Having read over the blog of a fellow nurse, I decided it was time to voice some of my thoughts on what I do, and why I do it. http://mediblogopathy.blogspot.com/
Although hers is almost a complete opposite of my unit, this lady voiced it very well, and I encourage folks to check her out. Very insightfull. Her blog is linked in the title of this post.
I work in a Long Term Acute Care unit. LTAC for those familiar with it. We take care of the sickest of the sick that no longer qualify for ICU. My particular unit has the highest acuity of all of the simillar units in our system. We get the folks that measure hospital stays in weeks instead of days. Long term venalator weaning, stage III and IV decube ulcers, multiple diagnosis management, long term IV antibiotics and sometimes those patients that have no other placement options, those are ours to have and protect, to serve and defend. We defend them against infection, against disease processes, against loneliness sometimes, against themselves sometimes, and we do the best job we can with the medical tools and information that we have.
Due to the critical nature of our patients, they usually only hire nurses with ICU experience. I managed to get in with cardiac telemetery experience and some impressive grades in nursing school. But out of the approximately 40 nurses that we have in our pool, only 4 are LVN's, myself included, so I am pretty blessed to be here.
So to get to the point, we see alot of death in our unit. Most of these patients are medically complex and have very little in the way of 'reserves' left by the time they get to us. Many of them have been chronically ill, in and out of treatment for years, or have such an acute illness it has drained the energy from them almost completely. Sometimes we have a miricle happen. The vent patient that we though would die in the first few nights that is finially weaned off, and weeks later walks out of our hosptial under his own power. Those are so rare and held so dear to my heart. More often it's the family of a critically ill loved one that just says a thank you for taking such good care of mom or dad, that's what touches my heart.
I like my unit because normally I actually do have time.... time to devote to making those extra special rounds, seeing to it that pt 304 gets the chocolate Boost because that's her favorite. Time to know the names of pt 314's kids, and what they all did/do for a living. Time to listen, and time to let them know that they are special and someone does care. Somedays they do far more for me, than I could possibly have the expertises to do for them. A smile here or a nod of the head there. That's my passion.
I remember a story that I heard once, I think it was in a sunday school class....
a man was walking along a beach in the early morning, walking between the tide lines. The beach was covered in thousands of star fish, and the man was steadily picking up a starfish at a time, and throwing them back into the water. A jogger passed by the man, and told him he was a fool, the sun would be up and kill all the remaining starfish in a few minutes. The man said, "I know that," and continued to rescue the starfish and throw them back into the ocean. The jogger shook his head and told the man, "what's it matter, you can't save all the starfish, they'll just die when the sun hits them." The man continues to pick up the little sea creatures and throw them back to safety. The jogger watches for a while, unable to stand it, he asks the man why. The man replies, "I can't save them all, but this one I can, and it matters to this one."
It matters to THIS one. That's a thought that goes through my head alot.
later all
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
Ack, call me a follower, 100 things about me
I've seen this type of list on every active blog I've been on. But it is such a great idea that I thought I'd try it.
1. Nursing is one of the ways I define who I am.
2. My favorite single digit number is 7.
3. I've been married twice, the first time around was a hugh mistake, but it led me to where I need to be and allowed me to learn about who I was and want I wanted from life and my partner, so my starter marriage had a purpose.
4. That first marriage was when I as 17, newly graduated from high school.
5. I spent 9 years living in Alaska before moving back to Texas to help take care of my elderly mother.
6. I have two children, and daughter born in 1996, and a son born in 1997. They are only one year and 17 days apart in age.
7. I met my husband of 13 years while living in Alaska.
8. I hate video games.
9. My son has PDD, Asperger's Syndrome form of autism. So I am a mom to a special needs child.
10. My daughter is incredible bright, in the high achiever program at school and wants to be a doctor when she grows up. I am incredible proud of her for just being the wonderful, happy, loving, generous, beautiful little girl that she is.
11. Said daughter plays softball, so I am a softball mom/taxi service.
12. My children are more important to me than the family I was born into.
13. I married at 17 the first time to get away from my birth family.
14. I graduated high school early, and then turned down scholarships in order to get married that first time.
15. I want to grow old with my current husband, he is my BEST friend as well as my lover and husband.
16. G, the hubby, talked me into marrying him, I didnt want to get married again. *smiles* His rationale was that his military VHA and BAQ pay would increase if I would agree to marry him instead of just living together.
17. I love my mother, but she is an angry, depressed, controlling, self asorbed bitch. Yet, I still seek her approval.
18. My husband hates my mother, and I often get stuck in between wishing to please my mom, and keeping peace with my husband. He resents her treatment of me.
19. I get along wonderfully with and love my mother-in-law and sister-in-law more than my birth family.
20. I enjoy woodworking and building things.
21. The first 'real' job I ever had was as a maid cleaning other peoples houses.
22. Following jobs includes, door to door vacuum cleaner sales, car sales, telemarketing and finially working in a hardware store.
23. Before Nursing, the hardware store was the job I enjoyed the most. On weekends I taught do it yourself classes and almost went into management for the store before decided to go to college.
24. I entered college after much encouragment from my husband to follow my childhood dream of being a nurse.
25. Currently I have over 100 college credit hours. But only a certificate of completion for the nursing program Licensed Vocational Nurse. LVN for short.
26. It took me over 8 years to earn that certificate because I was attending college part time, raising children, and working full time.
27. I earned every hour of my college time myself, no one gave it to me. And I am very proud of that. So no else has any claim to my accomplishment.
28. I have many hobbies that I dabble in, accumilate all the tools for, become very good at, and then lose interest in.
29. I've been a life long reader for as long as I can remember. I like to buy my books, and collect them, rather than just borrow them from the library. That way, I can re-read them anytime I get the urge.
30. I'm addicted to technology.
31. I carry a PDA at work so I can look up drugs and medical facts instantly when a family member or patient asks me a question.
32. I started smoking after I became a nurse. Sad, I know.
33. My husband hates that I smoke, and I hate that he doesnt wear a bullet proof vest.
34. I have two older brothers, and an older sister. 13 years older than me, 10 years older than me and 8 years older than me. I was an after thought. Almost like a second family for my parents.
35. My mother has been married mulitple times, and I am my dad's only biological child. He adopted my mothers other kids when they got married, so all her children would have the same last name. He has never treated any of us as less than his children.
36. My children are the only grandkids on my hubby's side, and two of the only three on my side of the family tree. They're spoiled rotten.
37. I miss my children's babyhood.
38. After our son was diagnosied as Autistic, my husband had a vesectomy, and I had my tubes tied, so we would not be having any more children. It wouldn't be fair to our son, or any other possible children, because the boy requires so much time, energy, money, attention, and patients.
39. Our daughter, the older child, gets short changed at times due to her brother's condition. She's very understanding and has grown to understand why as she has gotten older. I still feel guilty though.
40. My husband being a cop scares the snot out of me at times. He's stable, has provided our family with security, a good living, a nice house, nice cars, and plenty of his attention. But the fear of losing him, him personally, scares me more than losing everything else this family owns.
41. I miss Alaska.
42. I really miss Alaska. That's home to me. Even with all the cold and harsh conditions at times, it's home.
43. I hate southeast texas and all the ignorant, uneducated ideas I have to deal with here. Culture shock, because it's like being time warped back 20 years into the bad ol' days.
44. Stupidity should be fatal.
45. Because of stupidity, my husband will always have job security. People keep doing dumb things to get arrested for.
46. I love Reese's Peanut Butter cups.
47. I once gave up coffee for lent. The biggest single hardest lenten season I have endured since starting to observe the pratice.
48. I have a learning disability, Dyslexia.
49. I can type almost as fast as I can think, and I spell better on the computer than in hand writting.
50. I am a terrible speller.
51. I like to make handmade gifts at Christmas to give to family and close friends. It shows that I took the time to do something, rather than just spend money. More love involved, I think.
52. I am obsessive compulsive about alot of things.
53. I stil cry at emotional movies and TV programs.
54. I am currently taking a mixed martial arts / self defense class.
55. I hold an Advanced Cardiac Life Support certification. It means I get 50 cents more an hour to be lilable for peoples lives. Kinda scary that peoples lives are only worth 50 cents an hour.
