue that is usable to another human being, and the rest of my cast off shell can be cremated. Just sprinkle my ashes into the ocean.

100. I believe in God and I really do think that Jesus paid for all my sins. I dont however go around tring to cram my beliefs down other people's throats.

Hahahaha Encouragement, just what I need

2006-09-11T16:59:00.000-05:00

This is like, not funny.

Worked all weekend, 12 hour shifts with a heavy patient load all weekend. Some how, folks just equate nurse with waitress, maid, and slave labor. So much for the most trusted and respected profession, ranking higher in public opinion polls than even doctors. It's gotta be cause we smile and shovel garbage at the same time. In nursing school, we are almost brow beat into believing that doctors are gods, (little g as I am a monothesis), and patients are always right. Soooooo, you have sick, uncomfortable, cranky, many times mentally challenged, very old people cussing you out and trying to knock your socks off every time to enter the room telling you how much you abuse them, and that they are gonna kill you with a gun, JUST because you are hanging up and I.V. antibiotic. This is medication, going into al already exiting IV line, fluids already running on a pump, all I have to do is hook up an piggyback line. Lady cant even feel any difference in the medication and fluids. And she's threating me, and attempted to hit me! She's as confused as a june bug, and twice as annoying. Me, I have to smile, nod, and do my job, all the while holding back there desire to just throttle her. I really do love my work, it's fatigue talking.

Strength of will is NOT hauling off and hitting half the people that need it, and instead killing them with kindness while picturing them with a noose around their necks. And that is just the families. *psychotic laughter* sorry, three rather rough twelve hour shifts, on my feet, and very little sleep have me a bit...... neurotic? The night shift seemed like such a good idea when this started, but that was before, "ah, mom? I dont mean to wake you up, but...." insert any demand you like, they all start like that, and generally could well wait and be addressed when I climbed out of bed at 1630.

*Picture the mad tea party from Disney's Alice in Wonderland* New topic:

Sept 11.
After 5 years, and it still just makes my chest ache. It's like my mom's generation and the Kennedy assassination, I remember where I was and what I was doing when I heard what was happening to our country. I remember going out for lunch after getting home from my basic nursing class ( the CNA course) and walking into the pizza place, having all the TV's on the news and watching the planes hit. Over and over again, seeing the planes and pentagon and bellowing smoke. How it hit me in the center of my chest, 'we're not safe anywhere.' How I watched the New York Port Authority and fire fighters rushing into burning buildings, just thinking, "Oh my God. All those innocent people." G and I went to see the movie a few month back, about the plane that crashed in a field in PA. It chronicled most of the events of the morning and what happened on that last plane. Very powerful. Very important. Not for entertainment, but for remembering. I know there is another movie out now about the events of 9/11, but I really dont think I can see it yet. Maybe when it comes out on Dvd, but not now. I am going to try and keep the TV off today and possible the rest of this week.

Those things just still hurt so badly. It's so close to home for me. As a nurse and the wife of a police officer, had that happened in Texas, that could well have been us. We have flown on plenty of airplanes. All those innocent people. Just gone without any regard to the sanctity and preciousness of those lives. How could anyone be such a monster? How could anyone celebrate the loss of so many innocent people. People just going to work, just doing everyday things, just nose to the grind stone, pay the bills, and punch the clock day after day. Ordinary people killed in the thousands, just for being in America. No provocation, no hostile intent towards their unseen killers, just Joe Average Citizen doing a civilian job, unaware that some one was about to turn them into cannon fodder.

How can anyone be so evil? And why dont we have Osama yet? Like Saddam, he needs to be captured alive, that way is not a martyr. Put him on Trial to show just how much of a monster he is, and them put in jail, isolation, with no way to get his message out, like the American terrorist was censored. Silence him, without giving him his "30 virgins." What a crock. WHAT evil did the 30 virgins do to be forced to endure his ass for all eternity?

well, enough of a rant, time for some sleep.

Life is soooo unfair

2006-09-03T21:16:00.000-05:00

So I had this great post written up...and the freaking computer ate it.

Anyway, to try and recreate it. I was ranting on things. Katrine and Rita. Government programs, and general social commentary. My job and school. The kids, husband and friends. Gone, poof, lost to the cyber gawds.

Anyway.... some of the highlights.

Several years ago, while trying to get my son's SSI renewed. I had recently graduated from nursing school, and my husband was working at one of the correctional compounds. We went in to provide our yearly documentation. Yes our son was still Autistic, yes he still needed special medical and psychological services. Yes our insurance still did not cover it, and finally, this is how much money we make, just peek into our private financial matters by coping our tax returns. We made $32 too much to continue to qualify for help with our son. He will be autistic for his entire life, and he will need special accommodations for his entire life. BUT because we both worked, and both were trying to meet the needs of our household. We didn't qualify for government help with him. The lady taking our information has the nerve to turn to me, and say if I would divorce my husband, and reapply, we would qualify for a full gambit of services. WTF??? Then she says that as long as we didn't mention that hubby lived at home, nothing else would really have to change. Just our legal status as married. Talk about a marriage penalty. Some people might go ahead and take that road, but I feel like that is wrong and unethical. So we just pay out of pocket for the things he needs. Let me tell ya, it ant cheap.

