I forgot yesterday, but we put up christmas lights. my pretty white icicle lights were not working, only 3 out of the 6 strands were lighting up, so I went up to wally world to buy some new ones..... only one set in the whole damned store. I get home, and they are the blinking lights... the other sets dont blink. ACK!!!!! Soooooo back to wal mart, now to buy six whole new sets of the multi color icicle lights. But we got them on the house. They are not what I wanted, but the kids are happy that we are now somewhat decorated for the holiday. We got the tree up a day or two ago, and set out the christmas candy holders. All that good jazz. Now to just get into the mood....hahahahaha
well, I had to go into houston today. OMG!! I hate traffic. I hate not knowing where I am or how to get around. It was foggy, so we had to leave O Towne early. A great family friend, almost aunt, went with me for moral support. We got into town in time to have lunch with her gentalman friend, and then get to the lawyers office. Auto accident on the 610 loop of course, so 30 minutes late, we get to the office. The lawyer was another 30 minutes behind us. And then four hours of intense prepping later. He basically grilled and roasted me over open flames, so I would know what to expect from the opposing lawyers. But he at least told me the best way to answer questions without stepping over my own feet so to speak. Lawyers have got to be the scum of the earth. He was actually being nice to me. I am soooo dreadding Monday, when I have to answer this stuff in front of the 'enemy.' They puposefully try to make you look like an lying idiot, nothing but corprate whores. freaking lawyers. So after 5 pm and my little girls christmas program starts at 6, can you say screwed? My mom had to get the kids home from school and get them ready for the program. G was working, and couldnt get off of patrol until 6 sharp. So my beautiful little girl had her first band concert without me. I hate myself. I missed her concert for some stupid car wreck. She's doing okay with it, it all went well, and G got there in time to see most of it. But I missed the whole thing.
I dont drink, but on the way into O towne, I stopped and purchased myself some mudslides and sour apple schappes. I intend to get wasted tonight. my nerves are shot and I am so freaking depressed. It really is a good thing they these kids need me. I am in tears and I feel like the whole world is a bad place, and people are just hurtful and mean. I know it sounds childish, but its the best way I know to express the way I feel right now. Those are the only words I know that even half way cover it.
Then I get on the net, and the patho teach has given me an A for her course. An A.. guess all the extra credit work paid off.... but I really didnt expect this.
I just..... my head hurts. on one hand I would love to just take a long walk off a short peir, on the other, I just am incredibly pleased. I passed and not only passed, I got an A.
Let's see.... laible? Manic depressive..... need more sleep and less stress. I want a VACTION.
out.
Thursday, December 14, 2006
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
Survivor has nothing on me, dude.
Well, I know its been a while. my life is insane...I am scheduling the nervous breakdown for something in 2010, when I have time. (yeah right, like I am ever going to have time.)
Mommy dearest had yet another TIA, another trip to the ER just to have it resolve itself once her blood pressure was undercontrol again. Turns out she was only taking her HTN med when she felt bad. Can I strangle this woman now? Ya know, patient teaching to a 60-something year old stuborn jackass, is about useless, might as well talk to the wall for all the good it is gonna do ya. So the CNP RN, tells her to take her meds as prescribed, and sends her home to follow up with her family doctor. BTW, she promptly ignored him and continues to do things 'her way.' The medcine makes me feel draggy, and it makes my blood pressure too low for me. What part of "take your medications as prescribed," do you not understand?
Guess I should just keep my mouth shut. The sooner she sends herself over the edge, the sooner I can move back to Alaska, and get out of this hell hole in Texas. I have to wait her out. The way she is going, not taking her meds, getting psycho on the phone with bill collectors, and in general nuerotically trying to run everyone else's life, the faster she will send herself into a major CVA. My only hope, do it right the first time, go for fatal and leave the vegatative state alone. BTW, yes, she is a DNR. I refuse to make her go through a code. She may be the worlds biggest bitch, but she is my mom, and I will not allow her to be tortured. She doesnt want any heroic measures, fine with me. My brothers and sister are the ones that dont get it. Luckily I have already explained, and mom has made her wishes known to dad, so the sib's can stick it in their ears.
