short review:
G gets home from AK, I was working extra hours to help pay for that trip. Next thing ya know, we are getting ready to evac d/t hurricane RITA. What a bitch. The news and local athorities were saying pack for 3 days. What a freaking joke. Handed kids off to my parents. After 4 days of 12+ hour shifts, I got home in time to pack up my importance documents, pictures, sentimental items of ulmate value, and computers with all my records in it. Had signed up to help the hospital get the pts out. After about a 3 hour nap, I get a frantic call asking how fast I can get to work. Aparently the other nurses bailed out on our patients. Lazy assed, gold digging, self centered bitches. So I went. Those patients were helpless, they had to choices, they were defensless. They needed me.
I went with the patients up to Shreveport, LA. Rode the ambulances with them. The nightmare ensued. 2 weeks of living onthe unit with the patients, 24-7. Then a week at a rent house just to get away from the hospital. My parents came to Shreveport with the kids and my older brother. They stayed inthe hospital with me. We had no where else to shelter them. All hotels were full, all rent houses were full. The one we got found us. A school chum of Dad's, that he had not seen in 45 years, found out about us. "Cozy" happened to live in Shreveport and is loaded with $$$$. He had a rent house that he let us have for free. So, unknowing how long we would be there, we moved into the house. Air matteress, and plastic chairs were the order of the day. The kids in two diffrent schools, with bussing problems.
Most of the folks in LA were nice to us, all of the Promise staff that went. Out of approx 70 employees, only 7 of us went with the pts. How cheesey is that. Now that I am removed from the immediate stress of the situtation I can vent.
After a week in the rent house, I'd had it, it was time to go home. So the parents, kids, brother and I loaded up and left. Cozy's house became home to some of the remaining Promise employees. That was really great of him. They could now relax and get out of the motels and stuff.
That first week in LA I worked 160 hours. it was almost more than any human should be asked to do. The LA hospital though we were providing all the staff, we thought they were.... so we get stuck out alot of the time. The company gave us bounuses, but at that point it was not about money any longer.. it was about endurance. It was about doing the right thing.
We did get out with the kids a few times. Went to the Red River Arts Revel, and Sci-Port. They had a blast there, got to watch 3 day old allagators being fed minows. really cool that. Took Older brother to a car museam. That was cool and I got some pictures.
Mom tried to buy everything in Shreveport Wal-Mart and Dollars stores so we would have to drag it back home. She just dont listen or care, guess retail therapy is the only help she'll ever seek for her psycotic behavior.
Now we are home. Getting things cleaned up. We need repairs, but it's gonna take awhile. The mortgage thing is on terminal hold now. The repairs have to be completed and another appraisal done before we can move forward on that. Maybe sometime next year we will actually owe the bank, instead of W, for this house.
The tree removal was done mostly by older brother, it took about 15 hours of moving debris, and bout 5 hours of cutting with chainsaw. We lost alot of trees, all our fences, the shed, some windows, the car port, some roof damage, and just general mess.
After a week of steady work it's actually starting to look like home again.
THAT'S why I havent posted in about two months.