So fast forward a few years. Here we are hearing all week about the anniversary of Katrina. I live at hurricane Rita ground zero. So my sympathy went out the door about 11 months ago. About the time we started trying to rebuild our lives and faces wall after wall, because the folks from the Big Easy, had abused the help given to them. So the citizens of Texas and southwest LA, pay the price for the abuse. WE just rolled up our collective sleeves, broke out the chain saws, put on some grubby clothes, tolerated sweltering heat, and pulled ourselves up by the boot straps. Meanwhile the new oleans folks are out, living on luxury cruise ships, getting government sponsored tattoos, more aid and charity than you can shake a stick at, and lapping it up, standing around with hands out stretched demanding more of my tax dollars for free. WTF??? My family and I did get the living expenses 2 grand, but that was it.... And it took all of that to just compensate for being forcible exiled from home for three weeks, with little more than the clothes on our backs. FEMA, did not impress me, where is my flat screen TV? or my new hud house? or my celebrity star studded aid concert? Most folks may not know it, but the Katrina and Rita funds are totally separate. One does not cover expenses for the other. And here is the real kicker. Those that evacuated from New Oleans and came here.... They got benefits from BOTH!!!!! *smacking head on wall* How did that come about again?

Okay switching gears. The house is finally "The Banks", and in bout 15 -20 years ours. I got my but in gear and am currently taking the last two classes required for the upward mobility nursing program. So, God willing, next June I can start the program. After talking to my sister-in-law this afternoon, I think we will be sending the kids to spend next summer in Alaska with the family there. It will give the family time to see the kids, the kids time to really get to know the whole family there, and give me time to concentrate on school. So kinda a two birds for one stone thing.

Let's see..... There was more I really wanted to go over, but just haven't remembered yet. I do plan on trying to update. Just a matter of finding a few spare moments here and there. Time is a very precious commodity around this household.

Oh yeah. Martial Arts class. Started that this last June. Was looking for something for the boy child to get involved in as an activity. Well, cant have just one kid involved and not the other. So then the hubby decided that he wanted to go as well. Would be good training to help him out in the field. As a cop, any advantage is a good one. Then they all turn to me with questioning eyes and bullied me into it. So now the whole family is taking classes. Not bad really. It is something we can do together. The kids class is first, followed by the adults class. Four nights a week. The hubby, the daughter, and myself have now achieved our first belt. Yellow. The boy has his yellow strip, possible to get his belt at the next rank test. We are taking a mixed martial arts, self defense flavor of karate. Little of this and that thrown in for better on the street usage.

This is not some cookie cutter, money making, never helpful in real life school. He's not a francaise, its a private studio with a 5th degree karate black belt as instructor/owner. He also works at the county wide jail...Hence how G knows the guy. They bump into each other when G arrests people and had to bring them in. Despite to popular belief, we really do have a full jail, not just a two cell Mayberry drunk tank.

yes yes now I remember... the very peeving me off, munched post. I was complaining about never having time.

The girl child has softball (fall ball, all tournament play) practice twice a week, with games on the weekends. As mentioned before martial arts four nights a week. My school all day on Wednesday. My working every weekend, and G's weird ass, flip flop never can remember it so I have to write it down, work schedule. Can you see where this might not add up? Trust me it, don't. The girl child misses karate twice a week currently, and I end up missing all of her softball. The neighbor ends up taking her at least once a week. His daughter and ours are best friends, and they are never far apart if possible. Anyway, the neighbor also happens to be one of G's best friends in the whole world. Or as G says, his beeiatch. (like bitch, but a kinda ghetto pronunciation.)

So that's it for now. I have learned however to start saving my posts as drafts frequently while working on them.

Hell week

2006-06-09T06:02:00.000-05:00

What a week.

Last saturday, went to Target to get a "magic bullet blender" KC has been asking for one since before last christmas. So we go, at the check out, Gary is pitching such a bitch at me, I walked off without my Visa debit card. Didnt realize it until late that night. Had to work Sunday, so didnt call it in. Monday rolls around, and all this charges start rolling into my bank account. WTF!!!!!
Someone picked up my card and had a hell of a party on my dime. About one grand of a party. Crap, so monday afternoon was taken up with filing police reports and bank reports, and running all over creation to try and stop the hemraging bank account.
How do you spend $175.00 on crawfish? I mean, gezzzzzzz, and then 200.00 on grocies? Must be one big crawfish boil, beer drinking party.

On top of this I am stressing over this microbiology class. The summer session sounded like such a good idea at the time. Get it over with quick. Yeah right. Make the death quick and painless. yeah riiiight.

Finally got ahold of Elaine about writting me a refernce for the upward mobilty program. It will next summer before I can start it, and a year to complete the program. So TWO freaking years till I have that every elusive Real Nurse.

Then on top of money troubles, I get cancelled from work today. I cant afford to keep getting cancelled. This is gonna start some seriuos pinch the pocketbook. Just as the mortgage sitsuation is about to resolve itself.

Trey's teeth --oral surgery unknown
my teeth -- again, oral surgery 3grand
KC glasses -- couple hundred
Trey glassess -- couple hundred
Gary glassess -- again couple hundred
me glassess -- yeah
Trees and fences of house
Old medical bills paid off
Outstanding debts to be paid off --- tired of making payments.
some sort of savings????
Retirement funds????
House remodel -- pay for as we go. Bigger stuff have to save up for.