Topic change.
Tomorrow I met with my lawyer to go over the facts of my case, and get ready for the deposition. Can you say nausea and vomitting from stress induced ulcers?
As for the last two classes before upward mobility: Health assessment B, Pathophsy B.
Guess now all I have to do is to take the entrence exam and wait for my application packet to be finialized. LOL I'm not under any stress........
(dont let the men in the white coats take me away. They're coming to take me away. ) Anyone else here remember Doctor Dementoe? I miss that program. Okay so I have a few loose screws, doesnt everyone?
time for another smoke, then bed. I have to drive into Houston tomorrow..... I hate that town. Too many ppl and too much traffic. Did I mention that I miss Alaska?
laterz all.
Mommy dearest had yet another TIA, another trip to the ER just to have it resolve itself once her blood pressure was undercontrol again. Turns out she was only taking her HTN med when she felt bad. Can I strangle this woman now? Ya know, patient teaching to a 60-something year old stuborn jackass, is about useless, might as well talk to the wall for all the good it is gonna do ya. So the CNP RN, tells her to take her meds as prescribed, and sends her home to follow up with her family doctor. BTW, she promptly ignored him and continues to do things 'her way.' The medcine makes me feel draggy, and it makes my blood pressure too low for me. What part of "take your medications as prescribed," do you not understand?
Guess I should just keep my mouth shut. The sooner she sends herself over the edge, the sooner I can move back to Alaska, and get out of this hell hole in Texas. I have to wait her out. The way she is going, not taking her meds, getting psycho on the phone with bill collectors, and in general nuerotically trying to run everyone else's life, the faster she will send herself into a major CVA. My only hope, do it right the first time, go for fatal and leave the vegatative state alone. BTW, yes, she is a DNR. I refuse to make her go through a code. She may be the worlds biggest bitch, but she is my mom, and I will not allow her to be tortured. She doesnt want any heroic measures, fine with me. My brothers and sister are the ones that dont get it. Luckily I have already explained, and mom has made her wishes known to dad, so the sib's can stick it in their ears.
Topic change.
Tomorrow I met with my lawyer to go over the facts of my case, and get ready for the deposition. Can you say nausea and vomitting from stress induced ulcers?
As for the last two classes before upward mobility: Health assessment B, Pathophsy B.
Guess now all I have to do is to take the entrence exam and wait for my application packet to be finialized. LOL I'm not under any stress........
(dont let the men in the white coats take me away. They're coming to take me away. ) Anyone else here remember Doctor Dementoe? I miss that program. Okay so I have a few loose screws, doesnt everyone?
time for another smoke, then bed. I have to drive into Houston tomorrow..... I hate that town. Too many ppl and too much traffic. Did I mention that I miss Alaska?
laterz all.
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
Ol' Bill was right, kill all the lawyers....
This car wreck that almost killed me, the lawyers for AllState want to make me look like a liar. Saying the my fractured ethmoid sinus bone was in no way related to me smacking my head around when their client made and illegal left hand turn only one car length in front of me, leaving no room to maniver and avoid his stupid non-driving butt. So what? the broken bone fairye just plopped down and broke my sinus bone out of the thin blue air?
So comming up in December I have to go give a deposition to the insurance company lawyers.
ah so much to do, and so little time.....
So comming up in December I have to go give a deposition to the insurance company lawyers.
ah so much to do, and so little time.....
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
goings on.....
Well, it's been a little while since I posted. Remiss I know, but only so many hours in a day, and way too many responsiblities.
Dang it, I want be a kid again!!!! Just go to school, someone else has to worry about meeting the bills, driving the car, getting to things on time, and making things work.