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
Echos - repost 9-3-05
Echos
its'o weird to read the online blogs of my family in Alaska. They are echoing things that I wrote about just a few days ago. The un-reality of it all, the more immediate pain of personal loss vs. public loss (Katrina), and the thoughts about Kevin. The memories and rememberances are so alike. It really hurts to read what they are feeling, what they are remembering and what they are going through, but also, I guess we all need it. I need to know what is going on with those left behind. I need to know how they feel and how they remember Kevin. I know G is not so great a convaying the emotional stuff or the details of the happenings. So I;ve been hanging on to Aunt B, Cousin B, and Cousin J's blogs for information. Been checking email and just waiting to hear word from the family.As the one unable to go to alaska for the funeral, I feel so outside and alone in my grief. I feel like I dont get to say my goodbyes to Kevin. and that damn hurts. He's gone. really gone. They already cremated him today and have already picked up his ashes. Next weekend they will take him out to they're favorite lake, hold a good ol' fashion keg party, irish wake for him and shatter the ashes. at the memorial service, they had posters with pictures, each family member collected up their favorites and made up poster boards for him. I have a picture that shows him, KC, and B, it was halloween. Kevin was in the hospital having surgery on his wrist. KC was about 2 1/2, dresses up as a nurse, and calling him "my kevin." He told one of the black nurses that she smelled good. (it was funny at the time, he didnt remember doing it, but we all loved it.) I wish I could have added that one and that story to the service. I miss him too.I went to work today and had a normal day. If any day in the hospital can be called normal. I laughed and smiled and ate with my co-workers and went on. Now I feel so bad....He was so young, and now he's gone and now B and kids have to go on alone. They have grandma and grandpa, and aunt J. But they have a hole in their family. Like stitch says, it's broken but still good.G leaves Alaska tonight. Seven hours in the air to Dallas, and then another hour to Houston, and 2 1/2 drive home. I work days tomorrow, should be in bed already, but will get to see G tomorrow night. Not sure if I want to share this blog with the family. I want a way to connect to them again. I miss them, but they seem so... distant, both phsyicall and emotionally from me now. Like I said. Outsider once again and alone. They have each other, they dont need me. I wish they at least acknowledged me. I hurt too. At times today, I thought, "yeah, I'm okay, no big." but fawk, then I read their blogs and just sit and cry. But I have to read the blogs... just have to. I want to be a part of it. He ment something to me to. How selfish of me... I know, They are going through more of a loss than I am. I should just shut up and try blend into the woodwork. Guess, I really shouldnt share this with them. I dont think I could stand the "fawk you." I got from B.She's already venting her anger at Kevin's "cunt of a birth mom." Really dont want her angry with me too. I know she needs somewhere to put her anger right now, I would blow up in her shoes, but I dont want to be her target. Been her target before, not pleasent.emotionally spent for now.
its'o weird to read the online blogs of my family in Alaska. They are echoing things that I wrote about just a few days ago. The un-reality of it all, the more immediate pain of personal loss vs. public loss (Katrina), and the thoughts about Kevin. The memories and rememberances are so alike. It really hurts to read what they are feeling, what they are remembering and what they are going through, but also, I guess we all need it. I need to know what is going on with those left behind. I need to know how they feel and how they remember Kevin. I know G is not so great a convaying the emotional stuff or the details of the happenings. So I;ve been hanging on to Aunt B, Cousin B, and Cousin J's blogs for information. Been checking email and just waiting to hear word from the family.As the one unable to go to alaska for the funeral, I feel so outside and alone in my grief. I feel like I dont get to say my goodbyes to Kevin. and that damn hurts. He's gone. really gone. They already cremated him today and have already picked up his ashes. Next weekend they will take him out to they're favorite lake, hold a good ol' fashion keg party, irish wake for him and shatter the ashes. at the memorial service, they had posters with pictures, each family member collected up their favorites and made up poster boards for him. I have a picture that shows him, KC, and B, it was halloween. Kevin was in the hospital having surgery on his wrist. KC was about 2 1/2, dresses up as a nurse, and calling him "my kevin." He told one of the black nurses that she smelled good. (it was funny at the time, he didnt remember doing it, but we all loved it.) I wish I could have added that one and that story to the service. I miss him too.I went to work today and had a normal day. If any day in the hospital can be called normal. I laughed and smiled and ate with my co-workers and went on. Now I feel so bad....He was so young, and now he's gone and now B and kids have to go on alone. They have grandma and grandpa, and aunt J. But they have a hole in their family. Like stitch says, it's broken but still good.G leaves Alaska tonight. Seven hours in the air to Dallas, and then another hour to Houston, and 2 1/2 drive home. I work days tomorrow, should be in bed already, but will get to see G tomorrow night. Not sure if I want to share this blog with the family. I want a way to connect to them again. I miss them, but they seem so... distant, both phsyicall and emotionally from me now. Like I said. Outsider once again and alone. They have each other, they dont need me. I wish they at least acknowledged me. I hurt too. At times today, I thought, "yeah, I'm okay, no big." but fawk, then I read their blogs and just sit and cry. But I have to read the blogs... just have to. I want to be a part of it. He ment something to me to. How selfish of me... I know, They are going through more of a loss than I am. I should just shut up and try blend into the woodwork. Guess, I really shouldnt share this with them. I dont think I could stand the "fawk you." I got from B.She's already venting her anger at Kevin's "cunt of a birth mom." Really dont want her angry with me too. I know she needs somewhere to put her anger right now, I would blow up in her shoes, but I dont want to be her target. Been her target before, not pleasent.emotionally spent for now.