Rita Aftermath

2005-10-26T21:44:00.000-05:00

short review:
G gets home from AK, I was working extra hours to help pay for that trip. Next thing ya know, we are getting ready to evac d/t hurricane RITA. What a bitch. The news and local athorities were saying pack for 3 days. What a freaking joke. Handed kids off to my parents. After 4 days of 12+ hour shifts, I got home in time to pack up my importance documents, pictures, sentimental items of ulmate value, and computers with all my records in it. Had signed up to help the hospital get the pts out. After about a 3 hour nap, I get a frantic call asking how fast I can get to work. Aparently the other nurses bailed out on our patients. Lazy assed, gold digging, self centered bitches. So I went. Those patients were helpless, they had to choices, they were defensless. They needed me.

I went with the patients up to Shreveport, LA. Rode the ambulances with them. The nightmare ensued. 2 weeks of living onthe unit with the patients, 24-7. Then a week at a rent house just to get away from the hospital. My parents came to Shreveport with the kids and my older brother. They stayed inthe hospital with me. We had no where else to shelter them. All hotels were full, all rent houses were full. The one we got found us. A school chum of Dad's, that he had not seen in 45 years, found out about us. "Cozy" happened to live in Shreveport and is loaded with $$$$. He had a rent house that he let us have for free. So, unknowing how long we would be there, we moved into the house. Air matteress, and plastic chairs were the order of the day. The kids in two diffrent schools, with bussing problems.

Most of the folks in LA were nice to us, all of the Promise staff that went. Out of approx 70 employees, only 7 of us went with the pts. How cheesey is that. Now that I am removed from the immediate stress of the situtation I can vent.

After a week in the rent house, I'd had it, it was time to go home. So the parents, kids, brother and I loaded up and left. Cozy's house became home to some of the remaining Promise employees. That was really great of him. They could now relax and get out of the motels and stuff.
That first week in LA I worked 160 hours. it was almost more than any human should be asked to do. The LA hospital though we were providing all the staff, we thought they were.... so we get stuck out alot of the time. The company gave us bounuses, but at that point it was not about money any longer.. it was about endurance. It was about doing the right thing.

We did get out with the kids a few times. Went to the Red River Arts Revel, and Sci-Port. They had a blast there, got to watch 3 day old allagators being fed minows. really cool that. Took Older brother to a car museam. That was cool and I got some pictures.

Mom tried to buy everything in Shreveport Wal-Mart and Dollars stores so we would have to drag it back home. She just dont listen or care, guess retail therapy is the only help she'll ever seek for her psycotic behavior.

Now we are home. Getting things cleaned up. We need repairs, but it's gonna take awhile. The mortgage thing is on terminal hold now. The repairs have to be completed and another appraisal done before we can move forward on that. Maybe sometime next year we will actually owe the bank, instead of W, for this house.
The tree removal was done mostly by older brother, it took about 15 hours of moving debris, and bout 5 hours of cutting with chainsaw. We lost alot of trees, all our fences, the shed, some windows, the car port, some roof damage, and just general mess.

After a week of steady work it's actually starting to look like home again.

THAT'S why I havent posted in about two months.

Echos - repost 9-3-05

2005-10-26T21:42:00.000-05:00

Echos
its'o weird to read the online blogs of my family in Alaska. They are echoing things that I wrote about just a few days ago. The un-reality of it all, the more immediate pain of personal loss vs. public loss (Katrina), and the thoughts about Kevin. The memories and rememberances are so alike. It really hurts to read what they are feeling, what they are remembering and what they are going through, but also, I guess we all need it. I need to know what is going on with those left behind. I need to know how they feel and how they remember Kevin. I know G is not so great a convaying the emotional stuff or the details of the happenings. So I;ve been hanging on to Aunt B, Cousin B, and Cousin J's blogs for information. Been checking email and just waiting to hear word from the family.As the one unable to go to alaska for the funeral, I feel so outside and alone in my grief. I feel like I dont get to say my goodbyes to Kevin. and that damn hurts. He's gone. really gone. They already cremated him today and have already picked up his ashes. Next weekend they will take him out to they're favorite lake, hold a good ol' fashion keg party, irish wake for him and shatter the ashes. at the memorial service, they had posters with pictures, each family member collected up their favorites and made up poster boards for him. I have a picture that shows him, KC, and B, it was halloween. Kevin was in the hospital having surgery on his wrist. KC was about 2 1/2, dresses up as a nurse, and calling him "my kevin." He told one of the black nurses that she smelled good. (it was funny at the time, he didnt remember doing it, but we all loved it.) I wish I could have added that one and that story to the service. I miss him too.I went to work today and had a normal day. If any day in the hospital can be called normal. I laughed and smiled and ate with my co-workers and went on. Now I feel so bad....He was so young, and now he's gone and now B and kids have to go on alone. They have grandma and grandpa, and aunt J. But they have a hole in their family. Like stitch says, it's broken but still good.G leaves Alaska tonight. Seven hours in the air to Dallas, and then another hour to Houston, and 2 1/2 drive home. I work days tomorrow, should be in bed already, but will get to see G tomorrow night. Not sure if I want to share this blog with the family. I want a way to connect to them again. I miss them, but they seem so... distant, both phsyicall and emotionally from me now. Like I said. Outsider once again and alone. They have each other, they dont need me. I wish they at least acknowledged me. I hurt too. At times today, I thought, "yeah, I'm okay, no big." but fawk, then I read their blogs and just sit and cry. But I have to read the blogs... just have to. I want to be a part of it. He ment something to me to. How selfish of me... I know, They are going through more of a loss than I am. I should just shut up and try blend into the woodwork. Guess, I really shouldnt share this with them. I dont think I could stand the "fawk you." I got from B.She's already venting her anger at Kevin's "cunt of a birth mom." Really dont want her angry with me too. I know she needs somewhere to put her anger right now, I would blow up in her shoes, but I dont want to be her target. Been her target before, not pleasent.emotionally spent for now.