So the job, things are crazy and uncertain. I dont like uncertain. I want some security in my job. BUT, our lovely corprate office has decided that our work productivity is too low and they have to cut more people from the staff. WTF!!!!!! We're already working a skeletan crew, especially on nights. Who else are you gonna cut and still provide SAFE care to our patients? Our unit is making money, and have a high patient satisfaction, but even if it's not broken yet, lets see if we can screw it up. Stupid pencil pushers. We are already top heavy, way too many chiefs and not enough indians. The actually bedside nurses and aids are running like mad, while the administration is busy coming up with more demands on our time, more paper work, and less and less help. ACK! I am only human, no where in the job description did it say I had to be wonder woman or super girl. I left my cape at the dry cleaners 'kay.
Anyway, so the lawyers have not gotten back in touch with me lately, so I am gonna have to call them. Yuk. It just depresses me when I have to talk to them. I just dont know if anyone is actully going to fight for and belive in me. I just dont have the confedence in the process. I dont want to have to sue someone, but here I am having to do this hateful thing. The insurance companies are like the mob, you pay them for protection, EVERY month, and then in an emergancy, they put the blame on the victim, and tortur him/her. I know I am bitter at this point, and have lost faith in the system.
I work hard, two jobs and go to school much of the time. Drive two kids back and forth to after school activities, keep the house, take care of my parents, and now have to do battle with Allstate. I am so freak'n depressed.
oh well, gotta go watch a movie with the family. "Over the hedge."
out.
Dang it, I want be a kid again!!!! Just go to school, someone else has to worry about meeting the bills, driving the car, getting to things on time, and making things work.
So the job, things are crazy and uncertain. I dont like uncertain. I want some security in my job. BUT, our lovely corprate office has decided that our work productivity is too low and they have to cut more people from the staff. WTF!!!!!! We're already working a skeletan crew, especially on nights. Who else are you gonna cut and still provide SAFE care to our patients? Our unit is making money, and have a high patient satisfaction, but even if it's not broken yet, lets see if we can screw it up. Stupid pencil pushers. We are already top heavy, way too many chiefs and not enough indians. The actually bedside nurses and aids are running like mad, while the administration is busy coming up with more demands on our time, more paper work, and less and less help. ACK! I am only human, no where in the job description did it say I had to be wonder woman or super girl. I left my cape at the dry cleaners 'kay.
Anyway, so the lawyers have not gotten back in touch with me lately, so I am gonna have to call them. Yuk. It just depresses me when I have to talk to them. I just dont know if anyone is actully going to fight for and belive in me. I just dont have the confedence in the process. I dont want to have to sue someone, but here I am having to do this hateful thing. The insurance companies are like the mob, you pay them for protection, EVERY month, and then in an emergancy, they put the blame on the victim, and tortur him/her. I know I am bitter at this point, and have lost faith in the system.
I work hard, two jobs and go to school much of the time. Drive two kids back and forth to after school activities, keep the house, take care of my parents, and now have to do battle with Allstate. I am so freak'n depressed.
oh well, gotta go watch a movie with the family. "Over the hedge."
out.
Thursday, September 28, 2006
Update on the update, or, Life as we know it
Well, the mom type is going to be fine. A bleeding hemrrhoid that the doc cauterized and a case of diverticulitis. Just means there's some things she wont be able to eat anymore cause they are hard on the intestine, like nuts, whole corn, ya get the idea. She's out of the hosptial and back to being her mean self. Not that she ever stopped being mean, but ya know, gotta at least pretend they are nice people while in the hospital.
As for pathophys and health assessment, so far a 96% in both classes. WOOT! I was stoked. This two classes are about to drive me to drinking, stuff I have already had about 10 times at least!