Where do ya get the money? -repost 9-2-05
Where do ya get the money?
The house paperwork hit yet another snag yesterday. Seems like the appraisial we had done already will not transfer to the new mortgage company. ARG, now we have to pay for another one. 350.00 down the drain for nothing. and the new mortgage company wants the contracts re-written on the selling. Another 100.00 bucks. On top of that, the closing is now going to cost about twice what we has planned for. How the fawk are we going to come up with double the money we already have saved?G, in AK with the family for the funeral, has been difficult to get ahold of. Not to mention his less than satisfactory way of convaying information and messages to/from the family to home. Can I sign him up for some major sensativity training.... hmmmm, wonder if I could get the chief of police to make it a manditory training for him and all his co-workers? For someone that makes a living paying attention to details, he sure does a lousy job of it at times. Guess you dont have to write a court ready report to the wife and family.frustration is high.
The house paperwork hit yet another snag yesterday. Seems like the appraisial we had done already will not transfer to the new mortgage company. ARG, now we have to pay for another one. 350.00 down the drain for nothing. and the new mortgage company wants the contracts re-written on the selling. Another 100.00 bucks. On top of that, the closing is now going to cost about twice what we has planned for. How the fawk are we going to come up with double the money we already have saved?G, in AK with the family for the funeral, has been difficult to get ahold of. Not to mention his less than satisfactory way of convaying information and messages to/from the family to home. Can I sign him up for some major sensativity training.... hmmmm, wonder if I could get the chief of police to make it a manditory training for him and all his co-workers? For someone that makes a living paying attention to details, he sure does a lousy job of it at times. Guess you dont have to write a court ready report to the wife and family.frustration is high.
more random thoughts - repost 9-1-05
more random thoughts
this is just so unreal to me. I went outside and just looked at my garden. one lone rosebush, a wandering jew, spider plant, cannas, one hibiscus, and a lot of weeds. But I sat and looked at it for a long time. I've been meaning to do some weeding and tending, but it's been so dang hot outside. 100+ lately. As I was sitting there, a passing thunder storm blow up and dropped some rain on us. just sat there and listened to the thunder. It only lasted about half an hour and blew itself out. But I been doing alot of thinkin, alot of remembering. How funny to be in the early 30's and be in this spot.We've been working on the getting the mortgage paperwork on the house done. We've lived here 5 years, renting to own, but now W is going thur a divorce, and we need the title in our names before the soon to be ex-wife gets her claws into our house. This process has been going on since april, and has hit several major snags here and there, but we maybe finial in the home stretch.
this is just so unreal to me. I went outside and just looked at my garden. one lone rosebush, a wandering jew, spider plant, cannas, one hibiscus, and a lot of weeds. But I sat and looked at it for a long time. I've been meaning to do some weeding and tending, but it's been so dang hot outside. 100+ lately. As I was sitting there, a passing thunder storm blow up and dropped some rain on us. just sat there and listened to the thunder. It only lasted about half an hour and blew itself out. But I been doing alot of thinkin, alot of remembering. How funny to be in the early 30's and be in this spot.We've been working on the getting the mortgage paperwork on the house done. We've lived here 5 years, renting to own, but now W is going thur a divorce, and we need the title in our names before the soon to be ex-wife gets her claws into our house. This process has been going on since april, and has hit several major snags here and there, but we maybe finial in the home stretch.
