recognation

Am I important enough? It would be so ultra cool to have someone actually nominate me for one of those "woman of the day" kinda of things. But does anyone in my family think enough of me to do something like that? NO. To have someone praise me, write a letter about how much I mean to them, how wonderful and caring I am. I mean really, I am a caring person. Dang it....

Write a letter about me and what I do, who I am and my importance and controbutions to the world. *sigh* prolly never happen. Gary is not thoughtful enough to do so, and the kids... well kids are naturally self centered at this age. They are still in elementry school. My birth family, well, they are kinda self centered hopeless cases too.... it would take to much effort on the part of another person for them to perform an act like that. *shakes head* so much for being important to someone.

working again

well so much for getting to go to the ren fair with beth. No one would work for me or trade shifts... I worked an extra shift. c'est la via I guess. the money will be nice.

Migrains again.

still dealing with death of a co-worker. how strange to be upset over it still. But part of it is that everyone seems to be talking it over and over and over again. So I end up hearing about it again and again, so very depressing.

oh well, gotta love it. Cant shot people for stupidity, but damn it would be nice. See I do have a violent temper to match the red hair, just dont show it. I'll be one of the mean grannies in the home someday, the one that no one wants to take care of. LOL. I find myself amusing.

oh well, still fighting with my computer system. It would prolly be faster if I had the time to devote an afternoon to fixing it. But as it is, it's ten minutes here or there. I stormed through the house today threatening to upgrade... I think a lap top would be nice. $$$$ yeah that'll happen.

oh well, time for rounds again. time to chart again. *smirk*

To really screw up you need a computer

Computer problems. my system has been having problems and due to work and my messed up sleep schedule I have been unable to complete de-bug it. So I cant get to the internet. I have fixed the problem where it freezes before completing the startup process. At least some progress there. Anyway it is frustrating due to my dependance on the internet and my computer for things like banking and bill paying, email and a connection with the outside world. Pudunk Texas is just so removed from the rest of the world. It's like living in a freaking episode of the twillight zone where everything is encased in a bubble and not aging or moving forward for 20 years behind the rest of the world.

Whinning, tantrum throwing children. Oh God love 'em. God give me the patients to change the things I can, the wisdom to know the difference and a really big stick to beat them with.

A former co-worker of mine died. She was mid-40's, charge nurse, very caring, someone I liked. Aleatha. Very upsetting in a vague, I dont get it, sort of way. Today was the funeral, and I had class. Was so tired after working 12 hours and going to class. Came home and slept till the children bounded in and woke me up after they got home from school.

Anyeay, There's been so many things I wanted a chance to write about this week, and have been unable to d/t the computer problems. Now as I sit in front of the keyboard they have gone away.

I did get out from under my contract with Rue, the damn money grubbing basterds. I have paid them over $800.00 but at least I dont have to pay them anything more.

Anyway, that's the update as of today, and I can remember.

Dream dream dream dream

Another weird dream I flet compaled to share.

Its some sort of apartment, but it only has three sides like a doll house. I am moving into this for some reason. I think I am the room mother for a group of college students. KC and Trey are amoung the students. But Trey is too young to be in school this year, maybe next year.

I am trying to come up with a way to arrang all these odd pieces of furnature into this very small living space. The bookcases are all falling apart but its all any of us have and for some reason we need all the peices of furnature. There is way too much to fit into this small space, but we need all of and I have to make it fit and still provide the girls with a study area, sleeping quarters, dinning area, kitchen and bathroom, all in sit com sized one bedroom apartment.

**now half awake and still working on this dream and problem**

Some how some bunk beds come into play. Two sets, so that's four beds and a single bed. That takes care of all the girls, they get the one bedroom. Trey and I have two single beds, we take up the far right hand corner and I start using all the massive bookcases to create false walls. ((that one had to come from my real life use of bookcase to create the illusion of another room,.)) Anyway, I have to set up these other areas. So the far left hand side is the living area with TV. My rocking chair and another one, I think it is one of the other girls, are set against the wall facing into the living space, and facing the TV. The TV is set facing the rocking chairs, the back facing into some study area, the study area again defined by bookcases and my ugle bambo box coffee table. That area is for them to do homework and keep their eyes off the TV.

I think the dinning area kinda fell off the map, I dunno what happend to it. But I am worried about Trey and how he will deal with this, us have no privacy.

anyway, by this time I am fully awake and need to write this down.