Yesterday was over cardiac funcion....grrrrrrr. I started my nursing career working on a telemetry floor. So reading ECG are and everyday thing, and you have to know what is going on with the patient, cause you have to treat the underlying cause.... So lecture yesterday was like have dental work done. dohhhhhh, ya mean there is some kinda thingy that make the heart pump, and with it dont work, well, that's bad right? *beating head again*
Not to be tooooooo mean, but the class is full of 'baby nurses' they just graduated in August from VN school, most still just GVN's. I hit the unit running over four years ago, and wasnt excatly cut much slack, so had to learn fast. I know they need to know what they dont know, but when thin, blond, big boobs, valley girl, GVN starts asking STUPID questions, I would rather pull out my own fingernails than have to listen to her talk.
But as in most things, I smile, nod in the appropriate places, and just vent here when I get home. I know I must sound like a nut case on this blog, but really it's theraputic, I vent here, so the rest of the world is safe and sound, and I just smile at them and nod yet again.
;)
As for pathophys and health assessment, so far a 96% in both classes. WOOT! I was stoked. This two classes are about to drive me to drinking, stuff I have already had about 10 times at least!
Yesterday was over cardiac funcion....grrrrrrr. I started my nursing career working on a telemetry floor. So reading ECG are and everyday thing, and you have to know what is going on with the patient, cause you have to treat the underlying cause.... So lecture yesterday was like have dental work done. dohhhhhh, ya mean there is some kinda thingy that make the heart pump, and with it dont work, well, that's bad right? *beating head again*
Not to be tooooooo mean, but the class is full of 'baby nurses' they just graduated in August from VN school, most still just GVN's. I hit the unit running over four years ago, and wasnt excatly cut much slack, so had to learn fast. I know they need to know what they dont know, but when thin, blond, big boobs, valley girl, GVN starts asking STUPID questions, I would rather pull out my own fingernails than have to listen to her talk.
But as in most things, I smile, nod in the appropriate places, and just vent here when I get home. I know I must sound like a nut case on this blog, but really it's theraputic, I vent here, so the rest of the world is safe and sound, and I just smile at them and nod yet again.
;)
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
Update
Well. My mom was admitted to my hospital last night around midnight. They stick her on the floor I worked four years ago, Cardiac floor, and did a procedure this morning. Upper GI this morning showing nothing that would cause such extensive bleeding. GO FIGURE, it is bright red blood doc.... dont ya think it would be coming from the lower section of intestines or colon? dohhhhhh!!!!
So tomorrow they do the lower GI. I got to spent the afternoon getting her to drink 4litters of Colyte, that was soooo fun, *sarcasim* Gee, can we do that again?
Mom has a high sensativity to all things anesthetic, so they used Phenegran to knock her out. She was gorked all day! So here I am, forcing colyte down one end, trying to keep her from falling going to and from the bathroom, changing her gowns when she doesnt quite make it, and trying to stay out of the way of the floor nurses. I know them, they can be bitchy when freaked around with. The one taking care of mom today was a CNA when I worked there. *rolls eyes* she didnt impress me then either. of course with all the running back and forth, still passing blood clots, and the phenegran, mom manages to pull her IV site out. Of course the ER put in her AC anyway, so it set the pump to beeping each time she bent her arm. Hence new IV time. I left the room, just couldnt sit there and not come un-glued on someone. They are also running Q8* H/H on her, already have her typed and cross matched. I'm just waiting for the call in the middle of the night that they have to transfuse. Dad and I signed all the consents before we left, "just in case."
I am not a happy camper, tomorrow I have class all day. It's something I cant miss, I missed last week because I was so very sick. Not a way to make a good impression with the director of the upward mobility program. Dad said he'd be there, it would be okay.
Mom has a hx of her heart stopping with any type of sedation, and just cause the phenegran worked today just fine, doesnt mean it will in the morning. Does this ever get any better?
So tomorrow they do the lower GI. I got to spent the afternoon getting her to drink 4litters of Colyte, that was soooo fun, *sarcasim* Gee, can we do that again?