56. I grauated nursing school Phi Theta Kappa. ((they think I'm smart, and I'm not about to let THEM find out the truth. muhhhhhhhh))
57. I have to work twice as hard as everyone else on academics, due to my dyslexia.
58. My brother with the over 140 IQ is essentially unemployed, alcoholic, pot-smoking, didnt finish high school, gave up this then 13 year old daughter for adoption, bum, and Mom still likes him the best. WTF?????
59. Hubby said if afore mentioned brother ever gets caught DUI, he's running him in and enjoying every minute of it. I told him 'Good.'
60. I like the band 'Bowling for Soup,' and got to see them in concert this last summer at the skate park in my home town.
61. My daughter got me interested in the band, I took her to the concert, Jared touched her hand, and she was insane about it for the next week. Their CD goes into the player inthe car every time we get in and go ANYWHERE. I'm getting tired of that CD. Wish they would release a new one. Have to wait two more months.
62. I like shopping on ebay.
63. I love the spider lillies that come up uncultivated in my yard every fall. I think they are beautiful. Wish I could get to grow IN the flower bed, instead of by the fence.
64. In Alaska, I had raspberry bushes and patunia's in my garden, here in Texas I have a wild rose bush, spider plant, wonderint jews, and cannas. All low maintance plants. I want a garden without all the work.
65. my favorite holiday is halloween.
66. I grew up baptist, but now attened Catholic church with my husband and children. Me, I believe that its all between me and God, the flavor is irrelavent.
67. I'm not an attend church every time the doors are open type of person, I feel my spirituallity is personal, but I do attend services when I can.
68. One of me favorite foods: Sliced Granny Smith Apples dipped in a mixture of peanut butter and honey. yummmmmmm.
69. Prolly my favorite double digit number 69, but not for why you think. It's in one of my identification numbers, makes it easy to remember.
70. I dont like math. I can do it, as long as it's not some complex algebraic formula that Einstine would cringe at, just hand me my PDA.
71. I play Runescape online. But not as often as some people in my house.
72. Managing money is hard for me. The more money I have, it seems like the worse I am. During those 'poorer' times the hubby and I have endured, I did better at holding the checking acount in check, than when we are making good money. Somebody explain that to me? Shouldnt it work the other way around?
73. I collect monopoly stuff. The different speical edition board games, coffee cups, kick-nacks, Johnny Lightening monopoly themed cars, and christmas orniments.
74. I also have the Hallmark Star Trek orniments going back to the orginal one in 1990 or 91. I had all of them expect the very first one, and then last year hubby paid large dollars for the first one for me as a christmas present. It was the most unexpected thing he's ever given me. I'd wanted it for years, but looked on with envy due to the price. ((there goes that money management thing again.))
75. I use to watch the orginal Star Trek TV show with my day. It was a bonding thing for us. I think that is where my love of technology stems from. Dad is a TV repair man, among other electronics, so gizmos and thingamagigs are in his blood. Guess some things breed true.
76. When doing laundry, I use a kitchen timer to help me keep up with when it is time to switch loads around. It takes approx one hour to wash or dry a load of laundry, and then about 15 minutes to fold or hang it up. Sooooo, for each load of laundry my family generates in a week, it takes 2 hours and 15 minutes to get it clean, dry, and back into dresser and closets. That's alot of man hours(....er....woman hours in this house) just so they can say, "Mom, I have nothing to wear."
77. My cell phone bill is more than my home phone, and even when at home, I'll pick up the cell to call people.
78. I hate homework and projects, but I put alot of work into and do it anyway.
79. After I get my RN, and am making the big bucks, I plan on have a tummy tuck and liposuction, or maybe even a complete body lift. So I can have my pre-baby body back.
80. One of my teenaged dreams was to get to go to Paris France. It's yet to happen, but maybe after the tummy tuck.... *smiles*
81. I want to send my parents on vaction to Haiwii before they get too old to enjoy it.
82. I also want to be able to buy a grave marker for G's father. I really wish I could have met the wonderful man that helped raise my hubby to be the man he is today.
83. I think time travel would be so cool, but only as a tourist. If you actually went back and changed things, like the TV and movies show, I think it would actually mess up more stuff than it fixed. a la "Butterfly Effect."
84. It's my opinion that it's silly to think that humans are the only intelligent life in the entire vast universe we live in... the other beings may even be smarter, they're avioding us aren't they?
85. Dishonest people really piss me off.
86. Being sick makes me grouchy and demanding.
87. I make a lousy patient when sick, and my hubby hates it, cause he's usually the one having to tend to me.
88. I tend to stress out about the future.
89. Most of the things I worry about always work out in the end, even if it takes what seems like forever to do so.
90. I like the taste of green tea.
91. My favorite Disney character is Tinker Bell.
92. After looking thru my closet, I discovered that I buy alot of gray colored clothing. Black seems too harsh, and I am so not a bright primary color person. My auto is also gray. Guess it just tends to blend into the background better. So I own alot of gray.
93. I love the sound of the rain, but I dislike thunder storms.
94. I like to sleep when it rains.
95. My favorite time for making love seems be around 2pm. The kids are at school, and if our schedules permit, we have both slept late, had a nice lunch and are feeling all warm, and cozy.
96. Normally I have a high sex drive. I like it, and I'm not ashamed of it.
97. I dislike the sound of my own voice recorded and played back. I think I always sound stupid.
98. I've been in three very bad auto accidents in my life. In two I could have easily died, but I was wearing my seat belt.
99. When I do die, I want my brain to go to Autism research, donate any organs or tissue that is usable to another human being, and the rest of my cast off shell can be cremated. Just sprinkle my ashes into the ocean.
100. I believe in God and I really do think that Jesus paid for all my sins. I dont however go around tring to cram my beliefs down other people's throats.
1. Nursing is one of the ways I define who I am.
2. My favorite single digit number is 7.
3. I've been married twice, the first time around was a hugh mistake, but it led me to where I need to be and allowed me to learn about who I was and want I wanted from life and my partner, so my starter marriage had a purpose.
4. That first marriage was when I as 17, newly graduated from high school.
5. I spent 9 years living in Alaska before moving back to Texas to help take care of my elderly mother.
6. I have two children, and daughter born in 1996, and a son born in 1997. They are only one year and 17 days apart in age.
7. I met my husband of 13 years while living in Alaska.
8. I hate video games.
9. My son has PDD, Asperger's Syndrome form of autism. So I am a mom to a special needs child.
10. My daughter is incredible bright, in the high achiever program at school and wants to be a doctor when she grows up. I am incredible proud of her for just being the wonderful, happy, loving, generous, beautiful little girl that she is.
11. Said daughter plays softball, so I am a softball mom/taxi service.
12. My children are more important to me than the family I was born into.
13. I married at 17 the first time to get away from my birth family.
14. I graduated high school early, and then turned down scholarships in order to get married that first time.
15. I want to grow old with my current husband, he is my BEST friend as well as my lover and husband.
16. G, the hubby, talked me into marrying him, I didnt want to get married again. *smiles* His rationale was that his military VHA and BAQ pay would increase if I would agree to marry him instead of just living together.
17. I love my mother, but she is an angry, depressed, controlling, self asorbed bitch. Yet, I still seek her approval.
18. My husband hates my mother, and I often get stuck in between wishing to please my mom, and keeping peace with my husband. He resents her treatment of me.
19. I get along wonderfully with and love my mother-in-law and sister-in-law more than my birth family.
20. I enjoy woodworking and building things.
21. The first 'real' job I ever had was as a maid cleaning other peoples houses.
22. Following jobs includes, door to door vacuum cleaner sales, car sales, telemarketing and finially working in a hardware store.
23. Before Nursing, the hardware store was the job I enjoyed the most. On weekends I taught do it yourself classes and almost went into management for the store before decided to go to college.
24. I entered college after much encouragment from my husband to follow my childhood dream of being a nurse.
25. Currently I have over 100 college credit hours. But only a certificate of completion for the nursing program Licensed Vocational Nurse. LVN for short.