Since starting this blogger I have been using it for my dreams. Never before have I remembered my dreams as often nor have I recorded them.

The only other dream I remembered this vividly was the lions licking blood from dumpsters and myself as a child sitting in my moms van watching in horror this scene. The lions had somehow gotten out of control and were terrorizing the city. A large city that I remember, but I dont know which one. I had this dream a child and it has always haunted me. It was so real and in color. The lions looked so large and deadly they scared me.

anyway. I guess I have weird dreams but I forget them until now... when I started getting up in the middle of the night to record them here.

Life Style

A quote from Cynthia: From the movie "the first 20 million"

*Simplify, clarify, and economize.*

What a great ideal. I like it. It has inspired my recent battle against the clutter. I am trying to get rid of the junk, organize and debunk the house. The budget is getting better, my bills are being paid on time. I am working on getting my life organized, orderly and manageble.

It's like when I stopped bitting my finger nails, or the last year of better eating habits and excercise. I just had to make the decision and 'just do it.' I just have to make it important to myself.

I want to see that movie too. Cynthia is great about movies. She knows I feel TV is a waste of time. I'd rather watch movies where I am the programing director. I hate TV. I love my VCR and DVD. I hate the TV. Possible the only redeming things on TV are on the history channel, PBS, or Discovery.

*scoff scoff* I am such a preppy. Even today. no jock for me, no brain for me, no geek for me... all yuppie/preppie.

Read on McDuff

I've had someone make one comment on one of my previuos posts.

Now it's like I kinda want someone to look at it, and I kinda don't. It's like someone reading your mail or a stranger finding your diary and reading it. In a way I would really like some validation about my thoughts and feelings, but in a way I am scared to death of rejection. Obsessive Compulsive that I am, I've had to add a photo to my profile now. Cuz someone might actually read it. LOL Are we (amercians, women, you name the group) really so starved for intellicual connections with others, that we go out of our way to find annonomous strangers to connect and communication with?

WTF does that say bout our society?

Are we really so straved for someone to just listen?

Hell I dont want anyone to "FIX" my problems, I just want a place to voice them in safety without causing harm to my relationships or myself. Some place to 'blow steam' or "vent" just someplace to pout quietly and not have anyone try to make it all better. I'm a big girl, I know that no one can make it all better but me. I know it's my perception that dictates my moods. It's "living the full spots of my life and getting over the empty ones" that will make my happiness achievable. Gezzzzzz. I just want a place to be who I am in my own head.

YEs the people pleaser in me wants someone to understand me without the need of $100 per hour therapy sessions. Beside those over educated psycho-babbaling idoits are even more screwed up than the rest of us. I know, I work with them. THEY go to other shirkens more often than the rest of us do. LOL Being in health care gives me such a clear prospective on life.

I dont want someone hurtful to read my thoughts. But yeah I kinda would like to connect with other people in a non-threatening enviroment. a la internet strangers.

I find myself checking to see if anyone has posted to my blog.... OCD again. ((Obsessive compulsive disorder))

* chuckles* yeah.... what a lovely state of affairs.

more later.

This old house

My list goes on and on and on....

Bob Vila could spend a whole season on my house:

LONG TERM GAOLS

Insulate the garage
Extended fench
Rewire garage dryer / air conditioner breaker problem
Finish garage walls -- half done
Add bathroom -- between kitchen and garage, link up to kitchen plumbing.
Kitchen Remodel: ((to be done in stages))
Add false floor and move pantry wall --changed mind, dont want to do this, this way anymore.
Take out kitchen/pantry dividing wall -- nope, add to dividing wall for more privacy
Move refrigerator onto kitchen false floor extension -- can't do
Open up kitchen walls into living room -- half done, window added, needs to be fininshed
Add kitchen cabinets -- *rolls eyes* get ahold of old cajun guy that is HoH and works slow but cheap.
Add butcher block top -- still want
Replace sliding glass doors with more ornamental doors (French/stained glass)
Close in car port/ extend roof from pantry door to carport & garage _) -- must revise.
New roof over bedroom -- Gary wants tressel and pitched roofing.
Make fold down knife drawer.
Fix leak under sink -- half done
Add gravel or shell beside car port for parking
Clean out bamboo -- tried, bambo is hard to kill.
Bar B Que pit -- done
Walls around bedroom door repaired -- again, half done.
Door sweeps and gaskets -- have idea on purchase to fix this.
Astroturf removed from yard outside bedroom -- done, did it myself, do it is actuall all the way done.

more later.