Mom has a high sensativity to all things anesthetic, so they used Phenegran to knock her out. She was gorked all day! So here I am, forcing colyte down one end, trying to keep her from falling going to and from the bathroom, changing her gowns when she doesnt quite make it, and trying to stay out of the way of the floor nurses. I know them, they can be bitchy when freaked around with. The one taking care of mom today was a CNA when I worked there. *rolls eyes* she didnt impress me then either. of course with all the running back and forth, still passing blood clots, and the phenegran, mom manages to pull her IV site out. Of course the ER put in her AC anyway, so it set the pump to beeping each time she bent her arm. Hence new IV time. I left the room, just couldnt sit there and not come un-glued on someone. They are also running Q8* H/H on her, already have her typed and cross matched. I'm just waiting for the call in the middle of the night that they have to transfuse. Dad and I signed all the consents before we left, "just in case."
I am not a happy camper, tomorrow I have class all day. It's something I cant miss, I missed last week because I was so very sick. Not a way to make a good impression with the director of the upward mobility program. Dad said he'd be there, it would be okay.
Mom has a hx of her heart stopping with any type of sedation, and just cause the phenegran worked today just fine, doesnt mean it will in the morning. Does this ever get any better?
Monday, September 25, 2006
stuborn, hard headed, bitch
SO, the lovely mom person calls early this morning. Me, still sick as a dog. She wants to know how I'm feeling, cuz she needs some medical information. (grrrrrrr...am not a MD, only an LVN dam it!) She's developed a bright red rectal bleed complete with clots. I tell her to go see our family Doc. She says she doesnt want to go into the doc office. Seems that yesterday, they took my dad in to get a suspicious mole removed, while waiting, the office manager come in and wants $100.00 up front, cuz insureance didnt cover the last pre-cancer spot removed from dad. And the office manager didnt have time to call the insureance company, they were short handed, mom and dad just needed to pay an additional hundred bucks before the procedure could be done. This is after the $25.00 co-pay that everyone has to pay up front, before being maked down for an appointment slot.
So she doesnt want to go in to see doc, cuz office manager was rude to them yesterday!!! Mom says she doesnt have the money for that, but she can go to ER as soon as dad gets home from work...WTF!!!!!! ER?!?!?!?!?!?!?! That costs 4 jor 5 x as much! She says, she has insureance to cover it. (banging head against brick wall) Granted, she needs to seek treatment. I dont exactly have a scope to cram up her bottom to check where the bleed is coming from and fix it. And from the phone conversation, it was like she wanted me to somehow magically get a MD and fix her problem. THEN comes the guilt trip about how she doesnt matter, and how she doesnt work and therefore doesnt contribute to the house, so we would all be so much better off if she did hemrrhage to death. (gritting teeth, bitch) Like I have any control over some freaking office manager and like I have any way to repair a rectal bleed, OMG, I'm a nurse, not a freaking wizard! How am I suppose to help with any of this?
So I call the doctor office and ask to have the FNP or MD call me back, I know them both by name and work with them from time to time. They are both busy, so the RN doing NP clinicals calls me back, agrees that mom needs treatment, but has no way of helping if mom refuses to seek treatment. Can I strangle this woman! I called mom back, mind you, from my own sick bed, and told her I could get her in to see the doc if she would go, she refuses, states again that she will go to ER.
I freaking give up!!!!!!!! Bitch! How am I suppose to fix things for an irrational person? How to reason with neurotic people? Can you say manipulative?
So I crawled back into bed and cussed for a while, felt like throwing things and finally went back to sleep.
arggggggg, fuck, piss and vinegar, grrrrrrr, bitch.