26. It took me over 8 years to earn that certificate because I was attending college part time, raising children, and working full time.
27. I earned every hour of my college time myself, no one gave it to me. And I am very proud of that. So no else has any claim to my accomplishment.
28. I have many hobbies that I dabble in, accumilate all the tools for, become very good at, and then lose interest in.
29. I've been a life long reader for as long as I can remember. I like to buy my books, and collect them, rather than just borrow them from the library. That way, I can re-read them anytime I get the urge.
30. I'm addicted to technology.
31. I carry a PDA at work so I can look up drugs and medical facts instantly when a family member or patient asks me a question.
32. I started smoking after I became a nurse. Sad, I know.
33. My husband hates that I smoke, and I hate that he doesnt wear a bullet proof vest.
34. I have two older brothers, and an older sister. 13 years older than me, 10 years older than me and 8 years older than me. I was an after thought. Almost like a second family for my parents.
35. My mother has been married mulitple times, and I am my dad's only biological child. He adopted my mothers other kids when they got married, so all her children would have the same last name. He has never treated any of us as less than his children.
36. My children are the only grandkids on my hubby's side, and two of the only three on my side of the family tree. They're spoiled rotten.
37. I miss my children's babyhood.
38. After our son was diagnosied as Autistic, my husband had a vesectomy, and I had my tubes tied, so we would not be having any more children. It wouldn't be fair to our son, or any other possible children, because the boy requires so much time, energy, money, attention, and patients.
39. Our daughter, the older child, gets short changed at times due to her brother's condition. She's very understanding and has grown to understand why as she has gotten older. I still feel guilty though.
40. My husband being a cop scares the snot out of me at times. He's stable, has provided our family with security, a good living, a nice house, nice cars, and plenty of his attention. But the fear of losing him, him personally, scares me more than losing everything else this family owns.
41. I miss Alaska.
42. I really miss Alaska. That's home to me. Even with all the cold and harsh conditions at times, it's home.
43. I hate southeast texas and all the ignorant, uneducated ideas I have to deal with here. Culture shock, because it's like being time warped back 20 years into the bad ol' days.
44. Stupidity should be fatal.
45. Because of stupidity, my husband will always have job security. People keep doing dumb things to get arrested for.
46. I love Reese's Peanut Butter cups.
47. I once gave up coffee for lent. The biggest single hardest lenten season I have endured since starting to observe the pratice.
48. I have a learning disability, Dyslexia.
49. I can type almost as fast as I can think, and I spell better on the computer than in hand writting.
50. I am a terrible speller.
51. I like to make handmade gifts at Christmas to give to family and close friends. It shows that I took the time to do something, rather than just spend money. More love involved, I think.
52. I am obsessive compulsive about alot of things.
53. I stil cry at emotional movies and TV programs.
54. I am currently taking a mixed martial arts / self defense class.
55. I hold an Advanced Cardiac Life Support certification. It means I get 50 cents more an hour to be lilable for peoples lives. Kinda scary that peoples lives are only worth 50 cents an hour.
56. I grauated nursing school Phi Theta Kappa. ((they think I'm smart, and I'm not about to let THEM find out the truth. muhhhhhhhh))
57. I have to work twice as hard as everyone else on academics, due to my dyslexia.
58. My brother with the over 140 IQ is essentially unemployed, alcoholic, pot-smoking, didnt finish high school, gave up this then 13 year old daughter for adoption, bum, and Mom still likes him the best. WTF?????
59. Hubby said if afore mentioned brother ever gets caught DUI, he's running him in and enjoying every minute of it. I told him 'Good.'
60. I like the band 'Bowling for Soup,' and got to see them in concert this last summer at the skate park in my home town.
61. My daughter got me interested in the band, I took her to the concert, Jared touched her hand, and she was insane about it for the next week. Their CD goes into the player inthe car every time we get in and go ANYWHERE. I'm getting tired of that CD. Wish they would release a new one. Have to wait two more months.
62. I like shopping on ebay.
63. I love the spider lillies that come up uncultivated in my yard every fall. I think they are beautiful. Wish I could get to grow IN the flower bed, instead of by the fence.
64. In Alaska, I had raspberry bushes and patunia's in my garden, here in Texas I have a wild rose bush, spider plant, wonderint jews, and cannas. All low maintance plants. I want a garden without all the work.
65. my favorite holiday is halloween.
66. I grew up baptist, but now attened Catholic church with my husband and children. Me, I believe that its all between me and God, the flavor is irrelavent.
67. I'm not an attend church every time the doors are open type of person, I feel my spirituallity is personal, but I do attend services when I can.
68. One of me favorite foods: Sliced Granny Smith Apples dipped in a mixture of peanut butter and honey. yummmmmmm.
69. Prolly my favorite double digit number 69, but not for why you think. It's in one of my identification numbers, makes it easy to remember.
70. I dont like math. I can do it, as long as it's not some complex algebraic formula that Einstine would cringe at, just hand me my PDA.
71. I play Runescape online. But not as often as some people in my house.
72. Managing money is hard for me. The more money I have, it seems like the worse I am. During those 'poorer' times the hubby and I have endured, I did better at holding the checking acount in check, than when we are making good money. Somebody explain that to me? Shouldnt it work the other way around?
73. I collect monopoly stuff. The different speical edition board games, coffee cups, kick-nacks, Johnny Lightening monopoly themed cars, and christmas orniments.
74. I also have the Hallmark Star Trek orniments going back to the orginal one in 1990 or 91. I had all of them expect the very first one, and then last year hubby paid large dollars for the first one for me as a christmas present. It was the most unexpected thing he's ever given me. I'd wanted it for years, but looked on with envy due to the price. ((there goes that money management thing again.))
75. I use to watch the orginal Star Trek TV show with my day. It was a bonding thing for us. I think that is where my love of technology stems from. Dad is a TV repair man, among other electronics, so gizmos and thingamagigs are in his blood. Guess some things breed true.
76. When doing laundry, I use a kitchen timer to help me keep up with when it is time to switch loads around. It takes approx one hour to wash or dry a load of laundry, and then about 15 minutes to fold or hang it up. Sooooo, for each load of laundry my family generates in a week, it takes 2 hours and 15 minutes to get it clean, dry, and back into dresser and closets. That's alot of man hours(....er....woman hours in this house) just so they can say, "Mom, I have nothing to wear."
77. My cell phone bill is more than my home phone, and even when at home, I'll pick up the cell to call people.
78. I hate homework and projects, but I put alot of work into and do it anyway.
79. After I get my RN, and am making the big bucks, I plan on have a tummy tuck and liposuction, or maybe even a complete body lift. So I can have my pre-baby body back.
80. One of my teenaged dreams was to get to go to Paris France. It's yet to happen, but maybe after the tummy tuck.... *smiles*
81. I want to send my parents on vaction to Haiwii before they get too old to enjoy it.
82. I also want to be able to buy a grave marker for G's father. I really wish I could have met the wonderful man that helped raise my hubby to be the man he is today.
83. I think time travel would be so cool, but only as a tourist. If you actually went back and changed things, like the TV and movies show, I think it would actually mess up more stuff than it fixed. a la "Butterfly Effect."
84. It's my opinion that it's silly to think that humans are the only intelligent life in the entire vast universe we live in... the other beings may even be smarter, they're avioding us aren't they?
85. Dishonest people really piss me off.
86. Being sick makes me grouchy and demanding.
87. I make a lousy patient when sick, and my hubby hates it, cause he's usually the one having to tend to me.
88. I tend to stress out about the future.
89. Most of the things I worry about always work out in the end, even if it takes what seems like forever to do so.
90. I like the taste of green tea.
91. My favorite Disney character is Tinker Bell.
92. After looking thru my closet, I discovered that I buy alot of gray colored clothing. Black seems too harsh, and I am so not a bright primary color person. My auto is also gray. Guess it just tends to blend into the background better. So I own alot of gray.
93. I love the sound of the rain, but I dislike thunder storms.
94. I like to sleep when it rains.
95. My favorite time for making love seems be around 2pm. The kids are at school, and if our schedules permit, we have both slept late, had a nice lunch and are feeling all warm, and cozy.