stop the world, i want off --repost 9-1-2005
stop the world, i want off
Death in the family. K. 33 years old and with 3 kids is gone. His wife, my husbands favorite cousin, is taking it really hard... go figure. SO we scrambled eggs, moved heaven and earth, moved mountains and then brought them to mohomid, to get G from Houston, TX to Kenia, AK, so he can go to the funeral.mean time, here at home, i cant stop crying. holding down the home front sucks. then my lovely mom has to call and start talking the the hurricain victims. Dont get the wrong, it's horrible and terrible whats going on, but shit, I can only process so much grief at time. Right now, this death is more personal and immediate to me. I'm cryig all the time, feeling guilty and lonely and just capital D depressed. This was so unexpected, none of us ever considered K to be in any danger. While we look for answers, there are none. The cause of death is unknown, the anchorage coraner couldnt find any signs of death and is awaiting a toxicicology report. IF he OD'ed on something, not only will B not get any of the measly 35k of insurance (hardly enough for 6 months) she'll be crushed. Anchorage cant get the reports back for a few weeks. (bullshit I say, the ER can get back lab results in 20 minutes where I work.)Trying not to call too much to G on the cell phone, I dont want to interupt him with the family too much. But gawd I wish I was there too. it still feels so unreal. How can he really be gone?fawk i didnt even really like him that much. but he was family and I didnt get to choose them, they accepted me. G brought me into the family, and they let me in. K and B were a big part of G and I dating and our early marriage. now I feel like I dont even know them anymore.we moved to TX to help care for my aging (and annoyoing) mom. They didnt like it, they were even hositle about it. So G got angry with B and hasnt talked to her before this for 4 years. Alot has happened in 4 years. I graduating nursing school and went to work. G graduated from 1 police accadamy, got hired on and then they sent him though another acadamy. That's 2 police acadmies and hundreds of miles on the car. So sick of school. Now it's my turn to go to upward mobility for the RN program. From the things I am hearing from Kenia, I wouldnt even know B now. She's writting a book, got an online graphic design BA degree. long shot from the girl I knew. Just hope its as good as they make it sound on the web site.That's my depressed, black mood, negative thought having inner self. She's playing up a limited success, and really just sitting and playing on her computer while ignoring the kids. not that G and i could throw rocks and glass houses or computer monitors. We spend alot of time on the computer too. and our kids do sit in front of the electronic babysitter too much too.damn to be perfect, i fawking hate being so damned human and flawed.stop the world, i wanna get off now.
Death in the family. K. 33 years old and with 3 kids is gone. His wife, my husbands favorite cousin, is taking it really hard... go figure. SO we scrambled eggs, moved heaven and earth, moved mountains and then brought them to mohomid, to get G from Houston, TX to Kenia, AK, so he can go to the funeral.mean time, here at home, i cant stop crying. holding down the home front sucks. then my lovely mom has to call and start talking the the hurricain victims. Dont get the wrong, it's horrible and terrible whats going on, but shit, I can only process so much grief at time. Right now, this death is more personal and immediate to me. I'm cryig all the time, feeling guilty and lonely and just capital D depressed. This was so unexpected, none of us ever considered K to be in any danger. While we look for answers, there are none. The cause of death is unknown, the anchorage coraner couldnt find any signs of death and is awaiting a toxicicology report. IF he OD'ed on something, not only will B not get any of the measly 35k of insurance (hardly enough for 6 months) she'll be crushed. Anchorage cant get the reports back for a few weeks. (bullshit I say, the ER can get back lab results in 20 minutes where I work.)Trying not to call too much to G on the cell phone, I dont want to interupt him with the family too much. But gawd I wish I was there too. it still feels so unreal. How can he really be gone?fawk i didnt even really like him that much. but he was family and I didnt get to choose them, they accepted me. G brought me into the family, and they let me in. K and B were a big part of G and I dating and our early marriage. now I feel like I dont even know them anymore.we moved to TX to help care for my aging (and annoyoing) mom. They didnt like it, they were even hositle about it. So G got angry with B and hasnt talked to her before this for 4 years. Alot has happened in 4 years. I graduating nursing school and went to work. G graduated from 1 police accadamy, got hired on and then they sent him though another acadamy. That's 2 police acadmies and hundreds of miles on the car. So sick of school. Now it's my turn to go to upward mobility for the RN program. From the things I am hearing from Kenia, I wouldnt even know B now. She's writting a book, got an online graphic design BA degree. long shot from the girl I knew. Just hope its as good as they make it sound on the web site.That's my depressed, black mood, negative thought having inner self. She's playing up a limited success, and really just sitting and playing on her computer while ignoring the kids. not that G and i could throw rocks and glass houses or computer monitors. We spend alot of time on the computer too. and our kids do sit in front of the electronic babysitter too much too.damn to be perfect, i fawking hate being so damned human and flawed.stop the world, i wanna get off now.
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