So she doesnt want to go in to see doc, cuz office manager was rude to them yesterday!!! Mom says she doesnt have the money for that, but she can go to ER as soon as dad gets home from work...WTF!!!!!! ER?!?!?!?!?!?!?! That costs 4 jor 5 x as much! She says, she has insureance to cover it. (banging head against brick wall) Granted, she needs to seek treatment. I dont exactly have a scope to cram up her bottom to check where the bleed is coming from and fix it. And from the phone conversation, it was like she wanted me to somehow magically get a MD and fix her problem. THEN comes the guilt trip about how she doesnt matter, and how she doesnt work and therefore doesnt contribute to the house, so we would all be so much better off if she did hemrrhage to death. (gritting teeth, bitch) Like I have any control over some freaking office manager and like I have any way to repair a rectal bleed, OMG, I'm a nurse, not a freaking wizard! How am I suppose to help with any of this?
So I call the doctor office and ask to have the FNP or MD call me back, I know them both by name and work with them from time to time. They are both busy, so the RN doing NP clinicals calls me back, agrees that mom needs treatment, but has no way of helping if mom refuses to seek treatment. Can I strangle this woman! I called mom back, mind you, from my own sick bed, and told her I could get her in to see the doc if she would go, she refuses, states again that she will go to ER.
I freaking give up!!!!!!!! Bitch! How am I suppose to fix things for an irrational person? How to reason with neurotic people? Can you say manipulative?
So I crawled back into bed and cussed for a while, felt like throwing things and finally went back to sleep.
arggggggg, fuck, piss and vinegar, grrrrrrr, bitch.
Saturday, September 23, 2006
The Class, lawyers, and softball
Ya ever notice that the hospital only wants to send you to classes, updates, semeniars when your arse deep in alagators?
I went to my ACLS renewal class yesterday. Went pretty smoothly, even if it did take all day. So my night shift for last night was canceled, but I still have to flip flop and do one tonight. No wonder my sleep cycle is screwed six ways to sunday.
Currenly with the week being taken up with college courses, I work the weekends, one weekend days 7a to 7p, the next nights 7p to 7a. Which way was up again? And dont even start trying to assess my orientation, cause I have no idea what day it is with this crzy schedule. Ha hahahahaha, good thing my patients are mostly 'pleasently confused,' makes two of us.
Anyway, on top of college, renewals, and updates, in services... yada yada yada....
I finially got a packet from my lawyer. They found the guy that hit me and nearly killed me in a car wreck two years ago. We are going to have to go to trial from the looks of it. The lawyer sends me a pack of some twenty pages of Discover. Basically they want to know every move I have made, every MD I have seen, my tax records, my education background, every place I have lived, etc etc etc for the last five years!!!! Everything but my shoe size and measurements. The lawyer also said that the other lawyer is prolly investigating me... WTF. I did nothing wrong!!!!!! I was on my way to work. Their client turned in front of me, and almost killed me.... good thing I had a seat belt on. As it was 7 days in patient and nasal/brain cavity perferation repair surgery, three months off work, and untold muscle pain, nasal pain, CSF loss induced migrains, and turning my world completely upside down!!!!!! Now they want to make me out to be at fault, and some sort of liar. OGM!!!! Lawyers... all the jokes... Ol' Will was right, kill them all. Scum sucking, low life, lying SOBs.
Anyway, time to get ready for work. The kids want a few minutes of my time. I have to hear about the girl childs softball game.. THAT THEY WON today. (is amazing, they were making the bad news bears look good.) And She made an out and a double play today! WOOT!
laterz
I went to my ACLS renewal class yesterday. Went pretty smoothly, even if it did take all day. So my night shift for last night was canceled, but I still have to flip flop and do one tonight. No wonder my sleep cycle is screwed six ways to sunday.
Currenly with the week being taken up with college courses, I work the weekends, one weekend days 7a to 7p, the next nights 7p to 7a. Which way was up again? And dont even start trying to assess my orientation, cause I have no idea what day it is with this crzy schedule. Ha hahahahaha, good thing my patients are mostly 'pleasently confused,' makes two of us.
Anyway, on top of college, renewals, and updates, in services... yada yada yada....