96. Normally I have a high sex drive. I like it, and I'm not ashamed of it.
97. I dislike the sound of my own voice recorded and played back. I think I always sound stupid.
98. I've been in three very bad auto accidents in my life. In two I could have easily died, but I was wearing my seat belt.
99. When I do die, I want my brain to go to Autism research, donate any organs or tissue that is usable to another human being, and the rest of my cast off shell can be cremated. Just sprinkle my ashes into the ocean.
100. I believe in God and I really do think that Jesus paid for all my sins. I dont however go around tring to cram my beliefs down other people's throats.
Monday, September 11, 2006
Hahahaha Encouragement, just what I need
This is like, not funny.
Worked all weekend, 12 hour shifts with a heavy patient load all weekend. Some how, folks just equate nurse with waitress, maid, and slave labor. So much for the most trusted and respected profession, ranking higher in public opinion polls than even doctors. It's gotta be cause we smile and shovel garbage at the same time. In nursing school, we are almost brow beat into believing that doctors are gods, (little g as I am a monothesis), and patients are always right. Soooooo, you have sick, uncomfortable, cranky, many times mentally challenged, very old people cussing you out and trying to knock your socks off every time to enter the room telling you how much you abuse them, and that they are gonna kill you with a gun, JUST because you are hanging up and I.V. antibiotic. This is medication, going into al already exiting IV line, fluids already running on a pump, all I have to do is hook up an piggyback line. Lady cant even feel any difference in the medication and fluids. And she's threating me, and attempted to hit me! She's as confused as a june bug, and twice as annoying. Me, I have to smile, nod, and do my job, all the while holding back there desire to just throttle her. I really do love my work, it's fatigue talking.
Strength of will is NOT hauling off and hitting half the people that need it, and instead killing them with kindness while picturing them with a noose around their necks. And that is just the families. *psychotic laughter* sorry, three rather rough twelve hour shifts, on my feet, and very little sleep have me a bit...... neurotic? The night shift seemed like such a good idea when this started, but that was before, "ah, mom? I dont mean to wake you up, but...." insert any demand you like, they all start like that, and generally could well wait and be addressed when I climbed out of bed at 1630.
*Picture the mad tea party from Disney's Alice in Wonderland* New topic:
Sept 11.
After 5 years, and it still just makes my chest ache. It's like my mom's generation and the Kennedy assassination, I remember where I was and what I was doing when I heard what was happening to our country. I remember going out for lunch after getting home from my basic nursing class ( the CNA course) and walking into the pizza place, having all the TV's on the news and watching the planes hit. Over and over again, seeing the planes and pentagon and bellowing smoke. How it hit me in the center of my chest, 'we're not safe anywhere.' How I watched the New York Port Authority and fire fighters rushing into burning buildings, just thinking, "Oh my God. All those innocent people." G and I went to see the movie a few month back, about the plane that crashed in a field in PA. It chronicled most of the events of the morning and what happened on that last plane. Very powerful. Very important. Not for entertainment, but for remembering. I know there is another movie out now about the events of 9/11, but I really dont think I can see it yet. Maybe when it comes out on Dvd, but not now. I am going to try and keep the TV off today and possible the rest of this week.
Those things just still hurt so badly. It's so close to home for me. As a nurse and the wife of a police officer, had that happened in Texas, that could well have been us. We have flown on plenty of airplanes. All those innocent people. Just gone without any regard to the sanctity and preciousness of those lives. How could anyone be such a monster? How could anyone celebrate the loss of so many innocent people. People just going to work, just doing everyday things, just nose to the grind stone, pay the bills, and punch the clock day after day. Ordinary people killed in the thousands, just for being in America. No provocation, no hostile intent towards their unseen killers, just Joe Average Citizen doing a civilian job, unaware that some one was about to turn them into cannon fodder.
How can anyone be so evil? And why dont we have Osama yet? Like Saddam, he needs to be captured alive, that way is not a martyr. Put him on Trial to show just how much of a monster he is, and them put in jail, isolation, with no way to get his message out, like the American terrorist was censored. Silence him, without giving him his "30 virgins." What a crock. WHAT evil did the 30 virgins do to be forced to endure his ass for all eternity?
well, enough of a rant, time for some sleep.
Worked all weekend, 12 hour shifts with a heavy patient load all weekend. Some how, folks just equate nurse with waitress, maid, and slave labor. So much for the most trusted and respected profession, ranking higher in public opinion polls than even doctors. It's gotta be cause we smile and shovel garbage at the same time. In nursing school, we are almost brow beat into believing that doctors are gods, (little g as I am a monothesis), and patients are always right. Soooooo, you have sick, uncomfortable, cranky, many times mentally challenged, very old people cussing you out and trying to knock your socks off every time to enter the room telling you how much you abuse them, and that they are gonna kill you with a gun, JUST because you are hanging up and I.V. antibiotic. This is medication, going into al already exiting IV line, fluids already running on a pump, all I have to do is hook up an piggyback line. Lady cant even feel any difference in the medication and fluids. And she's threating me, and attempted to hit me! She's as confused as a june bug, and twice as annoying. Me, I have to smile, nod, and do my job, all the while holding back there desire to just throttle her. I really do love my work, it's fatigue talking.
Strength of will is NOT hauling off and hitting half the people that need it, and instead killing them with kindness while picturing them with a noose around their necks. And that is just the families. *psychotic laughter* sorry, three rather rough twelve hour shifts, on my feet, and very little sleep have me a bit...... neurotic? The night shift seemed like such a good idea when this started, but that was before, "ah, mom? I dont mean to wake you up, but...." insert any demand you like, they all start like that, and generally could well wait and be addressed when I climbed out of bed at 1630.
*Picture the mad tea party from Disney's Alice in Wonderland* New topic:
Sept 11.
After 5 years, and it still just makes my chest ache. It's like my mom's generation and the Kennedy assassination, I remember where I was and what I was doing when I heard what was happening to our country. I remember going out for lunch after getting home from my basic nursing class ( the CNA course) and walking into the pizza place, having all the TV's on the news and watching the planes hit. Over and over again, seeing the planes and pentagon and bellowing smoke. How it hit me in the center of my chest, 'we're not safe anywhere.' How I watched the New York Port Authority and fire fighters rushing into burning buildings, just thinking, "Oh my God. All those innocent people." G and I went to see the movie a few month back, about the plane that crashed in a field in PA. It chronicled most of the events of the morning and what happened on that last plane. Very powerful. Very important. Not for entertainment, but for remembering. I know there is another movie out now about the events of 9/11, but I really dont think I can see it yet. Maybe when it comes out on Dvd, but not now. I am going to try and keep the TV off today and possible the rest of this week.
Those things just still hurt so badly. It's so close to home for me. As a nurse and the wife of a police officer, had that happened in Texas, that could well have been us. We have flown on plenty of airplanes. All those innocent people. Just gone without any regard to the sanctity and preciousness of those lives. How could anyone be such a monster? How could anyone celebrate the loss of so many innocent people. People just going to work, just doing everyday things, just nose to the grind stone, pay the bills, and punch the clock day after day. Ordinary people killed in the thousands, just for being in America. No provocation, no hostile intent towards their unseen killers, just Joe Average Citizen doing a civilian job, unaware that some one was about to turn them into cannon fodder.
How can anyone be so evil? And why dont we have Osama yet? Like Saddam, he needs to be captured alive, that way is not a martyr. Put him on Trial to show just how much of a monster he is, and them put in jail, isolation, with no way to get his message out, like the American terrorist was censored. Silence him, without giving him his "30 virgins." What a crock. WHAT evil did the 30 virgins do to be forced to endure his ass for all eternity?
well, enough of a rant, time for some sleep.
Sunday, September 03, 2006
Life is soooo unfair
So I had this great post written up...and the freaking computer ate it.
Anyway, to try and recreate it. I was ranting on things. Katrine and Rita. Government programs, and general social commentary. My job and school. The kids, husband and friends. Gone, poof, lost to the cyber gawds.
Anyway.... some of the highlights.
