Respect

I am soooo mad.

Last night at work, I had a few minutes to kill, so I logging into my email. There I find an email that Wayne has gone out of his way for me to read. I just read the intro, he says he is "blowing steam,." at which point I start to steam. I have repeatedly asked him not to send my emails. If he must send me an email, make is something that if Gary read it, Gary wouldnt mind it. IT's a matter of respect. He repeatedly ignores my requests. He emails are manipulative, guilt trip, attempts at controlling me, attempts to illict an emotional response from me. HE is throwing a temper tantrum basically. Oh he makes me sooo mad. If I said half the things out loud that I think in my head, everyone would shot themselves and I would be guilty of driving them to it.

Neither one of them has any idea how much venoum and anger I hold back from them... how often I bite my tongue.

Wayne repeatedly does things I ask him not to do. Repeatedly disreguards my wishes. WTF????? I am trying to hold together a marriage I am very fond off. I like Gary, I love Gary, I enjoy being around Gary and I can actually TRUST him. Wayne has a long history of dishonesty with the women in his life. I've caught him in lies time and again. Does he really think I am sooo stupid as to place emotional trust in him with his repeated violation of my trust?

I am backed into a corner in that I need Wayne to help met the needs of the kids. I could make it on my own. Hell I could make it without Gary. But damn it would be unpleasent, scarafice of quality of life and just plain hard to cope. The kids would not have nearly so many of their needs emotional, physical, and social met if it were just me. Three adults does have its advantages. But freak, it's complicated too.

And Gary, as much as I love, adore, and need him emotionally. He is just plain lazy. Zip, zero, none as far as self starter at home goes. Now put a job related superiour in front of him and he's a ball of fire. But me, his wife, I have to ask a dozen times for him to change the cat litter box,a nd still half the time do it myself or ask Wayne to do it for me. I think waiting a week AFTER the damn thing is rank, is plenty patient enough. I mean damn, I dont want to live in a pig sty, but I just dont have the energy, time or desire to take care of 100% of everything.

I suppose this blog has become my new method of venting. I can be honest with myself and not give a freak who sees it. You dont know me anyway. LOL you could run into me on the street and not know that these words are running through my head. You would have no clue what I have going on at home.

I deleted his email unread. I just dont want to play into his little guilt trip. I dont want to take that ride. Distancing myself once it was read, would be next to impossible, so I file 13'd it.

Cell phone calling me on the way home from work. He as attempted to leave me a voice mail. *shakes head* Controlling. Just another tool to try and illict his desired response out of me. Freak I am tired of that shit. Some days, girls are sooooo much easier.

My A list:

If anything every happened to Gary (God forbide it) who would I sleep with?

First off, I'd be a slut, cause no one would be able to replace him, and it would just be fun sweaty exercise for fill an unfillable void.

Wayne (a Dr. Doolittle/pygmalian kinda thing. I'd want to improve him and make him into a real person)
James (he is just so flirty, of course I would have to change jobs.)
Jetta ( I owe her the shot at a relationship should anything happen to Gary, she was my first girl.)
Bill Alen, (just one taste would prolly do it.)
Tackleberry/Carter (he's a slut too, and would just be filling an empty spot.)
Beth (I do care about her very deeply, but I think she would be alarmed at my lack of..er..morals.)
hum, prolly more as the opportunity would arise.

more later.