Where do ya get the money? -repost 9-2-05

2005-10-26T21:41:00.001-05:00

Where do ya get the money?
The house paperwork hit yet another snag yesterday. Seems like the appraisial we had done already will not transfer to the new mortgage company. ARG, now we have to pay for another one. 350.00 down the drain for nothing. and the new mortgage company wants the contracts re-written on the selling. Another 100.00 bucks. On top of that, the closing is now going to cost about twice what we has planned for. How the fawk are we going to come up with double the money we already have saved?G, in AK with the family for the funeral, has been difficult to get ahold of. Not to mention his less than satisfactory way of convaying information and messages to/from the family to home. Can I sign him up for some major sensativity training.... hmmmm, wonder if I could get the chief of police to make it a manditory training for him and all his co-workers? For someone that makes a living paying attention to details, he sure does a lousy job of it at times. Guess you dont have to write a court ready report to the wife and family.frustration is high.

more random thoughts - repost 9-1-05

2005-10-26T21:41:00.000-05:00

more random thoughts
this is just so unreal to me. I went outside and just looked at my garden. one lone rosebush, a wandering jew, spider plant, cannas, one hibiscus, and a lot of weeds. But I sat and looked at it for a long time. I've been meaning to do some weeding and tending, but it's been so dang hot outside. 100+ lately. As I was sitting there, a passing thunder storm blow up and dropped some rain on us. just sat there and listened to the thunder. It only lasted about half an hour and blew itself out. But I been doing alot of thinkin, alot of remembering. How funny to be in the early 30's and be in this spot.We've been working on the getting the mortgage paperwork on the house done. We've lived here 5 years, renting to own, but now W is going thur a divorce, and we need the title in our names before the soon to be ex-wife gets her claws into our house. This process has been going on since april, and has hit several major snags here and there, but we maybe finial in the home stretch.

stop the world, i want off --repost 9-1-2005

2005-10-26T21:39:00.000-05:00

stop the world, i want off
Death in the family. K. 33 years old and with 3 kids is gone. His wife, my husbands favorite cousin, is taking it really hard... go figure. SO we scrambled eggs, moved heaven and earth, moved mountains and then brought them to mohomid, to get G from Houston, TX to Kenia, AK, so he can go to the funeral.mean time, here at home, i cant stop crying. holding down the home front sucks. then my lovely mom has to call and start talking the the hurricain victims. Dont get the wrong, it's horrible and terrible whats going on, but shit, I can only process so much grief at time. Right now, this death is more personal and immediate to me. I'm cryig all the time, feeling guilty and lonely and just capital D depressed. This was so unexpected, none of us ever considered K to be in any danger. While we look for answers, there are none. The cause of death is unknown, the anchorage coraner couldnt find any signs of death and is awaiting a toxicicology report. IF he OD'ed on something, not only will B not get any of the measly 35k of insurance (hardly enough for 6 months) she'll be crushed. Anchorage cant get the reports back for a few weeks. (bullshit I say, the ER can get back lab results in 20 minutes where I work.)Trying not to call too much to G on the cell phone, I dont want to interupt him with the family too much. But gawd I wish I was there too. it still feels so unreal. How can he really be gone?fawk i didnt even really like him that much. but he was family and I didnt get to choose them, they accepted me. G brought me into the family, and they let me in. K and B were a big part of G and I dating and our early marriage. now I feel like I dont even know them anymore.we moved to TX to help care for my aging (and annoyoing) mom. They didnt like it, they were even hositle about it. So G got angry with B and hasnt talked to her before this for 4 years. Alot has happened in 4 years. I graduating nursing school and went to work. G graduated from 1 police accadamy, got hired on and then they sent him though another acadamy. That's 2 police acadmies and hundreds of miles on the car. So sick of school. Now it's my turn to go to upward mobility for the RN program. From the things I am hearing from Kenia, I wouldnt even know B now. She's writting a book, got an online graphic design BA degree. long shot from the girl I knew. Just hope its as good as they make it sound on the web site.That's my depressed, black mood, negative thought having inner self. She's playing up a limited success, and really just sitting and playing on her computer while ignoring the kids. not that G and i could throw rocks and glass houses or computer monitors. We spend alot of time on the computer too. and our kids do sit in front of the electronic babysitter too much too.damn to be perfect, i fawking hate being so damned human and flawed.stop the world, i wanna get off now.

recognation

2004-10-29T02:07:00.000-05:00

Am I important enough? It would be so ultra cool to have someone actually nominate me for one of those "woman of the day" kinda of things. But does anyone in my family think enough of me to do something like that? NO. To have someone praise me, write a letter about how much I mean to them, how wonderful and caring I am. I mean really, I am a caring person. Dang it....

Write a letter about me and what I do, who I am and my importance and controbutions to the world. *sigh* prolly never happen. Gary is not thoughtful enough to do so, and the kids... well kids are naturally self centered at this age. They are still in elementry school. My birth family, well, they are kinda self centered hopeless cases too.... it would take to much effort on the part of another person for them to perform an act like that. *shakes head* so much for being important to someone.

working again

2004-10-11T02:07:00.000-05:00

well so much for getting to go to the ren fair with beth. No one would work for me or trade shifts... I worked an extra shift. c'est la via I guess. the money will be nice.