Several years ago, while trying to get my son's SSI renewed. I had recently graduated from nursing school, and my husband was working at one of the correctional compounds. We went in to provide our yearly documentation. Yes our son was still Autistic, yes he still needed special medical and psychological services. Yes our insurance still did not cover it, and finally, this is how much money we make, just peek into our private financial matters by coping our tax returns. We made $32 too much to continue to qualify for help with our son. He will be autistic for his entire life, and he will need special accommodations for his entire life. BUT because we both worked, and both were trying to meet the needs of our household. We didn't qualify for government help with him. The lady taking our information has the nerve to turn to me, and say if I would divorce my husband, and reapply, we would qualify for a full gambit of services. WTF??? Then she says that as long as we didn't mention that hubby lived at home, nothing else would really have to change. Just our legal status as married. Talk about a marriage penalty. Some people might go ahead and take that road, but I feel like that is wrong and unethical. So we just pay out of pocket for the things he needs. Let me tell ya, it ant cheap.
So fast forward a few years. Here we are hearing all week about the anniversary of Katrina. I live at hurricane Rita ground zero. So my sympathy went out the door about 11 months ago. About the time we started trying to rebuild our lives and faces wall after wall, because the folks from the Big Easy, had abused the help given to them. So the citizens of Texas and southwest LA, pay the price for the abuse. WE just rolled up our collective sleeves, broke out the chain saws, put on some grubby clothes, tolerated sweltering heat, and pulled ourselves up by the boot straps. Meanwhile the new oleans folks are out, living on luxury cruise ships, getting government sponsored tattoos, more aid and charity than you can shake a stick at, and lapping it up, standing around with hands out stretched demanding more of my tax dollars for free. WTF??? My family and I did get the living expenses 2 grand, but that was it.... And it took all of that to just compensate for being forcible exiled from home for three weeks, with little more than the clothes on our backs. FEMA, did not impress me, where is my flat screen TV? or my new hud house? or my celebrity star studded aid concert? Most folks may not know it, but the Katrina and Rita funds are totally separate. One does not cover expenses for the other. And here is the real kicker. Those that evacuated from New Oleans and came here.... They got benefits from BOTH!!!!! *smacking head on wall* How did that come about again?
Okay switching gears. The house is finally "The Banks", and in bout 15 -20 years ours. I got my but in gear and am currently taking the last two classes required for the upward mobility nursing program. So, God willing, next June I can start the program. After talking to my sister-in-law this afternoon, I think we will be sending the kids to spend next summer in Alaska with the family there. It will give the family time to see the kids, the kids time to really get to know the whole family there, and give me time to concentrate on school. So kinda a two birds for one stone thing.
Let's see..... There was more I really wanted to go over, but just haven't remembered yet. I do plan on trying to update. Just a matter of finding a few spare moments here and there. Time is a very precious commodity around this household.
Oh yeah. Martial Arts class. Started that this last June. Was looking for something for the boy child to get involved in as an activity. Well, cant have just one kid involved and not the other. So then the hubby decided that he wanted to go as well. Would be good training to help him out in the field. As a cop, any advantage is a good one. Then they all turn to me with questioning eyes and bullied me into it. So now the whole family is taking classes. Not bad really. It is something we can do together. The kids class is first, followed by the adults class. Four nights a week. The hubby, the daughter, and myself have now achieved our first belt. Yellow. The boy has his yellow strip, possible to get his belt at the next rank test. We are taking a mixed martial arts, self defense flavor of karate. Little of this and that thrown in for better on the street usage.
This is not some cookie cutter, money making, never helpful in real life school. He's not a francaise, its a private studio with a 5th degree karate black belt as instructor/owner. He also works at the county wide jail...Hence how G knows the guy. They bump into each other when G arrests people and had to bring them in. Despite to popular belief, we really do have a full jail, not just a two cell Mayberry drunk tank.
yes yes now I remember... the very peeving me off, munched post. I was complaining about never having time.
The girl child has softball (fall ball, all tournament play) practice twice a week, with games on the weekends. As mentioned before martial arts four nights a week. My school all day on Wednesday. My working every weekend, and G's weird ass, flip flop never can remember it so I have to write it down, work schedule. Can you see where this might not add up? Trust me it, don't. The girl child misses karate twice a week currently, and I end up missing all of her softball. The neighbor ends up taking her at least once a week. His daughter and ours are best friends, and they are never far apart if possible. Anyway, the neighbor also happens to be one of G's best friends in the whole world. Or as G says, his beeiatch. (like bitch, but a kinda ghetto pronunciation.)
So that's it for now. I have learned however to start saving my posts as drafts frequently while working on them.
Anyway, to try and recreate it. I was ranting on things. Katrine and Rita. Government programs, and general social commentary. My job and school. The kids, husband and friends. Gone, poof, lost to the cyber gawds.
Anyway.... some of the highlights.
Several years ago, while trying to get my son's SSI renewed. I had recently graduated from nursing school, and my husband was working at one of the correctional compounds. We went in to provide our yearly documentation. Yes our son was still Autistic, yes he still needed special medical and psychological services. Yes our insurance still did not cover it, and finally, this is how much money we make, just peek into our private financial matters by coping our tax returns. We made $32 too much to continue to qualify for help with our son. He will be autistic for his entire life, and he will need special accommodations for his entire life. BUT because we both worked, and both were trying to meet the needs of our household. We didn't qualify for government help with him. The lady taking our information has the nerve to turn to me, and say if I would divorce my husband, and reapply, we would qualify for a full gambit of services. WTF??? Then she says that as long as we didn't mention that hubby lived at home, nothing else would really have to change. Just our legal status as married. Talk about a marriage penalty. Some people might go ahead and take that road, but I feel like that is wrong and unethical. So we just pay out of pocket for the things he needs. Let me tell ya, it ant cheap.
So fast forward a few years. Here we are hearing all week about the anniversary of Katrina. I live at hurricane Rita ground zero. So my sympathy went out the door about 11 months ago. About the time we started trying to rebuild our lives and faces wall after wall, because the folks from the Big Easy, had abused the help given to them. So the citizens of Texas and southwest LA, pay the price for the abuse. WE just rolled up our collective sleeves, broke out the chain saws, put on some grubby clothes, tolerated sweltering heat, and pulled ourselves up by the boot straps. Meanwhile the new oleans folks are out, living on luxury cruise ships, getting government sponsored tattoos, more aid and charity than you can shake a stick at, and lapping it up, standing around with hands out stretched demanding more of my tax dollars for free. WTF??? My family and I did get the living expenses 2 grand, but that was it.... And it took all of that to just compensate for being forcible exiled from home for three weeks, with little more than the clothes on our backs. FEMA, did not impress me, where is my flat screen TV? or my new hud house? or my celebrity star studded aid concert? Most folks may not know it, but the Katrina and Rita funds are totally separate. One does not cover expenses for the other. And here is the real kicker. Those that evacuated from New Oleans and came here.... They got benefits from BOTH!!!!! *smacking head on wall* How did that come about again?
Okay switching gears. The house is finally "The Banks", and in bout 15 -20 years ours. I got my but in gear and am currently taking the last two classes required for the upward mobility nursing program. So, God willing, next June I can start the program. After talking to my sister-in-law this afternoon, I think we will be sending the kids to spend next summer in Alaska with the family there. It will give the family time to see the kids, the kids time to really get to know the whole family there, and give me time to concentrate on school. So kinda a two birds for one stone thing.
Let's see..... There was more I really wanted to go over, but just haven't remembered yet. I do plan on trying to update. Just a matter of finding a few spare moments here and there. Time is a very precious commodity around this household.
Oh yeah. Martial Arts class. Started that this last June. Was looking for something for the boy child to get involved in as an activity. Well, cant have just one kid involved and not the other. So then the hubby decided that he wanted to go as well. Would be good training to help him out in the field. As a cop, any advantage is a good one. Then they all turn to me with questioning eyes and bullied me into it. So now the whole family is taking classes. Not bad really. It is something we can do together. The kids class is first, followed by the adults class. Four nights a week. The hubby, the daughter, and myself have now achieved our first belt. Yellow. The boy has his yellow strip, possible to get his belt at the next rank test. We are taking a mixed martial arts, self defense flavor of karate. Little of this and that thrown in for better on the street usage.