I finially got a packet from my lawyer. They found the guy that hit me and nearly killed me in a car wreck two years ago. We are going to have to go to trial from the looks of it. The lawyer sends me a pack of some twenty pages of Discover. Basically they want to know every move I have made, every MD I have seen, my tax records, my education background, every place I have lived, etc etc etc for the last five years!!!! Everything but my shoe size and measurements. The lawyer also said that the other lawyer is prolly investigating me... WTF. I did nothing wrong!!!!!! I was on my way to work. Their client turned in front of me, and almost killed me.... good thing I had a seat belt on. As it was 7 days in patient and nasal/brain cavity perferation repair surgery, three months off work, and untold muscle pain, nasal pain, CSF loss induced migrains, and turning my world completely upside down!!!!!! Now they want to make me out to be at fault, and some sort of liar. OGM!!!! Lawyers... all the jokes... Ol' Will was right, kill them all. Scum sucking, low life, lying SOBs.
Anyway, time to get ready for work. The kids want a few minutes of my time. I have to hear about the girl childs softball game.. THAT THEY WON today. (is amazing, they were making the bad news bears look good.) And She made an out and a double play today! WOOT!
laterz
Friday, September 22, 2006
The phone call!
Yesterday, shortly after my last post...where I thought the only way possible for me to feel better would be for me to "make a celestial discharge," my phone rings!
And who is on the phone that means sooo much to me, that on my "death bed," I come back to life to speak to for over an hour? My girlfriend in Dallas. This is a wonderful lady, very artistic, loving, and caring. I felt better just talking to her. Then she leaves me a note on my yahoo 360. :)
I feel all warm and fuzzy! she still cares about me. I was kinda worried there for a while. We had a bit of a disagreement over my picking up smoking. She has had many losses in her life due to cancer, and it really upset her when I picked up the habit. So we hadnt really been talking in months. Actually only about 3 or 4 times since this disagreement almost a year ago. So I was terrified that I was getting completely rejected. One of my really big fears when it comes to a 'girlfriend,' is that she will get bored with me and tell me to shove off.
Relationships with other women have always ment a great deal to me. It seems like a woman can bond more closely at times with the physical aspects getting in the way less. So of the very few women I have been attracted to and the even fewer that I have had relationships with, I am completely, totally, and hopelessly in love with them.
A little bit of background. My first girlfriend approached me, we were in high school, and we really didnt have a clue as to what we were doing. But I still have a copy of every letter she ever wrote to me. She is now in a committed three way relationship with a woman and her husband. It works for them. I try to stay out of it. She thinks I abandoned her when I went to Alaska, I kinda did. For that I feel guilty sometimes. I was very young and was trying very hard to be what was expected of me to be.
I have since learned that I just dont fit into that mold completely. I have learned that while I love my husband, sometimes I just need another woman in my life.
So the lady that has my heart, and has for the last several years, called yesterday. She still loves me!!!!!!$%%*$&$($(%*$($($)$($*$ I had been kinda mopping around and brewding about it for months, unsure of our status. Now I think that maybe there is a chance! I know I have to quit smoking. I have been trying to do that anyway. My hospitial is going no smoking for the whole campus in Nov anyway. I have been to my doctor and am on a medication that is suppose to help, and she has recommended hypnosis. I'm thinking seriously about doing that. I want to quit.
The last four days of being ill, I've only had about 6 smokes total, because I was so sick, I didnt want to go outside. I dont smoke in the house, or in front my kids. It's a stupid habit I picked up due to nerves, a bitchy work enviroment, and trying to stay awake for night shift. So the work enviroment is at least somewhat better, my nerves are still shot to hell and back, and staying awake on night shift is always going to be a pain in the arse.
Anyway, diet and weight update, I have now lost 50 lbs total, and have eased up on the calorie intake restriction... I think that was the trick to coming off my plateau. I was being too strick and my body thought it was starving.... lemme tell you...not possible. So I am still taking the martial arts class, when feeling well. AND muscle does wt more then fat, so maybe I am building muscle too! More muscle means faster metabolism....faster metabolism means I may get to my goal weight.