(edit)

maybe I should put half assed or half baked beside all the things only half done. That just really ticks me off. What's wrong with starting a project and working on it until completion... what's wrong with getting a job all the way done?

Respect

I am soooo mad.

Last night at work, I had a few minutes to kill, so I logging into my email. There I find an email that Wayne has gone out of his way for me to read. I just read the intro, he says he is "blowing steam,." at which point I start to steam. I have repeatedly asked him not to send my emails. If he must send me an email, make is something that if Gary read it, Gary wouldnt mind it. IT's a matter of respect. He repeatedly ignores my requests. He emails are manipulative, guilt trip, attempts at controlling me, attempts to illict an emotional response from me. HE is throwing a temper tantrum basically. Oh he makes me sooo mad. If I said half the things out loud that I think in my head, everyone would shot themselves and I would be guilty of driving them to it.

Neither one of them has any idea how much venoum and anger I hold back from them... how often I bite my tongue.

Wayne repeatedly does things I ask him not to do. Repeatedly disreguards my wishes. WTF????? I am trying to hold together a marriage I am very fond off. I like Gary, I love Gary, I enjoy being around Gary and I can actually TRUST him. Wayne has a long history of dishonesty with the women in his life. I've caught him in lies time and again. Does he really think I am sooo stupid as to place emotional trust in him with his repeated violation of my trust?

I am backed into a corner in that I need Wayne to help met the needs of the kids. I could make it on my own. Hell I could make it without Gary. But damn it would be unpleasent, scarafice of quality of life and just plain hard to cope. The kids would not have nearly so many of their needs emotional, physical, and social met if it were just me. Three adults does have its advantages. But freak, it's complicated too.

And Gary, as much as I love, adore, and need him emotionally. He is just plain lazy. Zip, zero, none as far as self starter at home goes. Now put a job related superiour in front of him and he's a ball of fire. But me, his wife, I have to ask a dozen times for him to change the cat litter box,a nd still half the time do it myself or ask Wayne to do it for me. I think waiting a week AFTER the damn thing is rank, is plenty patient enough. I mean damn, I dont want to live in a pig sty, but I just dont have the energy, time or desire to take care of 100% of everything.

I suppose this blog has become my new method of venting. I can be honest with myself and not give a freak who sees it. You dont know me anyway. LOL you could run into me on the street and not know that these words are running through my head. You would have no clue what I have going on at home.

I deleted his email unread. I just dont want to play into his little guilt trip. I dont want to take that ride. Distancing myself once it was read, would be next to impossible, so I file 13'd it.

Cell phone calling me on the way home from work. He as attempted to leave me a voice mail. *shakes head* Controlling. Just another tool to try and illict his desired response out of me. Freak I am tired of that shit. Some days, girls are sooooo much easier.

My A list:

If anything every happened to Gary (God forbide it) who would I sleep with?

First off, I'd be a slut, cause no one would be able to replace him, and it would just be fun sweaty exercise for fill an unfillable void.

Wayne (a Dr. Doolittle/pygmalian kinda thing. I'd want to improve him and make him into a real person)
James (he is just so flirty, of course I would have to change jobs.)
Jetta ( I owe her the shot at a relationship should anything happen to Gary, she was my first girl.)
Bill Alen, (just one taste would prolly do it.)
Tackleberry/Carter (he's a slut too, and would just be filling an empty spot.)
Beth (I do care about her very deeply, but I think she would be alarmed at my lack of..er..morals.)
hum, prolly more as the opportunity would arise.

more later.

Musings

Just a note to myself.

I am at work so cant really expand on all I'd like to.

the A list

to do list

rantings and ravings

having someone read my mail... er okay.

Mental Health

Re-published for my own memory of the event:

I've been asked by a friend of mine to define the following roles and relationships: man, woman, husband, wife, mother and father. Takening into account that ideal tne reality differ and that my point of view is subjective; and therefore limited to my personal experience.

Man -- a physically adult male that has reached an emotional mature level capable of commitment, responsiblity, and accountablity above and beyond simple self gradification.

Woman -- same as above, only female.