This is not some cookie cutter, money making, never helpful in real life school. He's not a francaise, its a private studio with a 5th degree karate black belt as instructor/owner. He also works at the county wide jail...Hence how G knows the guy. They bump into each other when G arrests people and had to bring them in. Despite to popular belief, we really do have a full jail, not just a two cell Mayberry drunk tank.
yes yes now I remember... the very peeving me off, munched post. I was complaining about never having time.
The girl child has softball (fall ball, all tournament play) practice twice a week, with games on the weekends. As mentioned before martial arts four nights a week. My school all day on Wednesday. My working every weekend, and G's weird ass, flip flop never can remember it so I have to write it down, work schedule. Can you see where this might not add up? Trust me it, don't. The girl child misses karate twice a week currently, and I end up missing all of her softball. The neighbor ends up taking her at least once a week. His daughter and ours are best friends, and they are never far apart if possible. Anyway, the neighbor also happens to be one of G's best friends in the whole world. Or as G says, his beeiatch. (like bitch, but a kinda ghetto pronunciation.)
So that's it for now. I have learned however to start saving my posts as drafts frequently while working on them.
Friday, June 09, 2006
Hell week
What a week.
Last saturday, went to Target to get a "magic bullet blender" KC has been asking for one since before last christmas. So we go, at the check out, Gary is pitching such a bitch at me, I walked off without my Visa debit card. Didnt realize it until late that night. Had to work Sunday, so didnt call it in. Monday rolls around, and all this charges start rolling into my bank account. WTF!!!!!
Someone picked up my card and had a hell of a party on my dime. About one grand of a party. Crap, so monday afternoon was taken up with filing police reports and bank reports, and running all over creation to try and stop the hemraging bank account.
How do you spend $175.00 on crawfish? I mean, gezzzzzzz, and then 200.00 on grocies? Must be one big crawfish boil, beer drinking party.
On top of this I am stressing over this microbiology class. The summer session sounded like such a good idea at the time. Get it over with quick. Yeah right. Make the death quick and painless. yeah riiiight.
Finally got ahold of Elaine about writting me a refernce for the upward mobilty program. It will next summer before I can start it, and a year to complete the program. So TWO freaking years till I have that every elusive Real Nurse.
Then on top of money troubles, I get cancelled from work today. I cant afford to keep getting cancelled. This is gonna start some seriuos pinch the pocketbook. Just as the mortgage sitsuation is about to resolve itself.
Trey's teeth --oral surgery unknown
my teeth -- again, oral surgery 3grand
KC glasses -- couple hundred
Trey glassess -- couple hundred
Gary glassess -- again couple hundred
me glassess -- yeah
Trees and fences of house
Old medical bills paid off
Outstanding debts to be paid off --- tired of making payments.
some sort of savings????
Retirement funds????
House remodel -- pay for as we go. Bigger stuff have to save up for.
Last saturday, went to Target to get a "magic bullet blender" KC has been asking for one since before last christmas. So we go, at the check out, Gary is pitching such a bitch at me, I walked off without my Visa debit card. Didnt realize it until late that night. Had to work Sunday, so didnt call it in. Monday rolls around, and all this charges start rolling into my bank account. WTF!!!!!
Someone picked up my card and had a hell of a party on my dime. About one grand of a party. Crap, so monday afternoon was taken up with filing police reports and bank reports, and running all over creation to try and stop the hemraging bank account.
How do you spend $175.00 on crawfish? I mean, gezzzzzzz, and then 200.00 on grocies? Must be one big crawfish boil, beer drinking party.
On top of this I am stressing over this microbiology class. The summer session sounded like such a good idea at the time. Get it over with quick. Yeah right. Make the death quick and painless. yeah riiiight.
Finally got ahold of Elaine about writting me a refernce for the upward mobilty program. It will next summer before I can start it, and a year to complete the program. So TWO freaking years till I have that every elusive Real Nurse.
Then on top of money troubles, I get cancelled from work today. I cant afford to keep getting cancelled. This is gonna start some seriuos pinch the pocketbook. Just as the mortgage sitsuation is about to resolve itself.
Trey's teeth --oral surgery unknown
my teeth -- again, oral surgery 3grand
KC glasses -- couple hundred
Trey glassess -- couple hundred
Gary glassess -- again couple hundred
me glassess -- yeah
Trees and fences of house
Old medical bills paid off
Outstanding debts to be paid off --- tired of making payments.
some sort of savings????
Retirement funds????
House remodel -- pay for as we go. Bigger stuff have to save up for.
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
Rita Aftermath
short review:
G gets home from AK, I was working extra hours to help pay for that trip. Next thing ya know, we are getting ready to evac d/t hurricane RITA. What a bitch. The news and local athorities were saying pack for 3 days. What a freaking joke. Handed kids off to my parents. After 4 days of 12+ hour shifts, I got home in time to pack up my importance documents, pictures, sentimental items of ulmate value, and computers with all my records in it. Had signed up to help the hospital get the pts out. After about a 3 hour nap, I get a frantic call asking how fast I can get to work. Aparently the other nurses bailed out on our patients. Lazy assed, gold digging, self centered bitches. So I went. Those patients were helpless, they had to choices, they were defensless. They needed me.
I went with the patients up to Shreveport, LA. Rode the ambulances with them. The nightmare ensued. 2 weeks of living onthe unit with the patients, 24-7. Then a week at a rent house just to get away from the hospital. My parents came to Shreveport with the kids and my older brother. They stayed inthe hospital with me. We had no where else to shelter them. All hotels were full, all rent houses were full. The one we got found us. A school chum of Dad's, that he had not seen in 45 years, found out about us. "Cozy" happened to live in Shreveport and is loaded with $$$$. He had a rent house that he let us have for free. So, unknowing how long we would be there, we moved into the house. Air matteress, and plastic chairs were the order of the day. The kids in two diffrent schools, with bussing problems.
Most of the folks in LA were nice to us, all of the Promise staff that went. Out of approx 70 employees, only 7 of us went with the pts. How cheesey is that. Now that I am removed from the immediate stress of the situtation I can vent.
After a week in the rent house, I'd had it, it was time to go home. So the parents, kids, brother and I loaded up and left. Cozy's house became home to some of the remaining Promise employees. That was really great of him. They could now relax and get out of the motels and stuff.
That first week in LA I worked 160 hours. it was almost more than any human should be asked to do. The LA hospital though we were providing all the staff, we thought they were.... so we get stuck out alot of the time. The company gave us bounuses, but at that point it was not about money any longer.. it was about endurance. It was about doing the right thing.
We did get out with the kids a few times. Went to the Red River Arts Revel, and Sci-Port. They had a blast there, got to watch 3 day old allagators being fed minows. really cool that. Took Older brother to a car museam. That was cool and I got some pictures.
Mom tried to buy everything in Shreveport Wal-Mart and Dollars stores so we would have to drag it back home. She just dont listen or care, guess retail therapy is the only help she'll ever seek for her psycotic behavior.
Now we are home. Getting things cleaned up. We need repairs, but it's gonna take awhile. The mortgage thing is on terminal hold now. The repairs have to be completed and another appraisal done before we can move forward on that. Maybe sometime next year we will actually owe the bank, instead of W, for this house.
The tree removal was done mostly by older brother, it took about 15 hours of moving debris, and bout 5 hours of cutting with chainsaw. We lost alot of trees, all our fences, the shed, some windows, the car port, some roof damage, and just general mess.
After a week of steady work it's actually starting to look like home again.
THAT'S why I havent posted in about two months.
G gets home from AK, I was working extra hours to help pay for that trip. Next thing ya know, we are getting ready to evac d/t hurricane RITA. What a bitch. The news and local athorities were saying pack for 3 days. What a freaking joke. Handed kids off to my parents. After 4 days of 12+ hour shifts, I got home in time to pack up my importance documents, pictures, sentimental items of ulmate value, and computers with all my records in it. Had signed up to help the hospital get the pts out. After about a 3 hour nap, I get a frantic call asking how fast I can get to work. Aparently the other nurses bailed out on our patients. Lazy assed, gold digging, self centered bitches. So I went. Those patients were helpless, they had to choices, they were defensless. They needed me.
