Echos - repost 9-3-05

Echos
its'o weird to read the online blogs of my family in Alaska. They are echoing things that I wrote about just a few days ago. The un-reality of it all, the more immediate pain of personal loss vs. public loss (Katrina), and the thoughts about Kevin. The memories and rememberances are so alike. It really hurts to read what they are feeling, what they are remembering and what they are going through, but also, I guess we all need it. I need to know what is going on with those left behind. I need to know how they feel and how they remember Kevin. I know G is not so great a convaying the emotional stuff or the details of the happenings. So I;ve been hanging on to Aunt B, Cousin B, and Cousin J's blogs for information. Been checking email and just waiting to hear word from the family.As the one unable to go to alaska for the funeral, I feel so outside and alone in my grief. I feel like I dont get to say my goodbyes to Kevin. and that damn hurts. He's gone. really gone. They already cremated him today and have already picked up his ashes. Next weekend they will take him out to they're favorite lake, hold a good ol' fashion keg party, irish wake for him and shatter the ashes. at the memorial service, they had posters with pictures, each family member collected up their favorites and made up poster boards for him. I have a picture that shows him, KC, and B, it was halloween. Kevin was in the hospital having surgery on his wrist. KC was about 2 1/2, dresses up as a nurse, and calling him "my kevin." He told one of the black nurses that she smelled good. (it was funny at the time, he didnt remember doing it, but we all loved it.) I wish I could have added that one and that story to the service. I miss him too.I went to work today and had a normal day. If any day in the hospital can be called normal. I laughed and smiled and ate with my co-workers and went on. Now I feel so bad....He was so young, and now he's gone and now B and kids have to go on alone. They have grandma and grandpa, and aunt J. But they have a hole in their family. Like stitch says, it's broken but still good.G leaves Alaska tonight. Seven hours in the air to Dallas, and then another hour to Houston, and 2 1/2 drive home. I work days tomorrow, should be in bed already, but will get to see G tomorrow night. Not sure if I want to share this blog with the family. I want a way to connect to them again. I miss them, but they seem so... distant, both phsyicall and emotionally from me now. Like I said. Outsider once again and alone. They have each other, they dont need me. I wish they at least acknowledged me. I hurt too. At times today, I thought, "yeah, I'm okay, no big." but fawk, then I read their blogs and just sit and cry. But I have to read the blogs... just have to. I want to be a part of it. He ment something to me to. How selfish of me... I know, They are going through more of a loss than I am. I should just shut up and try blend into the woodwork. Guess, I really shouldnt share this with them. I dont think I could stand the "fawk you." I got from B.She's already venting her anger at Kevin's "cunt of a birth mom." Really dont want her angry with me too. I know she needs somewhere to put her anger right now, I would blow up in her shoes, but I dont want to be her target. Been her target before, not pleasent.emotionally spent for now.