Husband -- a man that has made (and re-makes daily) a committment to a life long partnership with a woman. Agreeing to fullfill certain roles within that ralationship. Traditionally the hunter/gatherer/provider of a family. Also traditionaly the leadership role within the family. (side note: all marriages SHOULD be established to provide for any offspring before any other role is made priority. Secondly, to provide a social and emotional support for both partners within a trusting relationship.)

Wife -- Woman in above descirbed partnership. Traditionally the caregiver of the family. The parnter that usually bears the offspring. The nurse, maid, super bieing the does it all and completes anything left undone by the man.

Mother -- If a man wears the pants in the family, a mother has picked them out. Either the mother of his children of the man's won mother. Mothers are the driving, thinking force, good or bad, behind all people. The hand the rocks the cradle rules the world. Never underestate the power of a supporting role.

Father -- the coach and encourager. He who strives for and expects success ( in whatever form) in all those around him. The leading role in this stage production of life. The one who bears the brunt of force in adversity, violence, in the face of war and glory in his own personal achievment. Above all he provides safety and security for his family.

Above all our children are the only real thing we leave behind when we pass. Our job is to teach then and train them. Help them to grow into happy and successful adults. (however you define success is what determines what/how you train your children.)

Dreams

Just woke up in the middle of the day, bad dream.

The dream is as follows:

gary and I were in a bank, for some reason we were standing in diffrent lines. Trey was with gary. As I was standing in line, I hear a door bell going off again and again. Some bank employee starts yelling at Trey. I am so embaraced. Then I get mad. Gary retrieves Trey, still standing in line. They do what they have to do and then join me in my line. We finally get done what every I have to do, I am soooo mad. so I take an Autism card up to the employee that yelled at Trey, he blows me off. So I find the bank manager, tell him about it and complain. I ask him to have mr hot shot yelling man to write a report on Autism if the bank wants to keep my business and the manager retreves the autism card from the trash walks Gary and I out of the bank. Gary has put Trey into the Red Escort. For some reason we still have that car, and somehow Gary and I get into another car. Gary is controlling the red car by remote control. I ask him why he didnt have one of us ride in the other car with trey. He didnt think about it. so like Gary. Anyway, as we drive, we are driving down here, in Texas that much I know. As we drive, because of stop lights and all, the red car gets ahead of us. I am very upset. Gary has to swerve around another car and run a red light to catch up to Trey in the Red car. I am scared that trey has crawled out of his seat and gotten into the drivers seat. We come up to an intersection and the red car is pulled over half up on the curb, Trey is out of the car. I think Trey is walking around the car but I can't see him. The people around the scene are asking where his parents are.

Then I wake up.

My mom is trying to guilt me about not spending enough time with the kids, about needing to do something about my living arrangement. She is not happy with how my life is going. OF course she asks me in the same breath what I would do without wayne. *shaking head* She just wants for me to have some screw up like the rest of her kids. Guess mine is loving too much. yeah somedays I could scream, but over all the needs of my kids are met, and the household runs. The kids are looked after and I dont have to put in 100% of the work, or even 95% of it. I would say it is more balanced than that.

She doesnt approve anyway. She doesnt want to see me divorced, she dont want to see wayne out of the picture, but she doesnt want me to continue on this way. What the hell does she want? that's what I cant figure out. Lord in heaven help me, I am toomuch of a people pleaser. my birth family is still screwing me up, will I forever be their symptom child?

Wasted days and Wasted Nights

Well, slept all day again.

Guess this working nights has me all turned around on my personal clock. So I am awake all night long and everyone else is sleeping.

I went into work tonight, it was Maggies last night on this shift. She moves to days from here on out. After 30 years of working nights, she is going to days so she can get her health in order and spend time with the grandkids. I'm going to miss her though. She's been a mentor to me, taught me a lot and encouraged me on those bad nights. I understand her reasons for moving to days. better hours, more of a social life, hell, more of a life. I'm still gonna miss her.

Due to the low patient census, I was sent home at eleven. The guys came by work tonight to see me. Both kids are spending the night with grannie, so they had some time for male bonding. I was kinda hoping to get to do some running around with them when I got home. BUT I don't think the bank account is up for much parting and Gary doesnt seem too keen on just running about town. Although I am dying to get out and sample some life. IT is soooo very rare that I get a kid free, work free night anymore. Damn. On my weekends off, Wayne has his kids here. I feel like a heel if Gary and I go out without him and leave him to babysit all the kids. LOL, so much for being grown up and able to do what I want to do. blah, There is always some little mouse nibbling at my time and energy.