Migrains again.

still dealing with death of a co-worker. how strange to be upset over it still. But part of it is that everyone seems to be talking it over and over and over again. So I end up hearing about it again and again, so very depressing.

oh well, gotta love it. Cant shot people for stupidity, but damn it would be nice. See I do have a violent temper to match the red hair, just dont show it. I'll be one of the mean grannies in the home someday, the one that no one wants to take care of. LOL. I find myself amusing.

oh well, still fighting with my computer system. It would prolly be faster if I had the time to devote an afternoon to fixing it. But as it is, it's ten minutes here or there. I stormed through the house today threatening to upgrade... I think a lap top would be nice. $$$$ yeah that'll happen.

oh well, time for rounds again. time to chart again. *smirk*

To really screw up you need a computer

2004-10-07T16:32:00.000-05:00

Computer problems. my system has been having problems and due to work and my messed up sleep schedule I have been unable to complete de-bug it. So I cant get to the internet. I have fixed the problem where it freezes before completing the startup process. At least some progress there. Anyway it is frustrating due to my dependance on the internet and my computer for things like banking and bill paying, email and a connection with the outside world. Pudunk Texas is just so removed from the rest of the world. It's like living in a freaking episode of the twillight zone where everything is encased in a bubble and not aging or moving forward for 20 years behind the rest of the world.

Whinning, tantrum throwing children. Oh God love 'em. God give me the patients to change the things I can, the wisdom to know the difference and a really big stick to beat them with.

A former co-worker of mine died. She was mid-40's, charge nurse, very caring, someone I liked. Aleatha. Very upsetting in a vague, I dont get it, sort of way. Today was the funeral, and I had class. Was so tired after working 12 hours and going to class. Came home and slept till the children bounded in and woke me up after they got home from school.

Anyeay, There's been so many things I wanted a chance to write about this week, and have been unable to d/t the computer problems. Now as I sit in front of the keyboard they have gone away.

I did get out from under my contract with Rue, the damn money grubbing basterds. I have paid them over $800.00 but at least I dont have to pay them anything more.

Anyway, that's the update as of today, and I can remember.

Dream dream dream dream

2004-09-28T01:47:00.000-05:00

Another weird dream I flet compaled to share.

Its some sort of apartment, but it only has three sides like a doll house. I am moving into this for some reason. I think I am the room mother for a group of college students. KC and Trey are amoung the students. But Trey is too young to be in school this year, maybe next year.

I am trying to come up with a way to arrang all these odd pieces of furnature into this very small living space. The bookcases are all falling apart but its all any of us have and for some reason we need all the peices of furnature. There is way too much to fit into this small space, but we need all of and I have to make it fit and still provide the girls with a study area, sleeping quarters, dinning area, kitchen and bathroom, all in sit com sized one bedroom apartment.

**now half awake and still working on this dream and problem**

Some how some bunk beds come into play. Two sets, so that's four beds and a single bed. That takes care of all the girls, they get the one bedroom. Trey and I have two single beds, we take up the far right hand corner and I start using all the massive bookcases to create false walls. ((that one had to come from my real life use of bookcase to create the illusion of another room,.)) Anyway, I have to set up these other areas. So the far left hand side is the living area with TV. My rocking chair and another one, I think it is one of the other girls, are set against the wall facing into the living space, and facing the TV. The TV is set facing the rocking chairs, the back facing into some study area, the study area again defined by bookcases and my ugle bambo box coffee table. That area is for them to do homework and keep their eyes off the TV.

I think the dinning area kinda fell off the map, I dunno what happend to it. But I am worried about Trey and how he will deal with this, us have no privacy.

anyway, by this time I am fully awake and need to write this down.

Since starting this blogger I have been using it for my dreams. Never before have I remembered my dreams as often nor have I recorded them.

The only other dream I remembered this vividly was the lions licking blood from dumpsters and myself as a child sitting in my moms van watching in horror this scene. The lions had somehow gotten out of control and were terrorizing the city. A large city that I remember, but I dont know which one. I had this dream a child and it has always haunted me. It was so real and in color. The lions looked so large and deadly they scared me.

anyway. I guess I have weird dreams but I forget them until now... when I started getting up in the middle of the night to record them here.

Life Style

2004-09-27T21:01:00.000-05:00

A quote from Cynthia: From the movie "the first 20 million"

*Simplify, clarify, and economize.*

What a great ideal. I like it. It has inspired my recent battle against the clutter. I am trying to get rid of the junk, organize and debunk the house. The budget is getting better, my bills are being paid on time. I am working on getting my life organized, orderly and manageble.

It's like when I stopped bitting my finger nails, or the last year of better eating habits and excercise. I just had to make the decision and 'just do it.' I just have to make it important to myself.

I want to see that movie too. Cynthia is great about movies. She knows I feel TV is a waste of time. I'd rather watch movies where I am the programing director. I hate TV. I love my VCR and DVD. I hate the TV. Possible the only redeming things on TV are on the history channel, PBS, or Discovery.

*scoff scoff* I am such a preppy. Even today. no jock for me, no brain for me, no geek for me... all yuppie/preppie.