I went with the patients up to Shreveport, LA. Rode the ambulances with them. The nightmare ensued. 2 weeks of living onthe unit with the patients, 24-7. Then a week at a rent house just to get away from the hospital. My parents came to Shreveport with the kids and my older brother. They stayed inthe hospital with me. We had no where else to shelter them. All hotels were full, all rent houses were full. The one we got found us. A school chum of Dad's, that he had not seen in 45 years, found out about us. "Cozy" happened to live in Shreveport and is loaded with $$$$. He had a rent house that he let us have for free. So, unknowing how long we would be there, we moved into the house. Air matteress, and plastic chairs were the order of the day. The kids in two diffrent schools, with bussing problems.
Most of the folks in LA were nice to us, all of the Promise staff that went. Out of approx 70 employees, only 7 of us went with the pts. How cheesey is that. Now that I am removed from the immediate stress of the situtation I can vent.
After a week in the rent house, I'd had it, it was time to go home. So the parents, kids, brother and I loaded up and left. Cozy's house became home to some of the remaining Promise employees. That was really great of him. They could now relax and get out of the motels and stuff.
That first week in LA I worked 160 hours. it was almost more than any human should be asked to do. The LA hospital though we were providing all the staff, we thought they were.... so we get stuck out alot of the time. The company gave us bounuses, but at that point it was not about money any longer.. it was about endurance. It was about doing the right thing.
We did get out with the kids a few times. Went to the Red River Arts Revel, and Sci-Port. They had a blast there, got to watch 3 day old allagators being fed minows. really cool that. Took Older brother to a car museam. That was cool and I got some pictures.
Mom tried to buy everything in Shreveport Wal-Mart and Dollars stores so we would have to drag it back home. She just dont listen or care, guess retail therapy is the only help she'll ever seek for her psycotic behavior.
Now we are home. Getting things cleaned up. We need repairs, but it's gonna take awhile. The mortgage thing is on terminal hold now. The repairs have to be completed and another appraisal done before we can move forward on that. Maybe sometime next year we will actually owe the bank, instead of W, for this house.
The tree removal was done mostly by older brother, it took about 15 hours of moving debris, and bout 5 hours of cutting with chainsaw. We lost alot of trees, all our fences, the shed, some windows, the car port, some roof damage, and just general mess.
After a week of steady work it's actually starting to look like home again.
THAT'S why I havent posted in about two months.
Echos - repost 9-3-05
Echos
its'o weird to read the online blogs of my family in Alaska. They are echoing things that I wrote about just a few days ago. The un-reality of it all, the more immediate pain of personal loss vs. public loss (Katrina), and the thoughts about Kevin. The memories and rememberances are so alike. It really hurts to read what they are feeling, what they are remembering and what they are going through, but also, I guess we all need it. I need to know what is going on with those left behind. I need to know how they feel and how they remember Kevin. I know G is not so great a convaying the emotional stuff or the details of the happenings. So I;ve been hanging on to Aunt B, Cousin B, and Cousin J's blogs for information. Been checking email and just waiting to hear word from the family.As the one unable to go to alaska for the funeral, I feel so outside and alone in my grief. I feel like I dont get to say my goodbyes to Kevin. and that damn hurts. He's gone. really gone. They already cremated him today and have already picked up his ashes. Next weekend they will take him out to they're favorite lake, hold a good ol' fashion keg party, irish wake for him and shatter the ashes. at the memorial service, they had posters with pictures, each family member collected up their favorites and made up poster boards for him. I have a picture that shows him, KC, and B, it was halloween. Kevin was in the hospital having surgery on his wrist. KC was about 2 1/2, dresses up as a nurse, and calling him "my kevin." He told one of the black nurses that she smelled good. (it was funny at the time, he didnt remember doing it, but we all loved it.) I wish I could have added that one and that story to the service. I miss him too.I went to work today and had a normal day. If any day in the hospital can be called normal. I laughed and smiled and ate with my co-workers and went on. Now I feel so bad....He was so young, and now he's gone and now B and kids have to go on alone. They have grandma and grandpa, and aunt J. But they have a hole in their family. Like stitch says, it's broken but still good.G leaves Alaska tonight. Seven hours in the air to Dallas, and then another hour to Houston, and 2 1/2 drive home. I work days tomorrow, should be in bed already, but will get to see G tomorrow night. Not sure if I want to share this blog with the family. I want a way to connect to them again. I miss them, but they seem so... distant, both phsyicall and emotionally from me now. Like I said. Outsider once again and alone. They have each other, they dont need me. I wish they at least acknowledged me. I hurt too. At times today, I thought, "yeah, I'm okay, no big." but fawk, then I read their blogs and just sit and cry. But I have to read the blogs... just have to. I want to be a part of it. He ment something to me to. How selfish of me... I know, They are going through more of a loss than I am. I should just shut up and try blend into the woodwork. Guess, I really shouldnt share this with them. I dont think I could stand the "fawk you." I got from B.She's already venting her anger at Kevin's "cunt of a birth mom." Really dont want her angry with me too. I know she needs somewhere to put her anger right now, I would blow up in her shoes, but I dont want to be her target. Been her target before, not pleasent.emotionally spent for now.
its'o weird to read the online blogs of my family in Alaska. They are echoing things that I wrote about just a few days ago. The un-reality of it all, the more immediate pain of personal loss vs. public loss (Katrina), and the thoughts about Kevin. The memories and rememberances are so alike. It really hurts to read what they are feeling, what they are remembering and what they are going through, but also, I guess we all need it. I need to know what is going on with those left behind. I need to know how they feel and how they remember Kevin. I know G is not so great a convaying the emotional stuff or the details of the happenings. So I;ve been hanging on to Aunt B, Cousin B, and Cousin J's blogs for information. Been checking email and just waiting to hear word from the family.As the one unable to go to alaska for the funeral, I feel so outside and alone in my grief. I feel like I dont get to say my goodbyes to Kevin. and that damn hurts. He's gone. really gone. They already cremated him today and have already picked up his ashes. Next weekend they will take him out to they're favorite lake, hold a good ol' fashion keg party, irish wake for him and shatter the ashes. at the memorial service, they had posters with pictures, each family member collected up their favorites and made up poster boards for him. I have a picture that shows him, KC, and B, it was halloween. Kevin was in the hospital having surgery on his wrist. KC was about 2 1/2, dresses up as a nurse, and calling him "my kevin." He told one of the black nurses that she smelled good. (it was funny at the time, he didnt remember doing it, but we all loved it.) I wish I could have added that one and that story to the service. I miss him too.I went to work today and had a normal day. If any day in the hospital can be called normal. I laughed and smiled and ate with my co-workers and went on. Now I feel so bad....He was so young, and now he's gone and now B and kids have to go on alone. They have grandma and grandpa, and aunt J. But they have a hole in their family. Like stitch says, it's broken but still good.G leaves Alaska tonight. Seven hours in the air to Dallas, and then another hour to Houston, and 2 1/2 drive home. I work days tomorrow, should be in bed already, but will get to see G tomorrow night. Not sure if I want to share this blog with the family. I want a way to connect to them again. I miss them, but they seem so... distant, both phsyicall and emotionally from me now. Like I said. Outsider once again and alone. They have each other, they dont need me. I wish they at least acknowledged me. I hurt too. At times today, I thought, "yeah, I'm okay, no big." but fawk, then I read their blogs and just sit and cry. But I have to read the blogs... just have to. I want to be a part of it. He ment something to me to. How selfish of me... I know, They are going through more of a loss than I am. I should just shut up and try blend into the woodwork. Guess, I really shouldnt share this with them. I dont think I could stand the "fawk you." I got from B.She's already venting her anger at Kevin's "cunt of a birth mom." Really dont want her angry with me too. I know she needs somewhere to put her anger right now, I would blow up in her shoes, but I dont want to be her target. Been her target before, not pleasent.emotionally spent for now.