Some days I am almost envious of those divorced couples, they have everyother weekend without kids and get to have a grown up life. ME, I have my hubby and kids all the time, and Wayne all the time, and his kids part time. When do I get a break?

I also think that my hormones are going insane. I been horny as a cat in heat all day today too. it has GOT to be cycle related and that peak thing. Dr Pomonis came by the unit this evening, and I about drooled on him. James even commented on how badly I was sucking up. OF course no sooner had I said something about "it's a good thing I'm married." than the two guys walked up behind me to visit. LOL. And then I had to tell on myself. :) It's just no fun flirting when you know no one cares if you do it. No reaction.

Wayne has been sulking around the last week or so. I think he's getting pissy and clingy agian because he is not getting any affection. Sorry, not something I can do any damned thing about. He makes a point of not so subletly letting me know that he knows when Gary and I have sex, and he is upset that he is not getting any. Leaves notes that he went walking. He only goes walking those nights my husband and I choose to be intamate. like he is trying to make me feel guilty about being with my own husband. Drives me crazy. I think he spies on my too. I am almost peranoid about it at this point. Wanting to put curtains up about my bed, and tin foil the windows, sound proof my room. Uck. I so value my privacy, and it's like I dont have any freaking privacy as long as anyone else in the freaking house.

Why do they think their needs are more important that mine? When I do not react to them the way the want me to, they get all pissy, and huffy. Like I am not playing the game. But it still tears me up. I WANT to make everyone happy, but I know that is physically impossible. I cant even make myself happy most of the time. HELL maybe I just need to up my antidepressent. LOL I need more happy pills that will solve everything.

Oh well, on to try and find a way to salvage this evening. MAybe get some fun and excitement out of the kid free night yet.

What dreams may come

I;m having weird dreams as of late. Theres a great deal of sexual content to them too. Maybe it's just a hormonial thing, like going into heat or something. Of course at 31, it could also be that peak thing that we all hear so much about. I dunno. anyway. I slept all day, that was kinda weird, didnt wake up until the kids were home from school and yelling at me. Slept right through both alarms going off. not sure if it was the bug I am fighting, depression, or just a messed up shiftworker sleep schedule.

Anyway, I didnt get acomplished half of what I wanted to do today. Guess that leaves that much more for next week.

Some days I just feel so held back. Too many responsiblities, not enough fun in my life. I've been batteling the clutter in my home as of late, and I think the clutter is winning. LOL

sleepless nights and wasted days... gee the story of my life. oh well, I have to work all weekend, so guess this will be all I write about for now.

Sick Days

It's one of those sick days. I cant get into the doctor until tomorrow and I am misrable.

You'd think at 31 I'd be over wanting my mom to come pamper me while I'm not feeling well. Heck if I'd have been feeling better I would have called her over. Anyway, I slept most of the day and only got a few of the errends done that I had planned for today. Did after school homework with the kids and started christmas wish lists with them. KC had to sulk this afternoon because I wouldnt let her wear her school uniform pants for play clothes. In my defense, she did get bright red paint on the last pair of school pants I let her play in, now they have to be replaced.

Ah kids. aint they great. Trey seems to be having a good day today. He and I worked on his spelling words with minimal fussing. Just think how tired you are, much less say it out loud, and they have a million things that only mom can handle. So much for them being self sefficent.

The cat too is trying to kill me, he tripped me on the way back to the keyboard.

Gary is attending a memeoral service at school this afternoon for the local police officer that died in a copter crash. The whole class is attending. It's odd how one cop dying just kinda makes you hurt for your own husband. I know he puts himself at risk everyday, but damn it, that's a bloody hell of a reminder that he could just not come home one day. That's got to be my worst fear.

Despite everything his family thinks of me, or my family thinks of him. He's a great dad, a good husband and wonderful partner. He is my other half, my team mate in this game of life. We have eachothers backs. I could survive without him, but it would be just for the kids sake, I'd be lost emotionally. He really is the love of my life.

There have been times when I knew he was at risk, in the Navy, and in corrections, when the thought alone of losing my made me cry.

How many academy's have we been through together? I've lost count. Damn it, we been through the poorer part....when do we get to the richer part? :P