stop the world, i want off --repost 9-1-2005

stop the world, i want off
Death in the family. K. 33 years old and with 3 kids is gone. His wife, my husbands favorite cousin, is taking it really hard... go figure. SO we scrambled eggs, moved heaven and earth, moved mountains and then brought them to mohomid, to get G from Houston, TX to Kenia, AK, so he can go to the funeral.mean time, here at home, i cant stop crying. holding down the home front sucks. then my lovely mom has to call and start talking the the hurricain victims. Dont get the wrong, it's horrible and terrible whats going on, but shit, I can only process so much grief at time. Right now, this death is more personal and immediate to me. I'm cryig all the time, feeling guilty and lonely and just capital D depressed. This was so unexpected, none of us ever considered K to be in any danger. While we look for answers, there are none. The cause of death is unknown, the anchorage coraner couldnt find any signs of death and is awaiting a toxicicology report. IF he OD'ed on something, not only will B not get any of the measly 35k of insurance (hardly enough for 6 months) she'll be crushed. Anchorage cant get the reports back for a few weeks. (bullshit I say, the ER can get back lab results in 20 minutes where I work.)Trying not to call too much to G on the cell phone, I dont want to interupt him with the family too much. But gawd I wish I was there too. it still feels so unreal. How can he really be gone?fawk i didnt even really like him that much. but he was family and I didnt get to choose them, they accepted me. G brought me into the family, and they let me in. K and B were a big part of G and I dating and our early marriage. now I feel like I dont even know them anymore.we moved to TX to help care for my aging (and annoyoing) mom. They didnt like it, they were even hositle about it. So G got angry with B and hasnt talked to her before this for 4 years. Alot has happened in 4 years. I graduating nursing school and went to work. G graduated from 1 police accadamy, got hired on and then they sent him though another acadamy. That's 2 police acadmies and hundreds of miles on the car. So sick of school. Now it's my turn to go to upward mobility for the RN program. From the things I am hearing from Kenia, I wouldnt even know B now. She's writting a book, got an online graphic design BA degree. long shot from the girl I knew. Just hope its as good as they make it sound on the web site.That's my depressed, black mood, negative thought having inner self. She's playing up a limited success, and really just sitting and playing on her computer while ignoring the kids. not that G and i could throw rocks and glass houses or computer monitors. We spend alot of time on the computer too. and our kids do sit in front of the electronic babysitter too much too.damn to be perfect, i fawking hate being so damned human and flawed.stop the world, i wanna get off now.