Anyway, she loves me, she loves me, she loves me!!!!
And who is on the phone that means sooo much to me, that on my "death bed," I come back to life to speak to for over an hour? My girlfriend in Dallas. This is a wonderful lady, very artistic, loving, and caring. I felt better just talking to her. Then she leaves me a note on my yahoo 360. :)
I feel all warm and fuzzy! she still cares about me. I was kinda worried there for a while. We had a bit of a disagreement over my picking up smoking. She has had many losses in her life due to cancer, and it really upset her when I picked up the habit. So we hadnt really been talking in months. Actually only about 3 or 4 times since this disagreement almost a year ago. So I was terrified that I was getting completely rejected. One of my really big fears when it comes to a 'girlfriend,' is that she will get bored with me and tell me to shove off.
Relationships with other women have always ment a great deal to me. It seems like a woman can bond more closely at times with the physical aspects getting in the way less. So of the very few women I have been attracted to and the even fewer that I have had relationships with, I am completely, totally, and hopelessly in love with them.
A little bit of background. My first girlfriend approached me, we were in high school, and we really didnt have a clue as to what we were doing. But I still have a copy of every letter she ever wrote to me. She is now in a committed three way relationship with a woman and her husband. It works for them. I try to stay out of it. She thinks I abandoned her when I went to Alaska, I kinda did. For that I feel guilty sometimes. I was very young and was trying very hard to be what was expected of me to be.
I have since learned that I just dont fit into that mold completely. I have learned that while I love my husband, sometimes I just need another woman in my life.
So the lady that has my heart, and has for the last several years, called yesterday. She still loves me!!!!!!$%%*$&$($(%*$($($)$($*$ I had been kinda mopping around and brewding about it for months, unsure of our status. Now I think that maybe there is a chance! I know I have to quit smoking. I have been trying to do that anyway. My hospitial is going no smoking for the whole campus in Nov anyway. I have been to my doctor and am on a medication that is suppose to help, and she has recommended hypnosis. I'm thinking seriously about doing that. I want to quit.
The last four days of being ill, I've only had about 6 smokes total, because I was so sick, I didnt want to go outside. I dont smoke in the house, or in front my kids. It's a stupid habit I picked up due to nerves, a bitchy work enviroment, and trying to stay awake for night shift. So the work enviroment is at least somewhat better, my nerves are still shot to hell and back, and staying awake on night shift is always going to be a pain in the arse.
Anyway, diet and weight update, I have now lost 50 lbs total, and have eased up on the calorie intake restriction... I think that was the trick to coming off my plateau. I was being too strick and my body thought it was starving.... lemme tell you...not possible. So I am still taking the martial arts class, when feeling well. AND muscle does wt more then fat, so maybe I am building muscle too! More muscle means faster metabolism....faster metabolism means I may get to my goal weight.
Anyway, she loves me, she loves me, she loves me!!!!
Thursday, September 21, 2006
Down day
So I have an upper respiratory infection. A pretty nasty one at that. Gee.... cant imagine where I picked that up from. *thinks* maybe the hospital?
My doc put me on a Z-pack, and some decongestants about three days ago, so why do I feel like I am getting worse and not better? :(
Anyway, the girl child earned her green strip in martial arts last night, and G is going up for his tonight. Me? I been home all week hacking up a lung.
Suppose 'ta be going to a recert class for my ACLS tomorrow. That'll be fun, oh joy. *sarcism*
well, off to crawl back into hibernation untill I feel human again.
My doc put me on a Z-pack, and some decongestants about three days ago, so why do I feel like I am getting worse and not better? :(
Anyway, the girl child earned her green strip in martial arts last night, and G is going up for his tonight. Me? I been home all week hacking up a lung.
Suppose 'ta be going to a recert class for my ACLS tomorrow. That'll be fun, oh joy. *sarcism*
well, off to crawl back into hibernation untill I feel human again.
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