Where do ya get the money? -repost 9-2-05
Where do ya get the money?
The house paperwork hit yet another snag yesterday. Seems like the appraisial we had done already will not transfer to the new mortgage company. ARG, now we have to pay for another one. 350.00 down the drain for nothing. and the new mortgage company wants the contracts re-written on the selling. Another 100.00 bucks. On top of that, the closing is now going to cost about twice what we has planned for. How the fawk are we going to come up with double the money we already have saved?G, in AK with the family for the funeral, has been difficult to get ahold of. Not to mention his less than satisfactory way of convaying information and messages to/from the family to home. Can I sign him up for some major sensativity training.... hmmmm, wonder if I could get the chief of police to make it a manditory training for him and all his co-workers? For someone that makes a living paying attention to details, he sure does a lousy job of it at times. Guess you dont have to write a court ready report to the wife and family.frustration is high.
The house paperwork hit yet another snag yesterday. Seems like the appraisial we had done already will not transfer to the new mortgage company. ARG, now we have to pay for another one. 350.00 down the drain for nothing. and the new mortgage company wants the contracts re-written on the selling. Another 100.00 bucks. On top of that, the closing is now going to cost about twice what we has planned for. How the fawk are we going to come up with double the money we already have saved?G, in AK with the family for the funeral, has been difficult to get ahold of. Not to mention his less than satisfactory way of convaying information and messages to/from the family to home. Can I sign him up for some major sensativity training.... hmmmm, wonder if I could get the chief of police to make it a manditory training for him and all his co-workers? For someone that makes a living paying attention to details, he sure does a lousy job of it at times. Guess you dont have to write a court ready report to the wife and family.frustration is high.
more random thoughts - repost 9-1-05
more random thoughts
this is just so unreal to me. I went outside and just looked at my garden. one lone rosebush, a wandering jew, spider plant, cannas, one hibiscus, and a lot of weeds. But I sat and looked at it for a long time. I've been meaning to do some weeding and tending, but it's been so dang hot outside. 100+ lately. As I was sitting there, a passing thunder storm blow up and dropped some rain on us. just sat there and listened to the thunder. It only lasted about half an hour and blew itself out. But I been doing alot of thinkin, alot of remembering. How funny to be in the early 30's and be in this spot.We've been working on the getting the mortgage paperwork on the house done. We've lived here 5 years, renting to own, but now W is going thur a divorce, and we need the title in our names before the soon to be ex-wife gets her claws into our house. This process has been going on since april, and has hit several major snags here and there, but we maybe finial in the home stretch.
this is just so unreal to me. I went outside and just looked at my garden. one lone rosebush, a wandering jew, spider plant, cannas, one hibiscus, and a lot of weeds. But I sat and looked at it for a long time. I've been meaning to do some weeding and tending, but it's been so dang hot outside. 100+ lately. As I was sitting there, a passing thunder storm blow up and dropped some rain on us. just sat there and listened to the thunder. It only lasted about half an hour and blew itself out. But I been doing alot of thinkin, alot of remembering. How funny to be in the early 30's and be in this spot.We've been working on the getting the mortgage paperwork on the house done. We've lived here 5 years, renting to own, but now W is going thur a divorce, and we need the title in our names before the soon to be ex-wife gets her claws into our house. This process has been going on since april, and has hit several major snags here and there, but we maybe finial in the home stretch.
stop the world, i want off --repost 9-1-2005
stop the world, i want off
Death in the family. K. 33 years old and with 3 kids is gone. His wife, my husbands favorite cousin, is taking it really hard... go figure. SO we scrambled eggs, moved heaven and earth, moved mountains and then brought them to mohomid, to get G from Houston, TX to Kenia, AK, so he can go to the funeral.mean time, here at home, i cant stop crying. holding down the home front sucks. then my lovely mom has to call and start talking the the hurricain victims. Dont get the wrong, it's horrible and terrible whats going on, but shit, I can only process so much grief at time. Right now, this death is more personal and immediate to me. I'm cryig all the time, feeling guilty and lonely and just capital D depressed. This was so unexpected, none of us ever considered K to be in any danger. While we look for answers, there are none. The cause of death is unknown, the anchorage coraner couldnt find any signs of death and is awaiting a toxicicology report. IF he OD'ed on something, not only will B not get any of the measly 35k of insurance (hardly enough for 6 months) she'll be crushed. Anchorage cant get the reports back for a few weeks. (bullshit I say, the ER can get back lab results in 20 minutes where I work.)Trying not to call too much to G on the cell phone, I dont want to interupt him with the family too much. But gawd I wish I was there too. it still feels so unreal. How can he really be gone?fawk i didnt even really like him that much. but he was family and I didnt get to choose them, they accepted me. G brought me into the family, and they let me in. K and B were a big part of G and I dating and our early marriage. now I feel like I dont even know them anymore.we moved to TX to help care for my aging (and annoyoing) mom. They didnt like it, they were even hositle about it. So G got angry with B and hasnt talked to her before this for 4 years. Alot has happened in 4 years. I graduating nursing school and went to work. G graduated from 1 police accadamy, got hired on and then they sent him though another acadamy. That's 2 police acadmies and hundreds of miles on the car. So sick of school. Now it's my turn to go to upward mobility for the RN program. From the things I am hearing from Kenia, I wouldnt even know B now. She's writting a book, got an online graphic design BA degree. long shot from the girl I knew. Just hope its as good as they make it sound on the web site.That's my depressed, black mood, negative thought having inner self. She's playing up a limited success, and really just sitting and playing on her computer while ignoring the kids. not that G and i could throw rocks and glass houses or computer monitors. We spend alot of time on the computer too. and our kids do sit in front of the electronic babysitter too much too.damn to be perfect, i fawking hate being so damned human and flawed.stop the world, i wanna get off now.
Death in the family. K. 33 years old and with 3 kids is gone. His wife, my husbands favorite cousin, is taking it really hard... go figure. SO we scrambled eggs, moved heaven and earth, moved mountains and then brought them to mohomid, to get G from Houston, TX to Kenia, AK, so he can go to the funeral.mean time, here at home, i cant stop crying. holding down the home front sucks. then my lovely mom has to call and start talking the the hurricain victims. Dont get the wrong, it's horrible and terrible whats going on, but shit, I can only process so much grief at time. Right now, this death is more personal and immediate to me. I'm cryig all the time, feeling guilty and lonely and just capital D depressed. This was so unexpected, none of us ever considered K to be in any danger. While we look for answers, there are none. The cause of death is unknown, the anchorage coraner couldnt find any signs of death and is awaiting a toxicicology report. IF he OD'ed on something, not only will B not get any of the measly 35k of insurance (hardly enough for 6 months) she'll be crushed. Anchorage cant get the reports back for a few weeks. (bullshit I say, the ER can get back lab results in 20 minutes where I work.)Trying not to call too much to G on the cell phone, I dont want to interupt him with the family too much. But gawd I wish I was there too. it still feels so unreal. How can he really be gone?fawk i didnt even really like him that much. but he was family and I didnt get to choose them, they accepted me. G brought me into the family, and they let me in. K and B were a big part of G and I dating and our early marriage. now I feel like I dont even know them anymore.we moved to TX to help care for my aging (and annoyoing) mom. They didnt like it, they were even hositle about it. So G got angry with B and hasnt talked to her before this for 4 years. Alot has happened in 4 years. I graduating nursing school and went to work. G graduated from 1 police accadamy, got hired on and then they sent him though another acadamy. That's 2 police acadmies and hundreds of miles on the car. So sick of school. Now it's my turn to go to upward mobility for the RN program. From the things I am hearing from Kenia, I wouldnt even know B now. She's writting a book, got an online graphic design BA degree. long shot from the girl I knew. Just hope its as good as they make it sound on the web site.That's my depressed, black mood, negative thought having inner self. She's playing up a limited success, and really just sitting and playing on her computer while ignoring the kids. not that G and i could throw rocks and glass houses or computer monitors. We spend alot of time on the computer too. and our kids do sit in front of the electronic babysitter too much too.damn to be perfect, i fawking hate being so damned human and flawed.stop the world, i wanna get off now.
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