Read on McDuff

2004-09-27T17:24:00.000-05:00

I've had someone make one comment on one of my previuos posts.

Now it's like I kinda want someone to look at it, and I kinda don't. It's like someone reading your mail or a stranger finding your diary and reading it. In a way I would really like some validation about my thoughts and feelings, but in a way I am scared to death of rejection. Obsessive Compulsive that I am, I've had to add a photo to my profile now. Cuz someone might actually read it. LOL Are we (amercians, women, you name the group) really so starved for intellicual connections with others, that we go out of our way to find annonomous strangers to connect and communication with?

WTF does that say bout our society?

Are we really so straved for someone to just listen?

Hell I dont want anyone to "FIX" my problems, I just want a place to voice them in safety without causing harm to my relationships or myself. Some place to 'blow steam' or "vent" just someplace to pout quietly and not have anyone try to make it all better. I'm a big girl, I know that no one can make it all better but me. I know it's my perception that dictates my moods. It's "living the full spots of my life and getting over the empty ones" that will make my happiness achievable. Gezzzzzz. I just want a place to be who I am in my own head.

YEs the people pleaser in me wants someone to understand me without the need of $100 per hour therapy sessions. Beside those over educated psycho-babbaling idoits are even more screwed up than the rest of us. I know, I work with them. THEY go to other shirkens more often than the rest of us do. LOL Being in health care gives me such a clear prospective on life.

I dont want someone hurtful to read my thoughts. But yeah I kinda would like to connect with other people in a non-threatening enviroment. a la internet strangers.

I find myself checking to see if anyone has posted to my blog.... OCD again. ((Obsessive compulsive disorder))

* chuckles* yeah.... what a lovely state of affairs.

more later.

This old house

2004-09-27T15:18:00.000-05:00

My list goes on and on and on....

Bob Vila could spend a whole season on my house:

LONG TERM GAOLS

Insulate the garage
Extended fench
Rewire garage dryer / air conditioner breaker problem
Finish garage walls -- half done
Add bathroom -- between kitchen and garage, link up to kitchen plumbing.
Kitchen Remodel: ((to be done in stages))
Add false floor and move pantry wall --changed mind, dont want to do this, this way anymore.
Take out kitchen/pantry dividing wall -- nope, add to dividing wall for more privacy
Move refrigerator onto kitchen false floor extension -- can't do
Open up kitchen walls into living room -- half done, window added, needs to be fininshed
Add kitchen cabinets -- *rolls eyes* get ahold of old cajun guy that is HoH and works slow but cheap.
Add butcher block top -- still want
Replace sliding glass doors with more ornamental doors (French/stained glass)
Close in car port/ extend roof from pantry door to carport & garage _) -- must revise.
New roof over bedroom -- Gary wants tressel and pitched roofing.
Make fold down knife drawer.
Fix leak under sink -- half done
Add gravel or shell beside car port for parking
Clean out bamboo -- tried, bambo is hard to kill.
Bar B Que pit -- done
Walls around bedroom door repaired -- again, half done.
Door sweeps and gaskets -- have idea on purchase to fix this.
Astroturf removed from yard outside bedroom -- done, did it myself, do it is actuall all the way done.

more later.

(edit)

maybe I should put half assed or half baked beside all the things only half done. That just really ticks me off. What's wrong with starting a project and working on it until completion... what's wrong with getting a job all the way done?

Respect

2004-09-27T08:07:00.000-05:00

I am soooo mad.

Last night at work, I had a few minutes to kill, so I logging into my email. There I find an email that Wayne has gone out of his way for me to read. I just read the intro, he says he is "blowing steam,." at which point I start to steam. I have repeatedly asked him not to send my emails. If he must send me an email, make is something that if Gary read it, Gary wouldnt mind it. IT's a matter of respect. He repeatedly ignores my requests. He emails are manipulative, guilt trip, attempts at controlling me, attempts to illict an emotional response from me. HE is throwing a temper tantrum basically. Oh he makes me sooo mad. If I said half the things out loud that I think in my head, everyone would shot themselves and I would be guilty of driving them to it.

Neither one of them has any idea how much venoum and anger I hold back from them... how often I bite my tongue.

Wayne repeatedly does things I ask him not to do. Repeatedly disreguards my wishes. WTF????? I am trying to hold together a marriage I am very fond off. I like Gary, I love Gary, I enjoy being around Gary and I can actually TRUST him. Wayne has a long history of dishonesty with the women in his life. I've caught him in lies time and again. Does he really think I am sooo stupid as to place emotional trust in him with his repeated violation of my trust?

I am backed into a corner in that I need Wayne to help met the needs of the kids. I could make it on my own. Hell I could make it without Gary. But damn it would be unpleasent, scarafice of quality of life and just plain hard to cope. The kids would not have nearly so many of their needs emotional, physical, and social met if it were just me. Three adults does have its advantages. But freak, it's complicated too.

And Gary, as much as I love, adore, and need him emotionally. He is just plain lazy. Zip, zero, none as far as self starter at home goes. Now put a job related superiour in front of him and he's a ball of fire. But me, his wife, I have to ask a dozen times for him to change the cat litter box,a nd still half the time do it myself or ask Wayne to do it for me. I think waiting a week AFTER the damn thing is rank, is plenty patient enough. I mean damn, I dont want to live in a pig sty, but I just dont have the energy, time or desire to take care of 100% of everything.

