The phone call!

Yesterday, shortly after my last post...where I thought the only way possible for me to feel better would be for me to "make a celestial discharge," my phone rings!

And who is on the phone that means sooo much to me, that on my "death bed," I come back to life to speak to for over an hour? My girlfriend in Dallas. This is a wonderful lady, very artistic, loving, and caring. I felt better just talking to her. Then she leaves me a note on my yahoo 360. :)

I feel all warm and fuzzy! she still cares about me. I was kinda worried there for a while. We had a bit of a disagreement over my picking up smoking. She has had many losses in her life due to cancer, and it really upset her when I picked up the habit. So we hadnt really been talking in months. Actually only about 3 or 4 times since this disagreement almost a year ago. So I was terrified that I was getting completely rejected. One of my really big fears when it comes to a 'girlfriend,' is that she will get bored with me and tell me to shove off.

Relationships with other women have always ment a great deal to me. It seems like a woman can bond more closely at times with the physical aspects getting in the way less. So of the very few women I have been attracted to and the even fewer that I have had relationships with, I am completely, totally, and hopelessly in love with them.

A little bit of background. My first girlfriend approached me, we were in high school, and we really didnt have a clue as to what we were doing. But I still have a copy of every letter she ever wrote to me. She is now in a committed three way relationship with a woman and her husband. It works for them. I try to stay out of it. She thinks I abandoned her when I went to Alaska, I kinda did. For that I feel guilty sometimes. I was very young and was trying very hard to be what was expected of me to be.

I have since learned that I just dont fit into that mold completely. I have learned that while I love my husband, sometimes I just need another woman in my life.

So the lady that has my heart, and has for the last several years, called yesterday. She still loves me!!!!!!$%%*$&$($(%*$($($)$($*$ I had been kinda mopping around and brewding about it for months, unsure of our status. Now I think that maybe there is a chance! I know I have to quit smoking. I have been trying to do that anyway. My hospitial is going no smoking for the whole campus in Nov anyway. I have been to my doctor and am on a medication that is suppose to help, and she has recommended hypnosis. I'm thinking seriously about doing that. I want to quit.

The last four days of being ill, I've only had about 6 smokes total, because I was so sick, I didnt want to go outside. I dont smoke in the house, or in front my kids. It's a stupid habit I picked up due to nerves, a bitchy work enviroment, and trying to stay awake for night shift. So the work enviroment is at least somewhat better, my nerves are still shot to hell and back, and staying awake on night shift is always going to be a pain in the arse.

Anyway, diet and weight update, I have now lost 50 lbs total, and have eased up on the calorie intake restriction... I think that was the trick to coming off my plateau. I was being too strick and my body thought it was starving.... lemme tell you...not possible. So I am still taking the martial arts class, when feeling well. AND muscle does wt more then fat, so maybe I am building muscle too! More muscle means faster metabolism....faster metabolism means I may get to my goal weight.

Anyway, she loves me, she loves me, she loves me!!!!