I suppose this blog has become my new method of venting. I can be honest with myself and not give a freak who sees it. You dont know me anyway. LOL you could run into me on the street and not know that these words are running through my head. You would have no clue what I have going on at home.

I deleted his email unread. I just dont want to play into his little guilt trip. I dont want to take that ride. Distancing myself once it was read, would be next to impossible, so I file 13'd it.

Cell phone calling me on the way home from work. He as attempted to leave me a voice mail. *shakes head* Controlling. Just another tool to try and illict his desired response out of me. Freak I am tired of that shit. Some days, girls are sooooo much easier.

My A list:

If anything every happened to Gary (God forbide it) who would I sleep with?

First off, I'd be a slut, cause no one would be able to replace him, and it would just be fun sweaty exercise for fill an unfillable void.

Wayne (a Dr. Doolittle/pygmalian kinda thing. I'd want to improve him and make him into a real person)
James (he is just so flirty, of course I would have to change jobs.)
Jetta ( I owe her the shot at a relationship should anything happen to Gary, she was my first girl.)
Bill Alen, (just one taste would prolly do it.)
Tackleberry/Carter (he's a slut too, and would just be filling an empty spot.)
Beth (I do care about her very deeply, but I think she would be alarmed at my lack of..er..morals.)
hum, prolly more as the opportunity would arise.

more later.

Musings

2004-09-26T22:01:00.000-05:00

Just a note to myself.

I am at work so cant really expand on all I'd like to.

the A list

to do list

rantings and ravings

having someone read my mail... er okay.

Mental Health

2004-09-26T16:23:00.000-05:00

Re-published for my own memory of the event:

I've been asked by a friend of mine to define the following roles and relationships: man, woman, husband, wife, mother and father. Takening into account that ideal tne reality differ and that my point of view is subjective; and therefore limited to my personal experience.

Man -- a physically adult male that has reached an emotional mature level capable of commitment, responsiblity, and accountablity above and beyond simple self gradification.

Woman -- same as above, only female.

Husband -- a man that has made (and re-makes daily) a committment to a life long partnership with a woman. Agreeing to fullfill certain roles within that ralationship. Traditionally the hunter/gatherer/provider of a family. Also traditionaly the leadership role within the family. (side note: all marriages SHOULD be established to provide for any offspring before any other role is made priority. Secondly, to provide a social and emotional support for both partners within a trusting relationship.)

Wife -- Woman in above descirbed partnership. Traditionally the caregiver of the family. The parnter that usually bears the offspring. The nurse, maid, super bieing the does it all and completes anything left undone by the man.

Mother -- If a man wears the pants in the family, a mother has picked them out. Either the mother of his children of the man's won mother. Mothers are the driving, thinking force, good or bad, behind all people. The hand the rocks the cradle rules the world. Never underestate the power of a supporting role.

Father -- the coach and encourager. He who strives for and expects success ( in whatever form) in all those around him. The leading role in this stage production of life. The one who bears the brunt of force in adversity, violence, in the face of war and glory in his own personal achievment. Above all he provides safety and security for his family.

Above all our children are the only real thing we leave behind when we pass. Our job is to teach then and train them. Help them to grow into happy and successful adults. (however you define success is what determines what/how you train your children.)

Dreams

2004-09-26T12:36:00.000-05:00

Just woke up in the middle of the day, bad dream.

The dream is as follows:

gary and I were in a bank, for some reason we were standing in diffrent lines. Trey was with gary. As I was standing in line, I hear a door bell going off again and again. Some bank employee starts yelling at Trey. I am so embaraced. Then I get mad. Gary retrieves Trey, still standing in line. They do what they have to do and then join me in my line. We finally get done what every I have to do, I am soooo mad. so I take an Autism card up to the employee that yelled at Trey, he blows me off. So I find the bank manager, tell him about it and complain. I ask him to have mr hot shot yelling man to write a report on Autism if the bank wants to keep my business and the manager retreves the autism card from the trash walks Gary and I out of the bank. Gary has put Trey into the Red Escort. For some reason we still have that car, and somehow Gary and I get into another car. Gary is controlling the red car by remote control. I ask him why he didnt have one of us ride in the other car with trey. He didnt think about it. so like Gary. Anyway, as we drive, we are driving down here, in Texas that much I know. As we drive, because of stop lights and all, the red car gets ahead of us. I am very upset. Gary has to swerve around another car and run a red light to catch up to Trey in the Red car. I am scared that trey has crawled out of his seat and gotten into the drivers seat. We come up to an intersection and the red car is pulled over half up on the curb, Trey is out of the car. I think Trey is walking around the car but I can't see him. The people around the scene are asking where his parents are.

Then I wake up.

My mom is trying to guilt me about not spending enough time with the kids, about needing to do something about my living arrangement. She is not happy with how my life is going. OF course she asks me in the same breath what I would do without wayne. *shaking head* She just wants for me to have some screw up like the rest of her kids. Guess mine is loving too much. yeah somedays I could scream, but over all the needs of my kids are met, and the household runs. The kids are looked after and I dont have to put in 100% of the work, or even 95% of it. I would say it is more balanced than that.

She doesnt approve anyway. She doesnt want to see me divorced, she dont want to see wayne out of the picture, but she doesnt want me to continue on this way. What the hell does she want? that's what I cant figure out. Lord in heaven help me, I am toomuch of a people pleaser. my birth family is still screwing me up, will I forever be their symptom child?

Wasted days and Wasted Nights

2004-09-26T00:46:00.000-05:00

Well, slept all day again.

Guess this working nights has me all turned around on my personal clock. So I am awake all night long and everyone else is sleeping.

I went into work tonight, it was Maggies last night on this shift. She moves to days from here on out. After 30 years of working nights, she is going to days so she can get her health in order and spend time with the grandkids. I'm going to miss her though. She's been a mentor to me, taught me a lot and encouraged me on those bad nights. I understand her reasons for moving to days. better hours, more of a social life, hell, more of a life. I'm still gonna miss her.

Due to the low patient census, I was sent home at eleven. The guys came by work tonight to see me. Both kids are spending the night with grannie, so they had some time for male bonding. I was kinda hoping to get to do some running around with them when I got home. BUT I don't think the bank account is up for much parting and Gary doesnt seem too keen on just running about town. Although I am dying to get out and sample some life. IT is soooo very rare that I get a kid free, work free night anymore. Damn. On my weekends off, Wayne has his kids here. I feel like a heel if Gary and I go out without him and leave him to babysit all the kids. LOL, so much for being grown up and able to do what I want to do. blah, There is always some little mouse nibbling at my time and energy.

Some days I am almost envious of those divorced couples, they have everyother weekend without kids and get to have a grown up life. ME, I have my hubby and kids all the time, and Wayne all the time, and his kids part time. When do I get a break?

I also think that my hormones are going insane. I been horny as a cat in heat all day today too. it has GOT to be cycle related and that peak thing. Dr Pomonis came by the unit this evening, and I about drooled on him. James even commented on how badly I was sucking up. OF course no sooner had I said something about "it's a good thing I'm married." than the two guys walked up behind me to visit. LOL. And then I had to tell on myself. :) It's just no fun flirting when you know no one cares if you do it. No reaction.

Wayne has been sulking around the last week or so. I think he's getting pissy and clingy agian because he is not getting any affection. Sorry, not something I can do any damned thing about. He makes a point of not so subletly letting me know that he knows when Gary and I have sex, and he is upset that he is not getting any. Leaves notes that he went walking. He only goes walking those nights my husband and I choose to be intamate. like he is trying to make me feel guilty about being with my own husband. Drives me crazy. I think he spies on my too. I am almost peranoid about it at this point. Wanting to put curtains up about my bed, and tin foil the windows, sound proof my room. Uck. I so value my privacy, and it's like I dont have any freaking privacy as long as anyone else in the freaking house.

Why do they think their needs are more important that mine? When I do not react to them the way the want me to, they get all pissy, and huffy. Like I am not playing the game. But it still tears me up. I WANT to make everyone happy, but I know that is physically impossible. I cant even make myself happy most of the time. HELL maybe I just need to up my antidepressent. LOL I need more happy pills that will solve everything.

Oh well, on to try and find a way to salvage this evening. MAybe get some fun and excitement out of the kid free night yet.

What dreams may come

2004-09-25T03:32:00.000-05:00

I;m having weird dreams as of late. Theres a great deal of sexual content to them too. Maybe it's just a hormonial thing, like going into heat or something. Of course at 31, it could also be that peak thing that we all hear so much about. I dunno. anyway. I slept all day, that was kinda weird, didnt wake up until the kids were home from school and yelling at me. Slept right through both alarms going off. not sure if it was the bug I am fighting, depression, or just a messed up shiftworker sleep schedule.

Anyway, I didnt get acomplished half of what I wanted to do today. Guess that leaves that much more for next week.

Some days I just feel so held back. Too many responsiblities, not enough fun in my life. I've been batteling the clutter in my home as of late, and I think the clutter is winning. LOL

sleepless nights and wasted days... gee the story of my life. oh well, I have to work all weekend, so guess this will be all I write about for now.

Sick Days

2004-09-20T16:22:00.000-05:00

It's one of those sick days. I cant get into the doctor until tomorrow and I am misrable.

You'd think at 31 I'd be over wanting my mom to come pamper me while I'm not feeling well. Heck if I'd have been feeling better I would have called her over. Anyway, I slept most of the day and only got a few of the errends done that I had planned for today. Did after school homework with the kids and started christmas wish lists with them. KC had to sulk this afternoon because I wouldnt let her wear her school uniform pants for play clothes. In my defense, she did get bright red paint on the last pair of school pants I let her play in, now they have to be replaced.

Ah kids. aint they great. Trey seems to be having a good day today. He and I worked on his spelling words with minimal fussing. Just think how tired you are, much less say it out loud, and they have a million things that only mom can handle. So much for them being self sefficent.

The cat too is trying to kill me, he tripped me on the way back to the keyboard.

Gary is attending a memeoral service at school this afternoon for the local police officer that died in a copter crash. The whole class is attending. It's odd how one cop dying just kinda makes you hurt for your own husband. I know he puts himself at risk everyday, but damn it, that's a bloody hell of a reminder that he could just not come home one day. That's got to be my worst fear.

Despite everything his family thinks of me, or my family thinks of him. He's a great dad, a good husband and wonderful partner. He is my other half, my team mate in this game of life. We have eachothers backs. I could survive without him, but it would be just for the kids sake, I'd be lost emotionally. He really is the love of my life.

There have been times when I knew he was at risk, in the Navy, and in corrections, when the thought alone of losing my made me cry.

How many academy's have we been through together? I've lost count. Damn it, we been through the poorer part....when do we get to the richer part? :P